Mind vs Heart... Should I continue?

[JJ_3009]

Hi everyone,

I'll keep this as short as possible. I'm currently in University in the midlands and have been in a couple of previous relationships. I've met a girl and have known her for around six months now and I really like her.

We get along really well as friends, we cook together, we eat together and we talk all the time and see each other and we're there for each other.

Now... here comes the twist...

She's never really been in any relationship and has only really had this one guy in her life who goes to another university in the south. They've been best friends for around four years and it has developed at some points towards feelings to more than friends.

It seems they get along really well but he doesn't seem to want to take it forward and feels that there are too many 'complications' involved and tries to avoid the issue which has left her quite upset wondering where she stands - so much so that they feel that there is no need to discuss the issue.

She feels things have changed between them and avoids discussing the issue because I feel she doesn't want to come to terms with the issue.

With me, she's great but at times I feel that maybe I am filling in for the guy - another friend of hers did reveal his feelings for her and he was pretty much in the same position as I am this year, last year.

I do like her, and I have made that clear without actually saying anything but I think she feels we are 'just friends' as she doesn't get too close - more so defensive at times.

Although, things are now beginning to change. My friends think that I should be really careful with her and my mind is telling me that it's wrong as she's feeling for someone else for me to feel this way. I know this sounds so cliché but I'm happy if she's happy - it is the truth as I actually try to give as much objective advice regarding this best friend of hers - anything to really make her happy, even if that isn't with me.

I know it seems like it's been a short while, but she's different to the other girls I've been with. I think the fact I've had previous relationships doesn't help as she hasn't been with anyone and I find that maybe she's a little prejudicial or keeps a safe distance because of this.

I'm not sure whether to keep pursuing, my mind says no but my heart says yes - things are changing and we are becoming closer than before... much closer and our mutual friends see it...

Is it worth the chase... ?

[lesa]

It sounds like you haven't really chased her. Try that first and then things will become clearer for you.

[JJ_3009]

The thing is I've tried my best without ruining the friendship - e.g. flowers, cooking for her, small sentimental things and literally doing a few things which most 'normal' friends would not do... I think even this other guy would know by now! It doesn't make sense, sometimes she's really on it... but then she backs off as if something is stopping her...

[carl1222]

What chase?

She's carrying long term feelings for a guy who has moved on from his relationship with her, and this has kept her from being free to develop romantic feelings for someone else. Her friend tried to break through that wall last year and failed.

Obviously, her feelings for the guy down south are misplaced just as are your feelings for her probably are. There is nothing "right" or "wrong" about feelings ... they just ... are. She's probably hoping that when school is over, she will be able to rekindle the relationship with her "ex." That's probably foolish on her part, but what can you do?

Yet you say she's starting to warm to the possibility of a romantic relationship with you. What do you mean by "becoming closer?" is your relationship actually turning romantic? If your willing to take the risk that if her ex wants to come back into her life, she will definitely run to him, then continue to pursue her. It's a lot more risk than I would be willing to take, but then again, I am not attached to her like you are.

So I'm afraid you have no choice but to make the head/heart decision on your own. We can't really help you much because you have all the facts and realities already. Head says no, heart says yes ... whatever choice you make, there is likely to be some pain involved for you.

Carl.

[Gigabitch]

JJ, take some initiative and go for it. Oh, and never say that "I'm happy if she's happy" crap again. That's pathetic, and you know it.

There's something a little odd to me about a girl her age that has never had any relationships at all and pines for this guy that doesn't even want her. Do you have any idea why she's so inexperienced, JJ? Is she just really shy? Was she raised to be super religious? Was she molested by some creep when she was younger and now has trust and intimacy issues? What's the deal?