i just need someone who will listen to me.

[deluded]

for starters, this is my first post.
i'm in a lot of pain, as many of you, and i'm writing in hopes that this will help me cope. i apologize for the long post. but i do enjoy writing, so maybe you'll find it entertaining.

ill begin my story by saying im head over heals in love with a girl i can't have. i'm sure i'm not alone. ill go ahead and give you a profile of me and this girl: we dated for nearly a year. she was my first love. first everything actually, as i was to her. that made it so beautiful. but i'm a fool. i never appreciated her the way i should have. i was so stupid. like many teenagers, i felt like i was on the giving end of the relationship. like i was doing someone a favor or something. the truth is, she gave me more than i ever knew. and i let her go.

i want to flash back to about 2 and a half years ago when my mom passed away. i was 15. she was the only person i ever trusted in my mess of a childhood. i loved her so much, when she left, a big part of me left. i didn't want to trust anyone, or myself. but god put that event in my life as an opportunity. a chance to grow into a man. so i wiped my eyes, and walked into the world my with my chin held high.
it was a year later i met that girl. megan is her name. i wasn't all that attracted to her. but she was adorable. so innocent. i made her laugh and she showed an immediate affection to me. i was hesitant. but before i knew it we were dating. i had more fun with her than i even realized. its taken me until now to realize she is what gave me new life. she filled that void my mother left. i was happy. but her utmost level of affection scared me a little. like plenty of teenage girls, she thought we were going to be together forever. i wouldn't have ruled that out. but it makes me uncomfortable to constantly mention it. we got sexual, to a certain extent. it was so exciting. but i found another girl. one i was immediately attracted to. i thought to myself: "if i'm already attracted to this other girl, would my time with her be better spent?"

most of everyone gets that way. you get greedy. you feel like there could be so much more before you even evaluate what you have.

i dumped megan. god it broke her heart. but it didn't last long, i couldn't stand to see her like that. so it wasn't a few days before we were together again. i was again hesitant.
we lost our virginity to each other. it was amazing. but dammit, i did the same thing as before. dumped her again. i hope you're understanding the selfishness of what i did to her. i deserve my current state. i can't imagine what it felt like for her. this time we were apart for about a month. but we got back together. it was august of last year. even then, i was not 100%. so stupid.
but we were happily together until december. she was completely in love with me. i began to have second thoughts again. she was beginning to feel that pain again, and she insisted we split. i felt free.

i was content with what i did. and i slept at night just fine. i tried dating, and had some fun with it. i hit a bump when i had the chance to have sex with someone else. i physically, and mentally, could not do it. i noticed that megan had really gotten under my skin. megan began dating someone else. i thought it was good for her. but she constantly texted me, talking of how much she missed me. she had sex with him, it hurt me a little more than i expected. i didn't know how much sanctity meant to me. it was then things truly went uphill for her, and downhill for me. id see them together, then toss and turn that night. i couldn't stand it. then prom night, i almost lost it when i saw her with her man. she happened to come to the after-party alone.
and we hooked up. it was amazing. i was never happier. she quickly dumped her man.

it was still at this point i wasn't sure of everything.
but for the first time, my emotions became very clear when she rejected me and got back with her man.

now its over a month later. and she has played, lied, rejected, hurt, mocked, and teased me to the point of suicide becoming a serious consideration. you wouldn't believe the massive emotion transition.

what she has been doing to me feels so unfair. i don't want to detail it, its so bad. the terrible thing is, its made me realize i did somewhat of the same thing to her. not as extreme. but my selfishness and blindness makes up for it.

its truly too painful to even type.

it has taken almost a year and a half of my and her doings to place me in a state of unbelievable love for her. i feel like we could be so happy if i were for once 100% in the relationship.

but she says she is in love with him. i don't know what to do. it hurts so bad. i want to be the man i always should have been. i don't want anyone else to make her happy. what have i done? id give everything i own to take back what i did to her. i hate myself for it. i miss her so much. she gave me so much that i took for granted.
can't i be rewarded for realizing the mistake, instead of being punished for it? i don't deserve it. but i can't stand it anymore! she filled a part of my life that i don't even want to replace with another. she is my new life. and i didn't even know it before.
what do i do? i just want the mistakes to go away and let me treat her the way i should have always. she's shunned me out of her life. where do i go when moving on isn't an option? i don't want to live without her. what she's doing to me could take a pepsie challenge with my mom's passing. is there any direction i can go that won't keep me up at night any longer?

somebody help me. :,(

[Sonrisa]

is anyone gonna read all that?

