Strong feelings for a friend - what to do?

[LilyPetals]

Hello Boys!

Okay I am in need of some big time advice here. This might be long but I would really appreciate some honest advice.

To make a long story short I'll summarize the background story.

I met boy 3 years ago at work. We were co-workers. Had a casual co-worker/casual friend relationship. Boy was in serious relationship. Boy broke up serious relationship in November. Boy and I become better friends as I provided some support for him. Boy quit job in January.

This is where my story starts. So once he quit the bar we work at, even though I was disappointed, it was ultimately the start to our real friendship. One night in February, he came to the bar we worked at together and after my shift, me and him went to get a bite to eat which is something we did almost every week when he worked there. So this particular night, we ended up staying at a fast food joint at 3am talking till about 6am when we finally went over to his place and continued talking till about 9am. We just shared a lot about each other and time seemed to fly by. We ended up sleeping together that night. It was so random and surprising to both of us but it really kickstarted our friendship, ironically. After that we did fool around a bit one more time soon after that but that's it. We began hanging out a lot together and we've become good friends. We have tons in common and are very alike-minded. He confides in me, especially about his ex (who he is not yet over!), girls, anything really it seems. he is very guarded so I've realized that he seems to have a lot of trust in me and appreciates our friendship. Though he doesn't quite say that he does, he has been there for me when I needed a friend and it was enough to show me that he cares.

However, through this time, I've developed some major feelings for him. He has known about this for a while as it came spilling out one night over an msn conversation (ugh!!!) and I was really upset at myself for letting it slip. However, it didn't change the friendship one bit. We continued being good friends, hanging out alone and nothing felt weird at all. Unfortunately, I never suspected that he had feelings for me either. I often even questioned how much he appreciated my friendship a lot but he has come through everytime I needed it and I just realized that actions speak louder than words.

Then, recently, things got a bit confusing. Once in a while, I sleep over at his place after a late shift for convenience sake, or sometimes if I am there really late I'll just stay over. So last week I was hanging out with him all day and he was suppose to drive me home, but 4am came around and he decided that he'll drive me in the morning (the fact that he didn't at any point get up and say, 'ok lets go, i'll take u home' lets me know he enjoys my company), so we went to sleep. I got into his bed, and he got in after me. Right away, he put his hand on my waist and attempted to almost spoon with me. Before you know it, he was rubbing my back and then things started to get a bit heavy. BUT, after about 30 mins of that, he turned around and said "it's probably best we shouldn't." He gave me the excuse that he didn't want to complicate things and make them weird. He then said "oh and you know, there's also that thing about how you feel..."

I was needless to say, really upset after that. But I got over it. In retrospect, I was actually happy that he didn't just use me but respected me and the friendship to stop. I hear it's not easy for a guy.

Then a week later, this past weekend, I slept over again after a late shift, and once again in bed, he put his arm on my waist and tried to spoon with me once more on and off, on and off. Oh and then yesterday when I was over, he referred to me as like 'his sister' - those dreaded words. Okay seriously, what gives?? a sister that you like to spoon with once in a while??

I mean I would love LOVE for this guy to have feelings for me but I know that he is still reeling in from his break up 6 months ago and that he isn't ready or anything serious (and I even tell him that myself). Our friendship has developed so fast in such a short period of time and I appreciate it so much. However, I keep thinking that maybe it's best I distance myself. I feel like I can really get hurt here but at the same time, he has become such a good friend, that I don't want to lose that either!

Can anyone offer my some honest advice on what I should do? stay friends? distance myself?? I definitely don't want to bring up my feelings to him again...he obviously knows how I feel, he definitely hasn't forgotten!

[steelsword]

Have you been direct and asked him if he has any non-friendship/romantic feelings for you? Guys are stupid, take it from me, I'm a guy, I know. We don't pick up on hints that women like to drop and we really prefer that you be direct with us. Obviously you've already told him how you feel, but you need to get him to tell you how he feels. The question is, can you deal with it if he doesn't feel the same?

Basically, no matter what you do, you're going to get hurt unless he feels the same. If he does, great, if he doesn't, you'll be hurting for wanting to be with him and him not wanting you back. If you never ask and continue to be friends with him, you'll be wanting it to be more and be hurting about that. I'm in somewhat similar situation myself with a female friend of mine, except I'm the one with the feelings for her (and we don't hang out together, yet...)...

[LilyPetals]

I don't know if I can ask him this right now.
I feel like if he develops feelings for me, he will follow through on them on his own. What is there to be direct about if he already knows how I feel for him? I feel like he is confused on his own...he sends totally mixed signals. Maybe I will ask, but it wont be anytime soon, I dont think.

[Gigabitch]

Yeah, I advise you to stop getting into bed with this guy. I got my heart broken a long time ago by a "friend" I was taking naps with. If he's reeling from his breakup, he's probably not in the best frame of mind. YOU have to be the responsible party, here. Enough with the snuggling, already.

[steelsword]

I don't know if I can ask him this right now.
I feel like if he develops feelings for me, he will follow through on them on his own. What is there to be direct about if he already knows how I feel for him? I feel like he is confused on his own...he sends totally mixed signals. Maybe I will ask, but it wont be anytime soon, I dont think.

Not necessarily. Some guys, like myself, are not able to approach women with things like that. And I was saying you need to be direct in asking him if he feels anything for you.

Also I agree with Giga in that if you all are not b/f-g/f then there's no point in the snuggling and the like.

[LilyPetals]

Not necessarily. Some guys, like myself, are not able to approach women with things like that. And I was saying you need to be direct in asking him if he feels anything for you.

Also I agree with Giga in that if you all are not b/f-g/f then there's no point in the snuggling and the like.

I feel like he would make a move if he wanted to. However I'm going to have to consider talking to him, how would suggest I approach the topic?

As for the snuggling, what the hell does that mean? I never initiate anything. Everything happens is initiated by him. I mind my own business in bed and am usually even turned away from him. This is where and why I feel like he sends mixed signals, am I wrong?

[Gigabitch]

You climb into his bed. What the hell do you mean, you never initiate it?

[steelsword]

I feel like he would make a move if he wanted to. However I'm going to have to consider talking to him, how would suggest I approach the topic?

Ok next time you talk to him, if you decide you do want to bring this up...say something similar to this:

You: You know I have feelings for you and want to be more than just friends with you. Do you have any feelings like that for me, or are we just friends, or what?

If he answers you then you'll have you answer.

As for the snuggling, what the hell does that mean? I never initiate anything. Everything happens is initiated by him. I mind my own business in bed and am usually even turned away from him. This is where and why I feel like he sends mixed signals, am I wrong?

That's your problem. You need to not be in bed with him period. Not unless you're going to be FWB or b/f-g/f or married.