Advice on when you believe there is still hope..

[JMR]

I have to say that I appreciate the considerate responses in this forum. I was in a relationship that ‘ended’ almost 4 months ago, and she has constantly been on my mind since the day we met. Time has made me realize how much I am in love with her and that I want to do everything possible for us to be together again. I have no strong reason to believe there is no hope for that, and I am trying to handle the situation now as best as possible. I’ll do my best to be brief with my background.

We dated for 6 months, most of that time spending time 24/7 together. We very alike in many ways, and share an incredible amount in common.. this made the relationship very enjoyable, and very fulfilling. About 5 months in, we both moved to a city together, but lived separately. Unfortunately after a month, stresses from the new city life and a severe cut of our time together hurt our relationship, prohibiting it from moving forward. Through our frustration, we both made bad decisions that ultimately broke us up..while we both realized there were problems, she ultimately broke up with me. Throughout the next 6 weeks, we were still very close, missing each other and hanging onto the familiar. She then started to put up walls between us to cut down on that, and then started seeing someone she works with (more on that in a second). After a couple weeks and some time to deeply think, I concluded that I did deeply love her, and I felt that the demise of our relationship had a lot to do with a question of commitment. After all, she is almost 3 years older than me, and before we broke up she expressed concerns that she might be ready to “settle down” before me. I told her how I felt and laid all of this out, and she was emotionally moved. She was silent for a week, during this time her sister told me she was distraught and wondering if she should have ever broken up with me, or if she should stay with the guy she was dating. She called me a week later and told me she didn’t feel the same as I did, and was moving on. I asked her why, and she stated that because we were a few years apart, I couldn’t fulfill all her needs, and some other small reasons I feel didn’t suffice. They did however touch on areas of my life that I needed to work on, which I felt was important. In general, I feel it was a timing issue, and the timing wasn’t right then. While I feel that our breakup was for legitimate reasons, there were no serious reasons that could not be resolved, either out of commitment or time. We both agreed that there was no serious incompatibility between the two of us. She said while she was moving on, she was open to the possibility of dating again, but she wasn’t concentrating on that possibility and it may never come. She did strongly want to remain friends, which I told her would be possible, I just needed time..she understood and told me the ball was in my court. We have both been very mature about all of this, and we both think very highly of each other.

The problem with time is an interesting one… time does not heal when there still is hope. My question is if I should still have hope, and what I should do about it.

In some ways, I feel like the guy she is dating is a rebound.. she works with him, and at one point during the 4 week period we were very close, we had some drinks at her apt and she told me about him, and how they were ‘completely different’ with ‘nothing in common’ and how ‘she just wanted out’. However, he is her age, and perhaps offers some things that I cannot, but I most certainly cannot believe he offers everything. I cannot say this for sure, but it is just my thoughts. I know that she has a very busy schedule, and that she probably doesn’t have a lot of time to spend with her bf. Two Friday nights in a row we saw each other at a party – both times her bf was not with her. The second party, I brought a girl with me.. they both briefly met, and I only talked to the girl I brought for the rest of the night. The next two days she texted me and called me a couple times, during that period asking when we would be friends again. I told her flatly that given the way things are (her dating someone), we could not be friends.. she told me that I was missed, and I said the same about her. She sent me a couple miscellaneous texts after that.. to a point that if she continues to contact me I will feel the need to remind her that I need space and we cannot be friends right now…it obviously hurts.

The point is, this is extremely difficult to deal with. I am very much in love with her, and I’ve had enough time to know that I do for all the right reasons. I feel like for the both of us, timing is the biggest problem between us.. I perhaps wasn’t ready to be with the person I truly wanted. Being alone has been a very reflective time, and also a time for me to concentrate on parts of my life that were important to me. I feel that the relationship she is in now is not for all the right reasons, and may not last. This is why I still have hope. I do not want to move on, and I am not trying to.. even though I am open to meeting new people and a new relationship, if that comes. The hardest parts for me now is this: Continuing to analyse our relationship as it is now for any hints of anything.. whether she misses me or is forgetting about me. Second, to keep me on her mind but also be able to give myself space. When we talk, I’ve been rather mute on what is going on with me to keep her curious. I know we will randomly run into each other at parties, or maybe on the subway (we work very close and take the same line), and I’m OK with that.. I want to run into her so she sees me.. I just don’t want her contacting me because it hurts.