[deluded]

i don't care. i was venting. you don't have to like it.

[Aeradalia]

Deluded... I know you've heard it before... and you'll probably hear it many times again... but life isn't fair. She had given you many chances to reconcile as you've stated... and apparently you had squandered one too many chances. However, we are only human and will make mistakes. Just learn from them and try not to make the same mistakes again.

No, suicide is not necessary as the pain you feel now will not last forever. Such drastic measures do not apply in such matters.

With your mother's passing... you managed to cling to her to ease the burden... and with her moving on with her life... you now have no one to help with the pain. However, a person can grieve the loss of a relationship and move on without needing someone there to ease the pain --- it'll be difficult but it can be done. Just keep yourself busy --- force yourself to stay busy. Avoid her when you can... remove any items that remind you of her... and do not accept any form of contact from her.

I know you do not want to hear it... but you will find another in time... your heart will heal and and love again eventually.

The pain you feel is temporary... just keep busy, hang out with friends... stay distracted, and avoid contact with her. Eventually, when your thoughts will no longer linger about her... life will lose the tinge of sadness and be filled with opportunities for happiness again.

[turbo240]

is anyone gonna read all that?

i did.^^^^^any way dude this is coming from someone in ur same situation and alot older.from what ive heard when ur mother dies on u at an eirly age u tend to stay at that age in ur mind set.it gets worse as life goes on. i lost my mom at 12 and it was hard but passed rather quikly for me cuz of age.now the older i get mothers day and her death date really affects me to the point of crying. i cant even remember her b day and dont want to.
what u have to do now is except what has happened,learn from it and apply it to ur next realationship,,,,,you are very young and there is plenty of girls out there.if you really feel like she is the love of your life then give her time,,,respect,,,make urself be happy around her,,,,if u have the chance,,,donot call her,,,do not text,email,, nothing.if you talk one on one do not talk about the realationship of hers or about you 2.casual conversation,,,, and keep it simple and short,,,,,u want her to want you and poeple want what they cant have.u need to make it seem that way to her ,,like everthing is fine and your cool wit it.
ive made this same mistake.not appreciating my girl,, not investing in my realationship,,,,being stuborne,,, and i feel truly that i have lost the love of my life.it has crushed my life for the last 3 months but i have to go on,,, time heals all and god heals all.if you dont pray u need too.
your feelings are hurt,,i know.u dont want to do things that u normally like,,cant sleep good at night,,,ect.ect.this all will pass sooner or later.
love is a choice bro,,,just like everthing else is.u either choose to love someone and stay taking the good w/ the bad and allways,ALLWAYS,,,,working it out and moving forward in the realationship.or u choose to give up and move on to something else.love never gives up!!!!!even if there is someone else in her life. if u really truly love her u will keep on doing it.
now if u say ""but she doesnt love me anymore"that doesnt matter ,,if u truly love her u will not quit,give up, or stray from ur choice.it may hurt really bad but this is what u need to ask urself.. DO I REALLY LOVE HER???????
imo the directon u need to go is to church.or look into a book called the love dare.it gives scripture from the bible on what love really is and how a couple should unite and treat each other. that is if you believe in GOD.
hope i helped bra,,,,,it did me.
feeling crushed myself and moving on,,,,gl man.

[Ruguy]

Well deluded

She doesnt want to being dumped by you anymore and who can blame her...
If you are in agreement with yourself and detrmine not to do it anymore, sorry bro but you will have to prove it to her. Have you ever sent her flowers or did anything so special that she noticed.
Just remember, at the end of the day you don't have to prove that you are a man because its clear to anyone already.

Anyway, if I were you.. I would exhoust all my options to get her back before writing her off and moving on.

[deluded]

thanks people. with the summer coming up, things are gonna get hard. but i guess the only direction to go is forward. im not going to give up on her. if she ever wants me, she knows where to find me.

[Ruguy]

As one classic poet wrote: "The less we like the women, the more we loved by them".