Too many chances

[spartacus]

Hi,

Ive read through a lot of the posts on here looking for something similar, but my situation is so confusing Im at a loss for what to do.

Ive been in love several times, and each time the relationship ends I react in the same way. About 5 years ago a relationship ended and this time I was determined to beat my default reaction. I tried so hard, and learnt about the different feelings people go through during a breakup, but still on occasion I reacted the same way and it basically drove her further away from me and I lost her. what I actually needed to do was let her go, be cool, and give her space have some time apart, and maybe just maybe she might come back. but I didnt do that. Despite trying hard to control my feelings I rang her and badgered her, and because her parents lived close to me I involved them and really got out of hand. I was not coping with rejection every time a relationship ended and was desperate for attention to try to resolve it.

Eventually I got over it, and moved back to my home town, and a few months later got in touch with a girl Id been friends with for some 6 years or more. We became close and although I was trying to keep a distance at first eventually we started a relationship. I really wanted this to work this time, and figured that maybe because all my other relationships hadnt worked out, that it might have been something I was doing so I looked back through my previous relationships and discovered that it was mainly jealousy and trust were my two biggest issues and each time a relationship ended it was because of me not trustin the other person. Each break-up then added to a guard that was being built around me which I carried to the next relationship.

anyway, because I wanted this relationship to work I changed tactics. I trusted, and I found I really could trust her. I ignored jealousy and it worked , the relationship was working out ok. Except for one thing. Because I was still unsure and a little bit cautious, I was unconsiously keeping her at arms length. When we were together we were fantastic. We enjoyed each others company, and always got on. We had very similar interests etc. however what I didnt do is take her to meet my family. I was keeping her out. Because she was an insecure person herself in other ways, she felt that I didnt love her enough, and that maybe I was keeping her away for other reasons such as she wasnt good enough etc.

this wasnt the case at all. I really loved her, but for 4.5 years it stayed the same. We broke up three times during the 4.5 years and each time Id win her back and say I would take her to meet my parents and that we could work it out.

About 7 weeks ago my grandfather was admited to hospital with bladder cancer and renal failure. I stayed at the hospital with him and my family for about 5 days while he passed away. When I came out of the hospital I saw her about two days later and she broke up with me, saying she had had enough and it wasnt working out. she had basically given me too many chances and Id still done nothing. It wasnt that I didnt want to you understand. I just didnt do it.

So the relationship had ended and she said she need time alone. Rather than be cool about it, I had to cope with the grief from losing my grandfather and it was all too much for me. I reverted to my old self and rather than give her space like she asked for, I harrased her every couple of days. Then Id calm down again and leave her alone. then Id email her, or send her flowers. I was desperate not to loose her.

Last week I gained an opportunity to go out for a drink with her. I should have played it cool. showed her that I wanted her back. What happened? We argued. Id blown it. I tried calling, and she listened to me cry and still said it was over. I flipped and went to her house and her friend sent me away saying Id upset her enough.

Yesterday I saw her father who said he would speak to her but give her some space. and what did I do? I rang her, and emailed her. and yesterday I received an email from her telling me straight that she had listened to me, and it changed nothing. she didnt love me anymore, and had told me to stop calling her, emailing her etc.

Im such an idiot. I so dont want to harrass her. i so dont want her to hate me. And I most certainly wouldnt harm her. I even want to give her space so that maybe she'll come back.

I love her terribly and always have, and i know the right thing to do is let her go, but we really do get on, and we really are very compatible. it was just the parent thing that let me down.

Of course now i want things to change, and Ive run out of time, and all Ive done is pushed her away further. Two weeks ago I firmly believed that I would have had another chance if Id just left her alone. but with all the other grief and the thought of losing someone I really didnt want to lose I jsut lost it and all Ive done is pushed her away further to point where I probably dont have another chance. One thing I will emphasise though is that not at any oint would she be in danger from me. Im not suggesting i loose it in a violent or potentially violent way, its more a case of loosing it in an emotional sense. suddenly I flip and i go from being really cool and nice and charming, to a blubbering wreck trying to gain the sympathy vote.

My question is obvious.....

Can anyone, anyone at all, offer me some advice as to how to try to win her back.

Will she come back?

If I left her alone, how do you go about showing someone that you've changed and are now a better person ready to take on the relationship full on if you never see them again?.

I know its been said before that there are plenty more fish in the sea, and that given time I wouldnt feel the same way, but I've had plenty of fish, and this one was by the most compatible Ive met and it would be criminal to not give the relationship a proper go.

Im desperate not to loose her for good and would appreciate any advice.

[buzz bee]

Hi, im going thru the exact same thing at the moment, i too was told by my partner to give him time to think about everything that had happened and what did i do? emailed, called, messaged and went around there crying my eyes out so often that he eventually went from loving me but needing time and space to being angry at me and telling me it was over - space is the one thing we need to give thoes we love, and its also the hardest thing for us to do when we think we are losing them.

i cant take my own advice but here goes, basically you need to give her time and space - i know that a couple of weeks apart seems like a lifetime for the person being left, but for your gf (and my bf) its not nearly time enough to sort thru their own issues - they need time to sort thru the pain and then to see if anything has survived in their heart..... i know its hard, im dealing with it at the moment too, and i think i may of lost my guy thru badgering.... its the old if you love something set it free clique - we all know its true but its hard to actually follow thru...

good luck

[spartacus]

you're right. I knew thats what people would say if I asked. I find it difficult to cope with knowing that shes out making friends and that I might lose her if I dont keep myelf in the picture. so i try to remain in contact somehow which makes it worse.

