Things I learned from my "mom"

[HeartIsAching]

1. Coercion and threats are the first way to get what you want from your family members.

2. If coercion and threats fail, use physical violence.

3. When physical violence begins failing, resort to withholding your love. If they know you regard them as unworthy of love, they'll beg to have it back*

*of course, you have to actually show love beforehand for that to have effect. Mom: Fail.

It's ok "Mom". I've learned better now. I've learned what love is, and what it isn't... and what it isn't, I mostly learned from you. When my father dies, there's an excellent chance we'll never speak again - I'm good with that.

[Exeter19]

i read your comment in jffs24 thread too. i see what you mean from this thread. did she ever get any therapy for how she acted & reacted or always felt it was your problem and other people's problems & not about her? was she a single mom, or your dad was in the picture too? i have an ex whose mom was this way, she was never good enough to her mom, no matter what. got another friend whose dad was that way with him.

[HeartIsAching]

No, she's never gotten any therapy that I know of - personally I don't think it'd do any good. There's no known cure for sociopathy.

Yes, dad was in the picture - they've been married for 45 years. Dad wasn't home much, he worked a lot, mainly to satisfy my "mother" and her demands, and also I'm sure to avoid going home.

Unfortunately, my father doesn't come from long-lived stock, and my "mother" does. She's in her 60's and could pass for 40's.

[joanna1]

My mother was very verbally abusive, and my dad was away a lot as well. So my mother and sister ( her minon) would tag team me. So I understand your feelings about your mother. I used to feel guilty about how I felt about mine when growing up, but no longer. Sometimes parents can be emotional vampires instead of wanting the best for their children they relish failures and pain and even moreso if they cause those failures and pain.

[HeartIsAching]

Yep... Guilt was a part of my set of feelings for years.

Then I realized that it wasn't my fault.

I don't love my mother. I don't even like her, and I'm ok with that.

I have gotten endless shit for saying that, but it's true.

A few months ago, I saw my grandmother (my mom's mom) for the first time in many years. As I've not conformed to their wishes, I was not ok with either of them - when they left, I stood there ignored as they said their goodbyes. After a few minutes of that, I went back into the house, and they left. That was the last time I saw or will ever see my grandmother -she died a couple of weeks after that. My mother called me when my grandmother died... I was sleeping when the call came in and I didn't hear it. It was odd enough that I got a call from my mom that I called her back. Get that - It was ODD that I'd gotten a phone call from my mom. So I called her back. She told me that my grandmother had died.

My response? "I'm sorry for your loss."

End of.

I felt nothing. I still don't. Not someone that was significant in my life. Nor is my 'mother'. I've had emotions re-awakened in me in recent years... thought for sure that I was totally dead inside prior... Now I know better. I'm not dead inside, I'm just picky about who my love is given to, and frankly just because my head forced my "mother's" labia apart, isn't enough to make me love her, or to make her love me, apparently. I'm alright with that.

[Starnique]

I think you do love her and really want her love but you have resentment towards her.

[HeartIsAching]

Go right ahead. Think what you want. LOL

[Starnique]

Okay well shit. You don't love your mom. You just don't love her. It's your mom after all. It is what it is. Good luck.

[pcmaster]

Well If she wasnt ready for your love than I bet she is ready now. You have to forgive the loved ones in order to forgive yourself. Yeah you might meet some women who sometimes cares more about you than your mum did. But in the end of the day denying mother is like denying part of yourself.

[cbad]

But in the end of the day denying mother is like denying part of yourself.

I would disagree with that. Unfortunately, we can't choose our parents and sometimes they're not very good parents, even if they may be great people (or maybe they're also not very good people). But what makes things worse is when people pile on by saying "you know what, your parents are horrible, but if you don't love them then you're messed up." I've met many a person who, if I were their child, I'm quite sure I would not love them. The only caveat I would make is that when people present things, it's generally one-sided. In other words, I've also met perfectly nice parents who have rotten kids and, if you only listened to the kids, you'd come away thinking they were being raised by horrible people.

[toknow]

1. Coercion and threats are the first way to get what you want from your family members.

2. If coercion and threats fail, use physical violence.

3. When physical violence begins failing, resort to withholding your love. If they know you regard them as unworthy of love, they'll beg to have it back*

*of course, you have to actually show love beforehand for that to have effect. Mom: Fail.

It's ok "Mom". I've learned better now. I've learned what love is, and what it isn't... and what it isn't, I mostly learned from you. When my father dies, there's an excellent chance we'll never speak again - I'm good with that.

Even so, you should step back and remember, without her you might not have existed.
You have to respect her. Either way, you will not make it better if you are a reflection of her. When she is mean, be good to her.

[HeartIsAching]

I have to? Why? Because of an accident of genes? I refuse to respect, love or even like someone who consistently treats me poorly.

My sister has tried to excuse her behavior, saying "You don't know what her childhood was like."

Yeah well sis, I know what my childhood was like, and I know what my sisters childhood was like, and I know that neither one of us chose to treat our children that way.

Oh, and who the **** do you think you are? You think you get to tell me what I have to do? Piss off.

[Rowen]

When my father dies, there's an excellent chance we'll never speak again - I'm good with that.

I hope it's not out of line for me to say, but I honestly feel like it would be the best thing for you if you didn't speak after that happens... :S Don't get me wrong; I'm all for the preservation of family, but I just remember the things you told me about her. And, honestly, there comes a point when you can't fight to preserve your family any more...

If you ever need to talk, I'm here for you, and I definitely know your wife is. I wish you a world of happiness, HIA- you certainly deserve it.

[pcmaster]

Like old teacher in my school said : "Dont talk about bad !" With that he meant dont remember the bad things.

There should not be feeling of being too prud when you have close ones. Thats why forgive and ask for forgivness preferably while they are alive.

[toknow]

I have to? Why? Because of an accident of genes? I refuse to respect, love or even like someone who consistently treats me poorly.

My sister has tried to excuse her behavior, saying "You don't know what her childhood was like."

Yeah well sis, I know what my childhood was like, and I know what my sisters childhood was like, and I know that neither one of us chose to treat our children that way.

Oh, and who the **** do you think you are? You think you get to tell me what I have to do? Piss off.

I was trying to help you, not to make you cry about it.