I CANNOT figure this man out. Maybe you can?!
I met this guy online (he's 27, I'm 21, he just finished med school.. studying for his boards). He lives in the area. We talked a lot on the site before we ever met, and he said to me "You're actually the first person I've told my real name to." That puzzled me.. but I'll explain later. He also said to me, "Well you are cute, but I'm sure you hear that a lot." I fell in love with him the second I met him in person. I have never been so attracted to a person as much as I am to him. It's not even how he looks.. it's his entire demeanor and mind and everything, naturally. (When I initially messaged him, I just automatically assumed that he didn't want to be more than friends.. I still don't think I'm the prettiest thing in the world, even though so many guys try to convince me otherwise. So when I suggested we hang out, I said as friends, so he didn't have to worry.)
We basically have been talking every single day since I messaged him on the website. That was back in September.. it is now March. Occasionally we'd go one or two days without talking and whatnot. But I'd always wait for him to text me, and he WOULD. Always. It never failed.
I eventually told him that I was developing feelings for him (I didn't tell him the extent of the feelings.. didn't want to scare him away). Before I tell you what he said in response, this is a little about him:
His father was extremely abusive when he was a kid.. left him in a dark, dark place. His confidence is extremely low.. as in he blacked-out all of his mirrors at school and didn't ever really go out. He said to me earlier in the relationship that he never ever attempts to kiss girls first because he thinks he's not good enough. That they always deserve better. This is crazy because physically, he's GORGEOUS. Absolutely gorgeous. He also has told me that he finds it hard to feel crazy about anybody.
Every relationship he's been in has been ended by him. Even after a four-year one. He told her, "look, I love you, but I don't think I'm in love with you." When his mom or sisters tell him they miss him, he can't say it back because he doesn't feel it, as much as he loves and respects them. He thinks he's missing a part of his soul.. and he gives back to the community and volunteers to try and compensate for it. He's extremely secretive about his work (he does a lot of work for NSA, I believe. a real techie. has shown me his skills.. it's crazy what he can do. but he leaves a lot of things about his life left unsaid. I don't even know his sisters' names). I've accepted this.
Okay-- so now the juicy part. What he said when I told him about my feelings.
"Look, I don't think I'm ready for a relationship. I never was ready for my past relationships, and I don't know when I will be. And anything physical can cripple the foundations of friendship, so I don't want to compromise anything like that." etc.. etc.. etc.. "If you don't want to continue this friendship, if you think it will be too hard for you, then I understand. Do what you need to do to make yourself happy." and then i told him a SECOND time that the feelings kinda didn't go away and that i don't want to set myself up for failure (also that even though we're friends, i wonder if he even thinks i'm pretty) he said, "look, i thought last time i made it clear we were just friends. this way, there's no room for rejection. nobody has to reject and nobody gets rejected. and it's not that i don't think you're pretty, i just i didn't go into this with the intention that you were going to be my girlfriend. it's nothing you did, so please don't think that. i respect you a lot."
But.. I kept the friendship going. Of course I try to analyze every little thing he says or does. For example, I told him once that I didn't feel good enough for him, just to see what he'd say.. and he said "It's the opposite, I assure you. but this is not about me, it's about you receiving the peace of mind you need." and then one time he said in regards to something i said, "which I must admit, was a very attractive thing for you to do." he told me he respects me, and tells me OFTEN how admirable my intelligence is, how insightful i am for my age, and has complimented my personality quite a lot. i'm mature, genuine, honest, passionate, etc.. qualities he does in fact look for in girls, or so he's said.
Oftentimes, we talk about sex. Not sexting, per se. But just about things we like, and stuff that turns us on, etc.. we seem to have a lot in common, there:P I admitted something to him once, and he responded with, ">.< kinkay". i have no idea what this means, but yeah. stuff like that.
KEEP IN MIND: he STILL ALWAYS TEXTS ME. even after I told him how I felt. it's rare we go more than 3 days without talking.
and one more weird story:
one time, i went on this rant about whales. and how much i love their qualities. i said that they "dance, they sing, are peaceful, intelligent, and just amazing. I could cry just thinking about them." and he said in response.... "connect, connect.. connect the dots." and i said "i don't think i get that" and he responded with, "open your eyes."
and i changed the topic, because I had no idea what that meant and he never explained. was he trying to tell me something?
so yeah, let's bring us to now. it's been almost a week since he texted me, and i'm starting to go crazy. i know he's going to take his boards soon in chicago and has been studying like crazy for them. and when we text, we text a LOT. full blown, in-depth conversations. i know he goes into recluse mode when he's studying, so perhaps that's why he hasn't texted me.
i'm starting to worry.. and i'm trying to get over it. get over him. it's been almost six months.. nothing. but the things he said.. although scarce, had some meaning.
you're a guy. PLEASE HELP ME. i'm going insane, and i don't think i've ever felt this way about ANYbody. EVER.
ugh. i was considering just writing him a short little note before he leaves.. to tell him how i TRULY feel. but idk.