i need to move on, please help..sob

[BrokenFemale77]

Hi all. I need help moving on. God knows i am trying, but the pain still suffice everytime i wake up in the morning, before i sleep at nite and during the course of the day. Friends around have been giving me alot of support.

I broke up with my ex boyfriend 3 months ago. Reason he gave was because he found a job in another state. He had to leave because he didnt wanna kept me waiting. Also he cited the fact that we have been arguing a bit and it's taken the toll on our relationship, which i agree. He was adamant in us still being friends, saying he would still want to meet up for coffee with me whenever he comes back. After a month of keeping a distance, i finally contacted him again. Things went on well after that, and i had hopes that we might be able to work on things, maybe just need some time away.

I was going through some profiles in myspace one day, out of boredom. Imagine my shock and disbelief when i saw wedding photos of my ex, in one of his fren's profile. He got married a month after we broke up. All these while, we were still talking to each other, he never once mentioned it to me.

The hurt i was feeling was so immense, that i couldnt make myself call him as the tears were choking me. I only had the strength to text him. What hurt me more was, he denied it, until i told him i am looking at the photos at that very moment. He just apologised and said THINGS HAPPENED ONLY AFTER WE BROKE UP, wanted us to move on first before explaining things to me (and how is that possible?). Said that he's trying to better his life and that his wife know about his past and accepted him the way he is.

How could he do that to me. All i ever did wrong was loving him too much. It pisses me off to no end, when he still has the cheek to tell me that he is serious about being friends. He was cheating and lying to me all this while and i didnt know a clue. I hate his guts coz it's non existant. He should have been honest about it and not lie to me.

I am so broken. It's been 3 weeks now since the 'discovery' and 3 months after we broke up but the hurt doesnt seem to have lessen.

How can i stop this pain...? Is it best to cut him out completely *we are still contacting as we have some loans to clear together* or ask him for an explanation?

[Michael6084]

first off, are you going into places or doing things that are NOT depressing and somewhat uplifiting, like going out with friends or going a night out with your girls or something? do you go to a gym and workout regularly?

you have to do something that makes you feel better about yourself and be around other people or something, you know?

AND you should cut contact from him. why would you want to talk to a guy who was obviously cheating on you, and lied while you knew all along? and loans...take him to court. if he's slippery as you saw already and he owes you money, he'll try to never pay back if he can.

[Gigabitch]

Oh, my God. You're not just trying to get over a boyfriend, you've been horribly betrayed and lied to, and I'm sure that's shaken your belief in the goodness of every person you meet.

It's really scary to be treated so badly. Humans are such social creatures, and we depend on one another's character so much, don't we? You trust that the guy behind you in line at the supermarket isn't going to stab you and that everyone in traffic will keep going the right way on the road.

You got dumped, hard. I don't believe for a minute that everything happened after he broke up with you. Of course you're all messed up, you'd be crazy not to be.

Keep reminding yourself that your reaction to this is completely appropriate and that it's a process you have to go through. Imagine that you've sustained physical wounds corresponding with your emotional ones. You'd be in the ICU, right? Well, treat yourself like an ICU patient of the heart.

And get mad. Really mad. The fact that he still has the nerve to say he wants to be friends is insulting. Disgusting. Infuriating. Tell him to blow it out his weasel ass.

[squirrley]

damnit I hate wireless. Im so sorry youre going through this stuff. Ive been there 100%. I was with someone for 10 yrs. He was in the last part of medical school and doing rotations throughout our state. The day BEFORE we were suppose to leave to check out the state where we were going to leave he calls me, its over. OMFG say what? I went nuts went off the deep end to say the least. I called within the week and here he was with someone else. And within the month he was engaged to her. Thats a blow too. 3 weeks of pure hell 10 yr relationship down the tubes. I moved out of the state. It took me about a yr to get over it. I didnt date for the following 5 yrs. Although I went out with friends, I was a man hater and became so independant. It was truly the most important part of my life. I found myself. Within the first yr I called him, BIG MISTAKE. I have no idea why, felt compelled because we never saw one another when he ended it, felt like I needed ****ing closure. Yes he lied to me too. But the convo was great but the pain was greater. It only rehashed.

I met somoene who actually thought blast from the real long past could work, nope. But then met Ironliftr through here and THAT relationship really opened my eyes to what relationships are really about, that didnt pan out but thats ok, he opened my heart to love again. And Im married now.

I can tell sweetie, as great as the pain is now, you do get over it. And you become a much stronger individual. I found I didnt NEED a man. I was too dependant on one person. Not so today, my view is wanting to be with someone. You will get through this believe it or not. But I strongly encourage you to avoid any contact with him. Talking to him only gives him power knowing you still care about him and are sitting there. Its nuts but true, an ego thing. ****ers.

I dont care how much I get ragged on this saying but things do happen for a reason, and you may not see it now, but this relationship ending just opens so many more doors youre just going to flip. You will get there!!! I promise. If I ever saw my x in my lifetime, I would Thank him for ending that relationship because Im with the person I belong with, and it will happen for you!!

[BrokenFemale77]

Hey,

Thanks for all the kind words.

I started going to the gym, 2 weeks after i broke up with him. I went out with my friends all the time. They made me feel better. I didnt want my life to disintegrate because of him. Also, i finally decide to study again and term will start next year March.

I honestly thought i was doing great, until i found out about the marriage bit. That broke me. My best friend came down to my place the moment she heard about it and actually called him up, to give him a piece of her mind. He's a B**ta*d. She said, there wasn't any remorse in his voice, insisted everything happened after we broke up. Excuse me, who plans and get married within a month!

