Journey 1 (Girl A) or Journey 2 (Girl B)

[Journey]

There is also a girl who I met along time ago who I felt a strong connection to, who lives in Europe (Girl A). We never broke up - she just had to return home. After she returned home, we stayed in contact with the occasional e-mail and birthday / Christmas card.

I met a girl here at home (Girl B) and we have been together for about a year and a half. Early on I told Girl B about Girl A, and she wanted me to sever all ties with Girl A. I agreed and I told Girl A that it was best not to communicate anymore (tough).

Nevertheless, Girl A has still kept in contact with my mother - by sending her an occasional e-mail and a card at Christmas (I introduced them at the time we were together and they got along really well).

Girl B says it would be over if I went to go visit Girl A in Europe. I would like to visit Girl A even if there is a chance that Girl A is not my cup of tea anymore.

About Girl B: She does'nt expect me to make a committment any time soon, but if I don't propose she will bring the issue up again in the next year or so (for the record I'm 32 and she is 30). There are a few reasons why it is hard for me to committ to her:

1. Sometimes I like my space and I have felt choked with her around all the time. We tried living together for a while and I did feel a bit relieved when it was over. Its not her fault though - I have kind of felt like this with everyone I have ever been with.

2. I'm still not sure if Girl B is the one. Having the freedom to go wherever I want, when I want, is quite a powerful feeling within me, which I think would be quite restricted based on my experience with Girl B. I feel like I was more free during the initial stages of my relationship with Girl B, but over time I have sunken deeper into the relationship, and I feel like I need to run everything by her first (ie. report back).

Im pretty sure if I tell her I want to visit Girl A, she would lose it (temper). She would then break down.

I wonder if I was with Girl A for a long period of time however, whether these same committment woes would eventually take over me.

I'm unsure if I should stick with Girl B, or end it with her to see Girl A.

[IndiReloaded]

If you are currently in an exclusive relationship w/Girl B, she has every reason to get upset if you want to visit another girl that you have unresolved romantic feelings about.

Why not be upfront w/Girl B & just say you are having issues w/your relationship? Propose a break period. Make sure its explicit that SHE is also free to see other guys (sauce for the goose...). Go visit this gal in Urp & see what's there.

If Girl B still wants you back after this, I'd suggest you know your mind & be ready to make a commitment. If not, let her go & find someone else.

[Journey]

Thanks for your reply Indi. I think thats fair - that if I went to see Girl A, that she is free to see other guys too. I just think however, that she would want to end it right there. She's definately not down with me seeing Girl A. I wish it could be that easy and it makes sense to me what you are saying. I'm a bit more open-minded when it comes to these things, but she is just fiercely loyal/committed and strong-minded..

[IndiReloaded]

Hmm, finding someone who is loyal & committed isn't something to throw away. However, ultimately you have to do what is best for you. If you have doubts about this girl being right for you then you need to be honest about that. Loyal & committed does not a relationship make; other things have to fit also. Does she satisfy your 'excellent partner' criteria otherwise, or are there gaps?

I would be a bit concerned about her willingness to 'end it there' as a sign of a control problem. You aren't married are you?

If I were her, I would simply negotiate a timeframe for you to both figure out what you want. Take the mutual break I mentioned. But honestly, its sounding to me like who you really want it Girl A, but you're not sure she's available/interested. That's a bit shitty on your part, if so. Are you being honest w/yourself, fella?

[Journey]

Hey Indi,
I'm impressed how you are able to discern that she has a control issue - I have often felt that way and I could go on to describe specific incidents..but I'll hold off. No, I'm not married and have never been married. Anyways thats what I need to do - is to be honest with myself.
FYI, I've bought at least a couple weeks break period for now. I must say it already feels good to be free for a while. I think I'm a commitmentphobe.
Thanks Indie,
Journ

[Junket]

I hate the whole "girl A" "girlB" stuff.

You're on the internet, it's completely anonymous, there's no way in hell anybody knowing anything about you or situation are ever gonna stumble upon this website, and then this thread and figure out who you are.

NEVER.

