Opinions needed.

[Jellybaby]

Hello, I'm new here and I would love to hear people's opinions on what the heck is going on with my man.

I feel he has been acting very sus for the past few months, but I am not completely certain it isn't just me over-reacting.

Let me give you a bit of background.

We have been together for approx 2.5 years, living together for 15 months.

About 8 months ago I was told he had a profile on a singles dating site.. I asked him about it and he admitted he set it up prior to meeting me and had just never bothered to de-activate it.. I could understand that.

Since then however he has been acting very odd when on the computer. Quickly closing webpages when I enter the room, not reading emails when I am around. His phone is the same, he will not answer some calls when I am around, saying it is his mother and he will call her later.

About 3 months ago a girl he used to have a FWB kind of deal contacted him as a friend. she stated quite definately that she would not contact him again if I had a problem with them talking, but if I was okay with it she would give him her number.
I would not have had a problem with him talking to her at all except for his response to her.. it was to not call him or send photos after a certain time when I would be home as I was extremely jealous! Now that just p'ed me off bigtime and I hit the roof!

A couple of weeks ago he had a function he needed to go to but didnt want me accompanying him to it.. I was to drop him off and then pick him up when he was ready to come home. I was perfectly fine with that until I was instructed to "drop him down the road" from the premises.. My suspicions were hitting overdrive over that one!

Another sus thing is when he ignores me.. totally like I am not there.

Anyway, I have waffled enough for a first post so please tell me what you all think.
Am I over-reacting or is he acting sus.

Cheers,
Jellybaby

[Aegis]

That does all sound rather ridiculous. If it's as you described, it seems he's definitely hiding something from you.

You might explain away the webpages as looking porn? Or perhaps something else that is, in his mind, shameful?

Not answering the phone...I do that all the time (or don't, lol)...I've a belief that if it's important enough, they'll leave a message. If I don't get a voicemail tone, it can't have been a big deal, so...I get yelled at a lot for not answering. Dunno if your guy kinda subscribes to the same philosophy or not.

The whole "don't send me stuff when you're around" with the fwb sounds quite clandestine.

Has he tried to keep you out of his life? I tend to do this with girls I have no intention of trying maintain relationships with, though 2.5 years prolly pulls it out of this category...

[Citycat]

I wouldn't like to be in a relationships when a partner hides something from me, especially if we're living together.

I think your man is acting weird. Can you check when was the last time he logged onto that dating site? Can you view the history in his browser? What kind of sites does he visit? You should snoop on his secretly, without him knowledge, to see what he's doing. If it's porn, talk about it. But from your post I think that he's up to more. Maybe he's secretly meeting women. If so, then you have to be cautious about your health.

You don't know for sure what he's doing, I can only guess...

Try to dig up the truth. Otherwise, you'll be losing your sleep. If he acts weird, act weirder. You know you have to clear this up now, whatever it is, if you leave it for later, it will only bother you more.

[Maclauren]

Definitely something going on... all my bull**** alarms are being tripped on this one. If I didn't know any better I'd have to say he's been having an affair for quite some time. That's just my two cents.

[Mish]

Anyway, I have waffled enough for a first post so please tell me what you all think.
Am I over-reacting or is he acting sus.

I'm sorry to hear about all that. I don't think you're overreacting, you have reasons to be suspicious. Have you and him had a talk about boundaries and nature and where the lines should be drawn concerning interaction with other people? If not, I think now will be a good time to start.

How did you find out about the FWB girl? How did you find out what his response to her was?

All of the above aside, you may need to be ready for a worst case scenario.

[Jellybaby]

That does all sound rather ridiculous. If it's as you described, it seems he's definitely hiding something from you.

You might explain away the webpages as looking porn? Or perhaps something else that is, in his mind, shameful?

Not answering the phone...I do that all the time (or don't, lol)...I've a belief that if it's important enough, they'll leave a message. If I don't get a voicemail tone, it can't have been a big deal, so...I get yelled at a lot for not answering. Dunno if your guy kinda subscribes to the same philosophy or not.

The whole "don't send me stuff when you're around" with the fwb sounds quite clandestine.

Has he tried to keep you out of his life? I tend to do this with girls I have no intention of trying maintain relationships with, though 2.5 years prolly pulls it out of this category...

My thoughts were the same with the fwb moment.. I in fact called her and she wasn't happy that he had lied and told her I knew and was okay with it.

Looking at porn? Possibly, although I don't know why he would try to hide it.

Keeping me out of his life. Hmmm at times, yes he shows no interest in having me around, other times he wants to talk about getting married.

[Jellybaby]

I wouldn't like to be in a relationships when a partner hides something from me, especially if we're living together.

