recently divorced ex messing with my head

[dr244]

I am 22, and the girl I dated throughout my teenage years has recently been divorced after having a child within the past year. We have remained in contact since we split when I was 18, as friends. We talk through online messaging and text messages mostly and occasional phone calls since we are now 2.5 hours apart after I left out hometown, but have seen each other and hung out occasionally when I'm in town, although not in the past year.

Well she has been talking to me more and more lately, and there's no use in lying, but I've always had some feelings for her, but maybe it's from the nostalgia of talking to her and remeber youth... I don't know. Anyways, she's been talking to me a lot and although we haven't seen each other physically. The past two nights especially she has been very emotional after having some drinks and fully admitted having feelings for me that she "likes" me and tried to get me to admit feelings for her, but I avoided that question since there's been distance between us. Anyways, I told her basically that she's probably just drunk and looking for a rebound, and she said she already had a rebound and that she has tried to ignore her feelings for me and can't, that the reason she tried to stay in contact with me while she was married all this time was from old feelings she tried to surpress. Well I made her cry with how I handled the situation because Im currently seeing someone, although we arent dating or anything, and its just an all around awkward situation. Well today she seems to be very distant and doesnt try hard to hld conversations with me. I've talked a bit and tried to smooth everything over and everything seems happy on her end, but it's like she suddenly doesnt have the attachment and interest in me she did lately. I dont know if shes trying to play games, or if she was overreacting to some drunk nostalgic emotions, or whatever is going on.

All I really understand is that for some reason I'm attached and have feeligns for this girl, and even though I'm seeing someone else and I'm normally fine with girls and detached, for some reason this ex gf is on my mind constantly lately. I think I want her and the obvious logical problems with potentially being with her (divorce, child, distance, etc), none of that bothers me if I can get some demonstration of honest intentions or feelings or something... I don't know really. I just want to understand what she's trying to do with me.

WHat should I do?

I will be going back to out hometown this weekend for other business, but since she has literally begged me to come visit (until toda...), I was thinking maybe I could see if we shared feeligns in person since we haven't seen each other in so long. Does this visit sound like a good idea? Honestly, it would probably end up in us drinking and having sex which could be awkward.

Should I completely ignore her and see if she takes the initiative to contact me again? Or maybe even just ignore her completely and move on with my life?

I don't know how to handle this. I have never had these emotional, attachment, and jealousy problems over any other girls but her. We are just talking and somehow it's ****ing wiht my brain so bad, and I can't think about anything else. I spend time with the girl I'm seeing, and somehow my ex is still on my mind. I don't understand and need help

I'm sorry of this is hard to read and doesn't make much sense. I've had way more than a few beers, heh...

[MerryH]

I was thinking maybe I could see if we shared feeligns in person since we haven't seen each other in so long. Does this visit sound like a good idea?

Sure, why not? If you think you might want to get back together with her, just have a casual visit and see what happens. Don't get drunk and have sex with her right away, though. That would just cloud your judgment and you'd probably fall right back into a relationship with her, whether you mean to or not.

[dr244]

Sure, why not? If you think you might want to get back together with her, just have a casual visit and see what happens. Don't get drunk and have sex with her right away, though. That would just cloud your judgment and you'd probably fall right back into a relationship with her, whether you mean to or not.

I can go in with full intent for that not to happen, but I know very well what will happen when we get together. I'm just confused if she's actually wanting some kind of romantic involvement with me or what? Right now she doesnt seem to talk to me, so should I let her be and see what happens, and if she tries to get close with me again then I can ask to see if she wants to spend time together? Or should I just take the initiative and ask now?

... and why do I even care? I have ignored my feelings for her for so long, and have not had these feelings with other girls. For instance she's online right now, but we haven't talked since earlier in the day. I've tried ignoring it and just doing my own thing but I keep jumping around in emotions from apathy to jealousy to whatever... I don't know. I am a volatile mix of emotions that I'm not used to feeling anymore. I'm normally a very cold person, never getting too emotionally involved with anyhting or anyone. I don't know how to handle this sort of illogical stress.

[MerryH]

I can go in with full intent for that not to happen, but I know very well what will happen when we get together.

Oh, come on. Control yourself.

She's probably not talking to you right now because you basically rejected her and maybe she's embarrassed, maybe she doesn't want to bother you, maybe, maybe. maybe. I don't know. I sure wouldn't be that excited to talk to a guy who didn't reciprocate after I admitted my feelings. Why don't you just be honest with her and tell her you're a little unsure of your feelings right now but that you hope you can visit her when you're in town?