I’ve talked to a few close friends about this (perhaps too much) and the biggest advice I’ve gotten is to keep doing what I am doing, keep myself busy and concentrate on me, and give this time. More than anything, I want her back, and I am willing to let time take its course. Is it wrong to feel this way? Is it better for me to continue doing what I am doing and keeping her at a distance, or should I try and be friends and continue to show her that I want to be with her, period. I’m trying to find the right path to 1. Get her back when the time is right if possible, 2. Protect myself from hurt, and 3. Leave myself open to meeting new people. I wish there was a perfect solution.. relationships are delicate, and I’m trying to handle this all in the best way. Thank you in advance.

[JMR]

No response or discussion? Anyone out there? This means a great deal to me..

[carl1222]

I’ve talked to a few close friends about this (perhaps too much) and the biggest advice I’ve gotten is to keep doing what I am doing, keep myself busy and concentrate on me, and give this time. More than anything, I want her back, and I am willing to let time take its course. Is it wrong to feel this way? Is it better for me to continue doing what I am doing and keeping her at a distance, or should I try and be friends and continue to show her that I want to be with her, period. I’m trying to find the right path to 1. Get her back when the time is right if possible, 2. Protect myself from hurt, and 3. Leave myself open to meeting new people. I wish there was a perfect solution.. relationships are delicate, and I’m trying to handle this all in the best way. Thank you in advance.

Patience.

The best advice is in bold in your own post. If she has a change of heart, she will come to you. Nothing you can do or say will change that.

In the meanwhile, trying to be just a friend is a recipe for indefinite pain and heartbreak. It's the worst thing you can do.

Carl.

[Aeradalia]

Carl is right... patience is key and so is remaining away from the painful 'let's be friends phase.'

However, your mindset needs to be altered too. You shouldn't be improving yourself for her... you need to make these improvements because you feel you need them. You're pinning all your hopes on a very fragile situation... one that could collapse and nullify all the self-improvement you have accomplished so far... because your cause or purpose for doing so would be gone. Essentially you will end up hurting yourself if you have her as the reason and not yourself.

Plus if things do work out between you and her... all the self-improvement you accomplished for yourself (not her) will have more value and a greater sense of permanence.

[JMR]

I really appreciate the support.. patience is so hard to try to do when you're thinking and analyzing something all day, every day.

I've gotten the 'improve me for myself' idea down. I've realized that I need to be happy with myself and my accomplishments, as well as desireable and attractive if not for her, then someone else. She did help me realize areas of my life that I want to work on, and that is a huge help.

Two other things I want to bring up. I've been trying to sync up my time on the train, lunch, etc to where I am more likely to run into her. Reason being, I want her to see me, so that I enter her mind more frequently. I've been able to handle running into her at parties, and I'm willing to handle some discomfort for some good. Anyways, I would probably run into her barely once a week doing this, but I fear that 'out of sight, out of mind', would lessen chances of us ever getting back together, and random bumping into each other occurances would be good to keep me familiar.

The second is that, after our big talk where she said she was moving on, awhile back I remembered she wanted me to take her skiing and teach her. I asked her again if she still wanted to do that, and she said yes, she did. While I can't 'be friends' with her, I'm thinking if she is still willing for me to take her skiing, that might be a very good experience.. of course it would hurt for me, but it would be a day that would bring us a lot closer together and remind her of what we have/could have.

Aside from handling it myself which is something I will have to decide, do you think these two opportunities would help towards their goals? If she is going to want me back, I feel the need to continually remind her of what she is missing without 'being friends' or going overboard. If she ever is single again, we can begin a friendship or explore the idea of dating again from a familiar standpoint.

Thoughts?

[moonriverlove]

I read all ur post. I think u r a very thoughtful person. Ur girl is lucky.
I am not an expert on this. But I think you should give her and yourself time, don't contact each other much during this period, dont hurt each other by examining &arguing about the relationship. You guys need to move on with your life, live a separate life, grow as a person separately, then if you guys can ever get back again, you will realize the no contact period is the best investment you ever have in ur relationship.

[JMR]

Thank you for that Moonriverlove.. yesterday was a pretty bad day but I brought it upon myself.. It is so, so hard to give myself the space I need.. I think about her all day long and its difficult to make that shift for myself, but I'm taking those steps. Patience.. patience.

[moonriverlove]

I am going through the same thing, JMR. I understand your pain. It was really tough but it will make you grow. I think you can use some strategy trying to get back but dont rely too much on that. It can be risky and backfire your pain if the strategy doesnt work out

[Cbrider]

JMR, thats not a fun spot to be in, but you are in the best possible position you can have honestly.

As funny as its sounds, you have the upper hand in this all. You we're clear and set down boundaries for yourself and stuck to them. You never caved and showed that you respect yourself and wont be yanked around in any way shape or form.

She thinks about you a lot, she misses you and wants you back somewhere inside. For whatever reasons, she is not willing to come back and you need to understand that. you have done everything correctly and are absolutely 100% in control. You can't control what she does or how she feels, but you put up a strong front for yourself which is driving her crazy. Theres not a day that goes by that she doesn't think about you, but she isn't willing to act.