I think your man is acting weird. Can you check when was the last time he logged onto that dating site? Can you view the history in his browser? What kind of sites does he visit? You should snoop on his secretly, without him knowledge, to see what he's doing. If it's porn, talk about it. But from your post I think that he's up to more. Maybe he's secretly meeting women. If so, then you have to be cautious about your health.

You don't know for sure what he's doing, I can only guess...

Try to dig up the truth. Otherwise, you'll be losing your sleep. If he acts weird, act weirder. You know you have to clear this up now, whatever it is, if you leave it for later, it will only bother you more.

He has de-activated the account with the site but Im not positive it was the only site he was on. As for meeting women the most concerning thing with that is what might he catch and pass on! Ick!

I have confronted him about all of these concerns and he gets rather upset about it all.. claims it was just him not thinking and me thinking too much!

[Jellybaby]

My alarms were going off with this too.

But wait.. there is more..

We went out to a function one night, we had a room and he had decided to take his jacket to the room before coming back to join everyone for some drinks.
Half an hour passed and no sign of him so I tried to call, hoping he hadn't fallen asleep in the room as he had the only key. He didn't answer the phone. I then sent a text message. Again no answer!

After another 10 minutes I tried again to call him, this time he answered, laughed when I asked him where he was - and hung up! Grrr..

At the hour point I sent him a message telling him I had gone to reception, told them I needed a new room key and the one he had would no longer get him into the room and to enjoy his night. BINGO!! Within moments he was calling me and then joined us, claiming he had been trying to find me for the past hour and accused me of being off shagging one of our friends. This was in May and I still have no idea where he was that night.

All I can say is he if he having an affair.. his loss!

[lesa]

No way! I would not tolerate him at all. He is not my type of man.

[Jellybaby]

I'm sorry to hear about all that. I don't think you're overreacting, you have reasons to be suspicious. Have you and him had a talk about boundaries and nature and where the lines should be drawn concerning interaction with other people? If not, I think now will be a good time to start.

How did you find out about the FWB girl? How did you find out what his response to her was?

All of the above aside, you may need to be ready for a worst case scenario.

I found out about the fwb through a friend, called her and she confirmed what he had said to her.
I had a copy of the messages and when I let him know I was onto him, he did the whole defensive thing again..

The thing he doesn't seem to get is, he thinks I am stupid because I am placid and easy going 99.9 percent of the time and act the goof a lot. What he needs to realise is I am in fact very smart and there is a very fiesty temper lying just under the surface of that patient person he thinks he has under his thumb.

I think this weekend I might cook my darling his favourite meal and then hit him with the cut the crap or there's the door scenario.

[Citycat]

At the hour point I sent him a message telling him I had gone to reception, told them I needed a new room key and the one he had would no longer get him into the room and to enjoy his night. BINGO!! Within moments he was calling me and then joined us, claiming he had been trying to find me for the past hour and accused me of being off shagging one of our friends. This was in May and I still have no idea where he was that night.

HUGE MISTAKE. You should've done what you had written in the text and caught him in the act, or not.

The thing he doesn't seem to get is, he thinks I am stupid because I am placid and easy going 99.9 percent of the time and act the goof a lot. What he needs to realise is I am in fact very smart and there is a very fiesty temper lying just under the surface of that patient person he thinks he has under his thumb.

If you really are as smart as you claim you are (no offense intended, don't misread it), why do you waste your life with such a person? Do you really think he'll change and stop acting the way he does? Adults don't change, and if they do, it's usually for the worse. Better dump him now, then later when he might cheat on you in marriage and with children. Stop trowing your months with this guy, you have only 1 life and limited number of neurons.

[starbuck]

If he's dating you, he shouldn't have an active profile on a dating site, period. He should deactivate it, and take himself off the market. That is shady.

Trust your instincts, hun, they're probably right.

[anachronistic]

No offense, but what a jackass he is.

[Mish]

I found out about the fwb through a friend, called her and she confirmed what he had said to her.
I had a copy of the messages and when I let him know I was onto him, he did the whole defensive thing again..

I think he is doing the defensive thing because he believes he can get away with a little bit of perssitence and you will go with it. I think some boundaries are missing in your relationship. I think if some clear boundaries were set you wouldn't need to go with the cut the crap or there's the door thing.

For example, leaving you by yourself for an hour and a half at the function without a proper explanation is a big no no regardless if he's having an affair or not. His explanation for something as disrespectful as this could only be no less than being hit by a bus and lying in a coma for you to forgive him. I'm not sure how the conversation with him will pan out, but be ready for more of his defenses and decide in advance what you will do once you encounter them. I would consider saying good bye and not look back. He sounds like a pathological liar and a control freak to boot.