[dr244]

That does sound like a good option, but really I don't want to bug her because yesterday seemed like it was a chore to have some of communication going on. She was recently divorced and I'm sure she's still having emotional problems over it, and until now I've been trying to keep our conversations friendly and fun until she got too heavy on me the other night. There's bound to be drama everywhere in her life right now, and I'm not wanting to get into a talk about our feelings for each other yet.

Also, it's stupid, but she posted a late-night Facebook status that simply says "I'm confused", and by this point she knows that ignoring me has been bugging me, and for some reason I assume it has something to do with me.

I'm sober now, and really thinking it would be best to ignore her and move on, unless she takes some sort of initiative to get back in touch with me. I really do have a busy, happy life without her and don't need this stress, and who knows what sort of complications being involved with someone with a child and this much emotional turmoil (for me) could bring, not to mention it would be a semi-long distance relationship if anything happened between us.

If I come to town I might send her a friendly call and if she doesn't seem interested anymore, nothing more.

Or do you think ignoring her could be detrimental? I'm not good with this sort of thing.

[dr244]

Also, could I just be clinging to some old memories and feelings? Until she admitted her feelings (while drunk), I still remained aloof while talking to her, but as soon as something 'real' gets mentioned it sends me through this crap. I reacted badly and 'rejected' her in a way at first due to shock and confusion, not to mention at the time I was drinking and was hanging out with some friends, including the girl I'm seeing. I thought things had smoothed over since then though, and yesterday morning after the rejection was had a little talk and agreed to be friends still, but since then communication has been low. Really, maybe these feelings I have aren't real?

At some point last night I send her an irritated, very assholish message (once again, while drunk) that said something along the lines of "I guess you don't like me tonight/You must have been drunk/I'm going to hang out with other people". I can't remember exactly what I said, but that was the last thing I've said to her and there was no response or anything. That was stupid of me.

[Applesauce]

She is trying to use you for stability. After the birth of her kid and recent divorce, not to mention her rebound guy, she is very confused and you represent the only thing that is familiar to her. You did right for doubting her and protecting yourself. Stop thinking about her and move on

[Agape]

I'm sober now, and really thinking it would be best to ignore her and move on, unless she takes some sort of initiative to get back in touch with me. I really do have a busy, happy life without her and don't need this stress, and who knows what sort of complications being involved with someone with a child and this much emotional turmoil (for me) could bring, not to mention it would be a semi-long distance relationship if anything happened between us.

You've answered your own questions there. . . "ignore her and move on" . . . even if she does try to get back with you then it will lead to tons of complications

[dr244]

An update...

We met, got drunk and had sex on Friday. Saturday we spent all day cuddling, laughing, having a good time. Saturday night, we got drunk at a concert and she made a mistake and we went different ways that night, but she wasn't with any other guys or anything. Sunday, I got my belongings from her place and she seemed distant. I later texted her and asked if I could see her again before I left, and her reply was "I am going to have my daughter. I don't think it would be possible." and then she deleted me from Facebook and hasn't made contact since.

Well, it's very obvious that nothing is going to come of it, but I'm confused about everything. Friday and Saturday were great until the concert. We spent all day in bed, her being attached to me, telling me how she missed me, etc... then Saturday night she was trashed and we had a rough time. Sunday it was like every bit of emotion she had for me had suddenly left, and she barely seemed sorry about the night before. Now, I'm stuck with feelings for a girl who clearly wants nothing to do with me, only needed me temporarily, and images and memories from those two days keep running through my thoughts anytime I let my mind wander. I ****ed up really bad, it feels like I'm getting over her all over again. I knew better than to even talk to her but I let my heart overpower my brain. I ****ed up so bad. I should rightfully hate this girl but she's all I can think about. I'm 22 and I'm acting like a child.

[Applesauce]

She is trying to use you for stability. After the birth of her kid and recent divorce, not to mention her rebound guy, she is very confused and you represent the only thing that is familiar to her. You did right for doubting her and protecting yourself. Stop thinking about her and move on

quoting myself for being a damn psychic

[dr244]

That's unnecessary.

[Applesauce]

dr244 says:

"That's unnecessary."

no, what's unnecessary is going through emotional turmoil for no reason

[vashti]

Count your blessings. You are too young to be dealing with someone else's baby, and she sounds very immature. At most, you should pity her baby.