[Gigabitch]

Journ, I strongly believe that for the right girl, you wouldn't be a commitmentphobe. Nothing you have ever posted about her gives me any confidence that she's the right girl. In my opinion, your relationship is held together by her stubbornness alone.

Do not spend your life with this woman. Let her go so she can find someone else.

[misombra]

hey journ!

it's pretty unrealistic to think that you're not going to have feelings for somebody else in the course of your relationship. this girl kinda lingers around and your mind probably wonders and fantasizes about how great life would be with her.

but the grass is always greener on the other side...

everybody has their issue. if it wasn't this controlling/jealousy thing, then it would be something else. you probably haven't seen that side of the other girl. if you did, you'd probably have the same doubts, because you're a commitmentphobe.

anyway, those are just ways of looking at it. i don't know what you should do.

what are you going to do journ?

[IndiReloaded]

In my opinion, your relationship is held together by her stubbornness alone.

Hmm. That doesn't sound fair to either one of them, does it?

One thing about getting older was realizing that sometimes its a kindness to break things off w/someone. Short vs longterm good type thing.

[Journey]

I hate the whole "girl A" "girlB" stuff.

You're on the internet, it's completely anonymous, there's no way in hell anybody knowing anything about you or situation are ever gonna stumble upon this website, and then this thread and figure out who you are.

NEVER.

Not once while writing this post did the "anonymity" idea cross my mind. I just thought it would help to clarify. If you have any feedback regarding my situation, it would be appreciated. Thanks.

[Journey]

Hmm. That doesn't sound fair to either one of them, does it?

One thing about getting older was realizing that sometimes its a kindness to break things off w/someone. Short vs longterm good type thing.

I can see your point Indi. Distinguishing in my mind what the short and long-term emotions, impacts, and repercussions are is a worthwhile excercise. Thanks.

[Journey]

hey journ!

it's pretty unrealistic to think that you're not going to have feelings for somebody else in the course of your relationship. this girl kinda lingers around and your mind probably wonders and fantasizes about how great life would be with her.

but the grass is always greener on the other side...

everybody has their issue. if it wasn't this controlling/jealousy thing, then it would be something else. you probably haven't seen that side of the other girl. if you did, you'd probably have the same doubts, because you're a commitmentphobe.

anyway, those are just ways of looking at it. i don't know what you should do.

what are you going to do journ?

Misombra,
I will quote another great fellow artist...
"All I've got is a photograph"... Def Leppard.
This captures precisely what you meant when you said that she lingers around in my mind. Mis, I kneel in the wake of your existence.

I understand also that you are suggesting to explore within myself the boundaries that may be holding me back from jumping the fence to see how green the grass actually is on the other side. In addition to exploring what boundaries I have built-up with respect to compromise, tolerance, and understanding. Thanks.

.

[IndiReloaded]

You sound stuck on Girl A. If I were your SO, I wouldn't want this hanging over my relationship.

Get some closure w/Girl A before committing to your Plan B girl... oops, did I say that? I meant *Girl B*.

[misombra]

i was just thinking this morning about her sending cards to your mom. how many other guys mom does she send cards too?

this makes me suspicious because this is something my dad's girlfriends used to do.

my dad has always been a player, though now he's starting to settle down.

but my dad would break up with women and they would go to my grandmothers house (while she was alive of course) and take her cookies and send her cards.

my sister is older than me and a little closer to their age, so they would call her and try to get her to go out with them or something.

it was so phoney. i called it "making your existence known."

i found it to be pathetic and it never worked.

[IndiReloaded]

but my dad would break up with women and they would go to my grandmothers house (while she was alive of course) and take her cookies and send her cards.

my sister is older than me and a little closer to their age, so they would call her and try to get her to go out with them or something.

it was so phoney. i called it "making your existence known."

i found it to be pathetic and it never worked.

LOL.

So, how about when the mom of your single male friend sends an xmas gift for your son? What does THAT mean, lol?

I had my son write the thank you xmas card this year to send back.

(see how messy these things can get Journ?)
Make your choice, man, and know your mind when you do.