uh oh... he read my posts

[nebulachic]

I was digging this guy online and vice versa. I"m on a dating site that if you post in their forums your posts are forever embedded with your profile. A relationship I was in up until this past Sep ended and I had a lot of unresolved feelings. I posted about it in the forums not knowing they would always be attached to my profile. The new guy I am interested in stopped responding to my IMs lately and actually seemed to log off sometimes when I went on the site. I sent him the following email a few days ago:

Hi P,

I must have said something that turned you way off. No biggee if you don't want to pursue anything.. but can you throw a sistah a bone?

He wrote back:
Sistah! No, was I supposed to do something? Last we spoke, you weren't feeling well. I then drove to NYC and back on the same day and am trying to to simultaneously recover and move forward work-wise. All in one week : )
I DID read your forum posts. Interesting.

I wrote:
“Interesting”. Ah I see. Dare I ask?

He wrote:
Nothing too controversial, although I see you are still dealing with situation/emotions with an ex.
I am going to (state) this weekend....checking out some land....
Hopefully we will talk more when I return.

The posts he read are below. They are from 3 months ago. What might he be thinking of them? I am thinking to send him the following response:

"Yeah I was really hurtin' when I wrote those. I was still coming out of the fog of having been gaslighted for months. I also didn't realize they would forever be embedded with my profile. I've been moving forward since though thanks in part to support from friends... new ___ projects... meeting new people... realizing he was a narcissist...
Thanks for responding and letting me know."

************************************************** *
What would you do if you dated someone... they cheated on you... told you it was a mistake and wanted to reconcile... had more contact with the other person after saying they wouldn't... and broke things off with you. Then after breaking up you find out they have really downplayed the situation to others... including saying the other person had become a Monk shortly after their "little month-long flirtation" (when the cheating actually lasted 4 months and included discussing establishing a life together)... and made it look like you were an unforgiving **** and your concerns were completely unfounded and you were just a jealous monster?

I am pissed off. I feel like he caused an airplane crash... and yet is walking away looking like a hero!

The friends are not mutual. I am not so much concerned what they think of me... I moreso want to expose him for what he is and show him he can't go around lying about me and the situation and get away with it.

"(unless you like worrying all the time about who he is with or what he is doing when he's away from you)" I don't try to think about it... it just seems to permeate me. I wake up in the middle of the night startled still. If I really knew he would "pay" someday for what he's done.. I could probably let it go. But it seems he's just gone on his merry lying way and even gotten into a similar scenario. I actually feel like a politician's mistress who was paid off or "asked" to keep her mouth shut. Really gross feeling.

What would you do if you knew your ex was telling mutual friends (moreso his but people you will prob see again and would like to be friends with still) the reason you broke up was they had a little flirtation you couldn't get over... when really they may have slept with the other person and definetly talked for months in email about having a life with them?

[someone responded there was really nothing I could do about it. I responded]:

Well actually there are things I can do about and already have. I spoke to 2 of the friends and told them how things really went. Now I want to send an email out to the remaining friends and cc: him on it so he can retort if he wants to. This is the beginning of the email I have drafted (I'll refer to him as Dave and the other woman as Tina):

I know Dave has discussed our situation and what occurred last year with an ex-girlfriend (Tina). I also know he has been making some very gross innaccuracies and demeaning my character in the process (ie, downplaying the level and length of their involvement.. saying that he terminated contact completely once I became aware of the situation... and that I never had any reason to feel threatened) . Also, I have communicated with Tina numerous times who was also very hurt by the situation. She has also conveyed that Dave has portrayed things inaccurately. I have cc: Dave on this as well.

[PussyCatDoll]

u obviously didn't learn your lesson, and continue to post everything.

[lesa]

u obviously didn't learn your lesson, and continue to post everything.

Wow, that sounds a little harsh.

I don't like posting on forum for reasons like nebulachic situation. But I would not be too concern and it was the past. He sounds very understanding.

I would not worry about him reading the old posts and just move on and enjoy the new relationship. If you make a big deal, it can hurt your current relationship.

[IndiReloaded]

This still haunting you? Wow.

NBC, you should give yourself a new profile & let the other one die. And be more discreet next time if you actually plan to meet anyone online in real life.

[IndiReloaded]

Stop double posting, NBC, its irritating. Makes you come off as attention-seeking & a bit desperate.

[nebulachic]

He and I broke up this past Sep. I should say he dumped me once he found out I contacted other woman. It's not just the breakup that has been hard to get over... I am still dealing with ramificaitons of the gaslighting (ie, PTSD).

I tried setting up another profile so the posts wouldn't be attached but the site recognized my IP addy and wouldn't let me.

[nebulachic]

!!!!!

I wanted just a male view at first.. but then decided for women's too.

Sorry!

[1averagejoe]

u obviously didn't learn your lesson, and continue to post everything.

I completely agree with you on this 100%. Never put things in writing you may not want to come up or be seen in the future.

I learned this the hard way with my ex and myspace. Slander is a bitch to defend against if all it is, is your word against things they have in writing. Ended up having to apologize and give them the impression that I believe she didn't cheat and I was the stupid one for assuming she did. Even though I know she did .

I know you feel like a fool, but don't act out against it. You'll only make yourself look like more of a fool if you try and deny it and fight it. Trust me, I know from personal experience...it sucks.

As for the guy you like, past emotional problems with ex's are not attractive. Whether the guy still wants to give you a chance is completely up to him. But it is a turn off for most guys. Maybe try talking to him more about what happened?

[nebulachic]

Thanks for sharing your experience 1AJ. Yeah... I also thought of offering to talk more about it.

This is the response I am thinking of sending online guy. Sound good?:

"Yeah I was pretty hurtin' when I wrote those. I also didn't realize they would forever be embedded with my profile. I've gained perspective and feeling more myself since though... hence my unbridled return to [dating site] amongst other things."

Thanks for letting me know.

************************************************** ******

I could also add: "I've also come to realize my ex may be a narcissist" or "I would be willing to answer any questions you might have".

[Illusional]

personally i wouldn't want to date anyone that spied on me. there is a lack of trust and imagine how it would be later in the relationship when you start to just hang out with your friends. you don't want to get tied up on the cell while your man is hounding you every 5 minutes.

raverboy

[Mish]

I DID read your forum posts. Interesting.

I wrote:
“Interesting”. Ah I see. Dare I ask?

He wrote:
Nothing too controversial, although I see you are still dealing with situation/emotions with an ex.
I am going to (state) this weekend....checking out some land....
Hopefully we will talk more when I return.

How did he know about your forum posts? Was this something you told him or he found out on his own? This is a way of invading your privacy you know, not a nice thing for him to do or mention. I personally don't think you owe him anything as far as explanations go.

[nebulachic]

As I mentioned in my first post.... I'm on a dating site that if you post in their forums your posts are forever embedded with your profile for anyone to read. It is the site's policy/philosophy. I only learned recently I could have created a new profile so the posts wouldn't be attached to me anymore.

What would you be thinking of someone who had posts like mine????

[misombra]

you are who you are and you can't go back and undo the things you've gone through.

if this guy can't handle it then you need to let him fly away like the little fly he his.

[Gigabitch]

There's not a thing you can do about the shit other people talk about you. Exes are expected to be pissy- nobody should take too much of what he says to heart, so just shut that door and walk away.

I'm sure you realize this is just another way to keep Dave in your life. You can't do that. You have GOT to move on.

As far as the other guy goes, I suppose he's a goner, but to avoid that happening in the future, could you not go in and edit some of those old posts? If you wrote them, you should be able to edit them indefinitely. Check it out.