Does my partner still love me after all this time?

[PaigeH]

I've been with the same person for 9 years now. For the last 8 years, we've spent every waking hour together — from morning where we brushed our teeth together, to work, all the way to the end of the day where we spent time with our child.

I know that to many, it sounds like a great story, but our story has had a lot of bumps, twists and turns along the way.

At the beginning, when we met, we were classmates in uni, and I always sat beside him, as it turned out that the empty chair at the end of the room was always saved especially for me. There was always an instant connection and we spent a lot of time talking to each other.

A few weeks later on, I find out he has a fiance, and decided we were better off as friends. He said he wasn't happy with her, but that the wedding was already planned, and paid for, and everyone expected it. So we continued being friends, and I continued on with my life, part of me loving him, although at the time I was with someone else (which I eventually broke off as I wanted to be fair with the other person).

We kept in touch even when he moved abroad, and when we talked, he would talk about how awful his wife was with him. I didn't believe this at first, but everyone who knew his wife said she had a hidden personality she showed only to her closest friends.

Anyway, when I finally got fed up and told him I couldn't be whatever I was to him any longer, he left her and came home to me. A few months later, we became a couple, and a year later, we had our first child.

We've been through a lot of hardships, and our early years of being together were spent being broke most of the time as it was quite costly raising a kid. We stuck to each other even during the hardest times.

And now I know you're wondering when I'm going to get to the point.

In the last 6 years of being together, we've barely had any "intimacy". Maybe it was the stress, or for a time, poor health from working too much, but at least I still felt he loved me —*he showed it through the little things, and the concern and that look in his eye.

Fast forward to today. We've moved to a new country, and everything is different. I'm mostly depressed nowadays. At times when no one is around, I cry by myself —*the reason not being I moved and everything is different — but he's different.

He used to like walking beside me and holding my hand. Now he walks and leaves me behind.
He used to always kiss me good night and tuck me into bed. Now he does neither.
He used to do all these little things for me.

When I used to cry, he would comfort me. Now he just lets me cry by myself.

I confronted him a few weeks ago about this, and he said he still loved me, but that I needed to grow up. At times, I try to see how he looks at me, and it just is different.

He mentioned once to me how he misses the old me — which was fun and not so depressed. I told him I missed that person too. I always wonder if he still loves me. If it's just a matter of time before he finds someone else. Someone more fun perhaps?

He also mentions from time to time that he likes how quiet our life is right now. That he can focus on his work. But I feel jealous everytime he has fun with his colleagues at work. I think I'm just jealous at how his eyes light up everytime he tells stories about them. His eyes used to light up like that whenever he looked at me. Now I feel he's always preoccupied with something.

He tells me I shouldn't be worried. He's not cheating on me and that we're too old to even think about such things after everything we've been through.

Also, to give some perspective, I am turning 31 this year. I am fit, and I look my age, though not as attractive as I used to be 10 years ago. I do mostly look sad though, and I know this because I see it everytime I look in the mirror. I've always had cycles of depression in the past, which comes and goes — maybe he's tired of that too as well.

I would like to hear some advice. Does he still love me? Is he going or is cheating on me, or am I too paranoid? Am I worrying too much?

[smackie9]

Find a nice doctor to help you with your depression, maybe have some meds prescribed, and possibly see a therapist. As for your intimacy issues, you both got too comfortable with each other, plus the responsibility of a child, financial woes, you both for got what it's like to be a couple. It can be reversed, you just need to make a lot of changes in your life, and within yourself.

If you need to talk to someone via IM on facebook I can be available to you for free help til you get back on your feet again. Just PM me on here. BTW I'm 51 years old/ female/married

[PaigeH]

Hi smackie9,

Thank you for the lovely message.

I used to see a psychiatrist when I was in my teens, and was prescribed anti-depressants then, but somehow I never felt that it made me better. Days would go by in a blur, and now when I look back to those times, I don't seem to remember much.

I quit taking my meds in uni and tried to control my depression through lots of exercise (endorphins), dark chocolates and my food intake. It has worked through the years, except when it's that "time of the month".

I'm Paige, by the way. It's really nice to be able to talk to you. I used to have a lot of friends before I had my daughter, but work and raising her took too much of my time that I sort of drifted away from my old friends. I'd still see them time and again (before I moved), but I've never felt comfortable discussing things like these with them.

If you don't mind me asking, how are you doing? It seems that you spend a lot of time commenting in this forum. This is actually my first time ever signing up for a forum like this. It is quite nice though that people like you exist. Sometime in the future, when I'm all better, I hope I can also be a beacon for others to hold on to.