horrible wedding..

[Barsonlytwo]

so last week i went on vacation to chicago. i was a groomsman for my cousin. so it was a busy week. in the beginning of last week i made this sort of promise to myself to move on with my life. to leave him behind. and i told myself when you come back to NY, you will be a new person without him. so i get to chicago, get my tux, get ready for the wedding. and during the ceremony, he came to my mind. i mean weddings are all about love. and i miss him. a lot. so i thought about him, but sort of with a smile on my face, like " yea that was a long time ago." and the night after the wedding was probably one of the most horrible for me. i had a dream. a dream that felt so real, yet truly sad at the same time.

in this dream, i rescued him and he was waiting for me. he chose me. i was able to hug him and kiss him and hold him. and him hold me. he took me into his home. and during the dream, i could not believe what was happening. so i was trying to wake myself up in the dream cause i knew deep down it wasnt real. i was trying so hard, i was hitting myself. and he tells me that its not a dream. but i kept hitting myself, telling myself wake up, wake up this isnt happening, and i did wake up. and what painful feeling it was to wake up. not because it was a dream of me being with him and then reality, but the realization that it will always be a dream and only a dream. even in my dreams i cant be with him.

so i wake up sad after the wedding. i didnt feel like doing anything. my cousins were like "christian youre so tired." im like yea i am. when really i was sad. so i called my old job, where he works, so i can talk to my friend jonathan who would understand how i was feeling. he doesnt work on sundays so i was just expecting to talk to jonathan. i call and my jonathan doesnt pick up. its him. i havent heard his voice in such a long time. and i didnt know what to say. so i just hanged up the phone. and i start to tear up. i mean it was too much. so the whole day i tried calling, to talk to him. to just hear him. i wanted to listen to his voice. but everytime i dialed the number, i wouldnt call. and when i did, he picked up again. and again i hanged up.

so i dont know. its so hard sometimes. i mean the dream just brought everything back to the surface again. i guess im not going to be able to move on without talking to him again, and truly letting him know the reason. some people in our lives just take everything we can give. they just affect us so much. they change us forever. and now everytime i meet someone in my life, i will always compare them to him. and they will never measure up. i will always feel that i have to settle. and i dont like that feeling. knowing that there is someone out there who is perfect for you, yet you know it is not possible, so you go to the next best thing. and love shouldnt be like that. love shouldnt be about settling. loving someone is because you know they are the most imporant person in your life. maybe thats how i feel now. but i hope it changes. just thinking about the future, and even then, i know it will still hurt.

[xwfuro]

maybe you should consider either calling him or writing him some sort of letter, for some closure? Its going to take time regaurdless but sometimes to put all you feelings out there in the end helps get some stree off your shoulders... Otherwise stay strong one day itll be ok.@

[Tiay]

hey, thanks for the update. It sounds like you need some closure on this, I hope you can get it

[Gigabitch]

Oh, bars, it takes a long time. You'll have a lot of little backslides. It's okay. Just feel the feelings and take care of yourself.

[Barsonlytwo]

i dont wanna feel the feelings anymore. im so exhausted. i mean my life is getting back together and im feeling happy again. except for him. and every moment i cant stop thinking about him. i didnt know that someone could make me feel like this. its amazing what love does to a person, good or bad. ive put away my pictures, changed my wallpaper, but im still re-living the good times everyday. thats what i want to stop. but who wants to let go of good times? who wants to forget the moments that lasts forever? who wants to forget that feeling of complete bliss? i dont want to forget them. but how can i let go of him when all i think about is what he did for me, to me.

[xwfuro]

youll come to find that as time goes by you start to remeber the good times only, but it doesnt hurt anymore it is just a good memory. everything will be okay, just keep telling yourself that, and hangout with your friends as much as possible/

[Gigabitch]

Babe, you don't have to let go of the good times. Those are yours; you earned them. You have to let go of the pain and the expectation. You have to come to understand that those things are being generated by YOU and have nothing to do with him.

Then you get to enjoy the memories. Now, they're just hurting you.

[Barsonlytwo]

regret is the feeling i have right now. i had him. I HAD HIM. and i let go cause i was scared. i was so confused. and he turned his back away. it was my fault. im the reason im like this. im the reason im not with him. im to blame for being this way. i could have had the perfect love. i was willing to sacrifice everything. i was ready to give everything. but i was scared he would never love me. and it was too late.

but thank you guys, for listening to me. and talking to me. its a comfort to know someone is listening, though weve never seen each other, its truly a comfort. every little bit helps.

[xwfuro]

regret is the feeling i have right now.

FIRST off no one should ever regret that in my opinion is the worst thing ever. We all make mistakes in life, have you told him exactly what you just wrote? If not i suggest you do, you would be suprised how many people are willing to give you another chance. If you have and hes still keeping his distance then it is time to move on, its going to be a hard process and timely but you will YOU WILL get through this.

never regret, to live your life in regret youll never truly be happy.