It could be because, he's my first boyfriend and my first for everything. Now he's the first person that i have ever hated this much. I can't stop the self blame as well. Maybe it's because i'm too fat, not pretty enough and most importantly, not rich enough. I know this is bad, but i cant help it.

Alot said, i'm taking it so well. They dont know it's just a front, that i do cry in front of my office computer. And i get so paranoid about bumping into him, everywhere i go. I cant imagine how i am suppose to react seeing him with his wife, when 3 months ago, i was the one he brought to everywhere.

I'm in terrible pain and i wonder how the pain can disappear...

[blue_butterfly]

I'm going through something quite similar these days. I didn't ask for an explanation, but I did receive one from a friend who was closer to the events. Believe me, an explanation won't make you feel less hurt, on the contrary. There might not even be an explanations for his messed up behavior.

Tell yourself you need to move on, do everything you can to keep yourself busy with things you enjoy. If he comes back to your memory, chase him away. See if you can ask somebody else to do the "contact" part regarding that loan.

The thing that helps me the most is to constantly remind myself that I didn't do anything wrong. I believe that everything you do in this life, good or bad, is returned to you one way or the other. Think it like this if you like, you don't have the burden of having done the bad part in this, so there's nothing to hold you back from moving on.

[Mish]

Hey,
They dont know it's just a front, that i do cry in front of my office computer. And i get so paranoid about bumping into him, everywhere i go. I cant imagine how i am suppose to react seeing him with his wife, when 3 months ago, i was the one he brought to everywhere.

I'm in terrible pain and i wonder how the pain can disappear...

How horrible. How mortifying that this had to happen to you. Unfortunate truth is that the pain will last for awhile. It will linger and deal you blows quite regularly. The damage he has done is not only in a way of lying and cheating on you, but also in a way of damage to your self esteem, it is tremendous. Exactly how are you suppose to trust another potential partner after what you have bee through? Or trust yourself to sustain another successful relationship? All of these questions will be there tormenting you.

But the good news is, given enough time the memory of this painful event will slowly subside and disappear. Day after day you will slowly come to realize that this tragic event was a good turning point for you and a chance for a new beginning, a chance to be with someone truly worthy of your company and affection. You will slowly come to realize the insignificance of this person as a partner and as a human being and you will feel pity for him and the amount of guilt that he may not show, but none the less will have to learn to live with.

For now, you will have to find ways to keep your mind off this tragedy. Going yo gym and exercising is a good start. You may want to keep your mind of any potential relationships at this stage and work on building back up your self esteem and independance damaged by these events. Don't hesitate to treat yourself to something nice. Treat yourself as you would a friend who lost a relative. Handle yourself with care.

[Tedel]

Actually, I have seen a similar case before. A friend and his girlfriend broke up after seven years of relationship and she got married within a month to someone else she met while they were out on vacations.

Although I understand you feel very sad, I think you must also admit there is a big share of jealousy in your feelings. When people get mad, it is usually because we find the others are not doing what we would have done on their shoes.

Take a deep breath, and may you get out of your sadness very soon.

[misombra]

did the two of you ever talk about getting married?

anyway he sounds like a jerk. i'm sure you'll find eventually that him leaving and going with someone else was the best thing that could've happened to you.

how old are you two?

[BrokenFemale77]

We talked alot about marriage. We were even making plans, for me to move there (the state where his new job is at) with him, when he's stable enough.

But he did talked about how he wanted his future wife to earn good bucks, so as to sustain him (in the event that something happen to him) and his family. I am for one, just started working 3 years ago. My income is pretty stable, but i can't splurge as and when i want to. He used to joke around, saying that i am poor and that he should find a rich woman. I think he might already have then.

I cant help it, that i am not rich. I cant help it that i cant afford to get certain things for him (this is how he is). I thought the love that i have been giving all this while should suffice? I guess i was wrong. I am so wrong that he cheated and lied.

I'm not THAT upset that we broke up. I'm more hurt to find out that, he cheated and lied to me. Married someone else 1 month after we broke up. Don't i mean anything to him at all?

They say, time heals everything, but i'm still waiting....

BTW, i'm 24 and he's 31.

[tony1983]

im almost in the same conditon but not wedding stuff

[Gigabitch]

Time does heal everything, pretty much. I'm sure you feel torn apart, but I assure you that your natural state is to be whole and happy, so you just have to allow that to happen. Healing takes a long time, but you'll get there.

[BrokenFemale77]

This is by far the toughest period for me.

Crying does make you feel better, but gives you a stinging headache afterwards.

I hope to be able to move on quick. I cant keep feeling this way, while he's out there with his wife enjoying his honeymoon period.

I do hate him for what he's done to me. He put my heart through the blender. What goes around comes around and i have heard news that he's been disqualified from driving

More retributions to come? I dont know.

All i do know is, i'm working hard to move out of this horrid episode. It has taught me valuable lessons.

Thanks again.

[sine24]

wait a minute..he married someone after being with them for a month only??? or was he with her during the course of your relationship??

[BrokenFemale77]

Am not too sure about whether he have been with her while he was with me or after we broke up. There was no tell-tale sign at all that he was cheating, but then again, he must be a super cheater.

According to him, this woman is someone from his past. The feelings rekindled after we broke up. Everything happened after we broke up he said.

He's not the kind of person to marry in a rush (told me he had to save a certain amount before WE could get married), so i figured, he was planning to marry her instead, or he had to marry her for some reason.

I dont know, either way, he's hurt me....