[buzz bee]

yup thats pretty much my story too - cant live with them and you cant live without them - im sure both your gf and my bf feel pretty much the same - the fact that both are still talking and meeting us to me is a positive point - but your talking to someone who wants to see positive things

[spartacus]

Something else I realise is that my gf is really upset too. Ive hurt her, and she feels she has seen a side to me that she doesnt like. the thing is its because of the situation that Im like this and if she were to give me another chance Id revert back to being sane!

Because I know she's hurt I know shes not going to jump straight into another relationship so perhaps I do have time. what I worry about is whether time will make the heart forget. Even though she may not meet someone, will she learn to not want me also?

[ghenzmitz]

same situation happened to me actually...but ya have to forget her.....avoid contact with her.....it will make things worse.....you'll forget her.....

[buzz bee]

yeh at least you have that to comfort you, my bf's MO is to be in a new relationship in about 2 more months...... i cant stop thinking hes going to revert back to how he was....

if your gf is not the kind to jump into another relationship then give it time, it may heal the pain

[Only-virgins]

I wish I was patient enough to read all that...oh well...

[spartacus]

I'm sitting here right now, and i have work to do. I'm self-employed so not really under any pressure and nobody is here to monitor me so Im not really going to get into trouble for not doing anything.

But I cant work. I've tried this morning I really have. But all my mind keeps wondering and I've just spent the last 30 minutes going through the varying thoughts of why? how could she? what do I do? how can I get her back? will she come back?

Its really frustating. she left me because I didnt do what she asked me to, and yet I really want to. Even before the break-up I wanted to. And now shes told me in no uncertain terms that its over, and because Ive hassled her Ive turned her against me, and all I want to do is talk to her. But as she pointed out I say the same things over and over again, and I dont get anywhere so then I get frustrated and I lose it again.

If I wasnt sitting here posting this right now, Id probably email her at work. I dont know what Id put but I can gaurantee the paragaphs would change showing tones of anger, frustration, begging for forgiveness, persuasion, etc.

People would say, "Get over her, and fill your time with things" but thats too hard because I dont want to go anywhere in case she calls. Somone suggested I go on holiday, but I dont want to plan that in case she comes back in the future. Then I think, maybe shes planning a holiday, so that leads me to think "ok I have to do something now, to try and stop her" so i contact her again, trying to persuade her to come back and give me another chance.

I know other people go through this. I have myself, and I know full well that it turns out ok whatever the outcome. I just dont want to lose this one, because all along its felt so right. I was just my reluctance to do anything that caused her to leave.

Im feeling pretty frustrated right now.

[ghenzmitz]

Nah, You're Frustrated....but Just Wait...time Will Help You Heal The Pain Inside Your Heart.....it's Been A Month And A Half Since My Ex Broke Up With Me...and Now, I'm Feeling Better...just Get Yourself Busy...and Accept That You're Not Really Meant For Each Other...

[spartacus]

Accept That You're Not Really Meant For Each Other...

Buts that the point. We both know that we were great together. In every respect but one.

Ive had an awful lot to deal with over the last few months, not just with her but also with the death of my grandfather and the act im self-employed and havent been working much either hasnt helped. None of this helped the situation at all, but shes using that as a reason to end our relationship which, although Im biased perhaps, doesnt make any sense at all.

[spartacus]

ok. Listen.

Im sure everyone would agree, including myself, that the best thing to do is sta well clear of her. This will give her space, and me time to get over it.

So lets say 3 maybe 4 weeks time, would it be my wise to contact her again? maybe send her a letter telling her what Ive been doing, maybe send a photo of us together saying something like "I was sorting out some things, and I came across this photo which made me think of how we used to be" thats sort of thing?

Would that be wise?

What I dont want to do is completely let her go. We were best friends for longer than we were lovers. 8 years in fact. I dont want to lose that, so at which point do I contact her again and try and rekindle even a friendship. OR... if i dont contact her how can I encourage her to make contact with me if i dont ever see her again?

[ghenzmitz]

the point there is...loosing the best friend relationship thing....but.....hmmm...stay calm for a while...stay no contact with her....and she will start missing you soon...don't text her, nor email or send photos.......ok? she'll miss you....

[buzz bee]

my guy and i are still maintaining contact - i dont know if its a good thing since it hurts me everytime i see him, but we still prolly see each other 2 times a week... i know that im doing it cos i want him to see the person i am and fall in love with me again and im sure he is doing it because he wants the ebst of both worlds - to keep the friendship, and the nice parts of me, and not deal with the bad parts..... do you think you could last not talking or seeing her for 4-5 weeks? i know i couldnt....

[spartacus]

Its been 5 weeks now for me. although the most Ive managed is 1 week without contact and I did that twice. I contacted her near the weekends because I thought she might be going out and meeting someone else. so I panic and call her and suggest meeting her for a drink or something and she tells me shes busy so then I get worse thinking of ways to stop her going etc, and then she gets mad.

In the email she sent me the other day she was really serious about not seeing me anymore and told me to get on with my life, but Im thinking she is perhaps hurt and angry with me for reacting the way I did over the last 5 weeks.

Im hoping in a couple of weeks time she may have calmed down and might want to resume some contact, but Im not sure Im can last that long without seeing her.

Im trying to keep busy but its really hard and it worries me that if i cant contact her anymore (she mentioned changing her numbers) how am I suppose to show her ive changed and we could actually make a go of it?