What you need to do is keep doing what you are doing, don't cave in for any reason. Your justified in everything you have done and have executed perfectly. It still burns inside, you still think about her and wish you could make things work, I have been there. Time WILL heal this, unfortunately there is no magic number for when it will happen.

It took me five months to finally let go completely and move on. I was miserable for a long time, but mostly by my doing. I wasn't as strong as you, I caved, I let her mess with me. My heart is my weak point and I left it wide open. What I learned from it all is that all you can do is channel your emotions into something positive. Improve on those things that she thought were weak about you, not for her, but for YOU. My ex thought it was pretty silly how dependent I was on my mom and she was right. I was 21 years old and my mother was ordering my books for me for college....yes, it was pathetic. I took what she said and became proactive about it. I drew a line between being a teenager and being an adult then step over it to being an adult. I sat down with my parents and explained that I didn't want anything material from them anymore, that I needed to do this all on my own or I would never grow up.

It was kind of hard to basically tell my parents to step away, but they understood why I was asking and agreed with me. I pay for everything I own now minus the family plan cell phone bill. I have no financial ties to anyone outside of a co-signature on a loan i got for my bike and it feels amazing. I live my own life, make my own choices and do what I want to do. On top of that I carried on with the exercising and healthy eating my ex got me into and I am in the best shape of my life. I am bigger, faster and stronger than I have ever been, even in my peak playing soccer. Theres so much sugar in soda that I can only have one anymore because my body isn't use to the sugar and it makes me feel shitty. Sounds funny but its a good feeling when I throw away half of one because I can't drink it.

I did all of this for me and I can thank my ex for turning me onto it. She indirectly made me more attractive to other girls which is a positive thought.

[IndiReloaded]

You get one kick at the can, JMR. Don't waste your life waiting for someone who may never come around. That's not to say you will ever completely forget her, or stop loving her, but you can't put your life on hold for someone else's leisure.

Do things you enjoy. Learn, meet new ppl and yes, date. All these experiences will help you grow as a person and will make you that much more able to give to whatever partner you eventually choose. Whoever that might be.

Short version: think ANY girl would want to date a guy who is "on hold" for some fantasy chick who may, or may not, be interested in him? I know you aren't, but "stalker" or "creep" comes to mind.

[elizabeth101]

I can not tell when exactly me and my ex ended our relationship, it was very hard for me to accept the breakup. we caome up to so much plan of saying we just needed time apart, specially him. He could not even make up his mind on what exactly he wants. I know that we love each other so much. That is why it was too hard to be apart. WE have been friends for more than a year and went steady for 1 yr and ten months, more than a year of living together. that was the painful part, I cant forget him. Now i decided to follow what everbody is telling me. to avoid all the possible contact. they said you have to mame a room for them to miss you. so the first thing you need to do is not to contact them in any way. I do have a lot of hopes for us. I need to do things for myself right now. And what keeps me ging is just the hope that I am finally much better( i dont deny I had quite a few mistakes when we were together) and for not having seen him for quite sometime made me realize all those mishaps andfor sure he will. It is only the day that I will finally meet him when I am ready. I had all the plans of seeing him again when I don't feel any pain, nor hurt. I am excited that, that day will come for us to see each other again. This is what fate and destiny means to me.i know we all don't ever want to loose someone we love. but I guess this is the only way to know if that is for better or for good. I am not giving up on whatever we had. Yes it will be sad to know that he just wanted me to be solely his friends an nothing more. But I still believe love is sweeter the second time around. you are not the only one who is hoping. Me TOO!!!!

[JMR]

Glad to hear I'm not the only one Elizabeth

Dating.. its interesting yet a hard thought to swallow.. I think it would intrigue me and freak me out at the same time. The last thing I would want to do is get into a new relationship that I really didn't want. Funny, most people rebound or go through dating many people, I've never done that. But still, its a good idea I think..

[elizabeth101]

nice to hear from you, i am still in a dilemmaif I should keep in touch with him or not, today he sent me an email.saying hope all is well and that i should take care of myself. some part of me wanted to reply and tell him the good news bout what is happening with me, however other part of me said i should not contact him at all and wait till im ready to see him and see if we have still chance. there are some advise that we have to completely avoid contacting our exes so they will miss us(maybe yes maybe no) however some said that we should not cut the line of communication, be nice and keep the words flowing. which is the best thing to do i dont know. what you think?

[JMR]

Heh, if I knew the perfect answer to that I'd feel much better! Here I am, trying not to have communication but dying to talk with her every day.. it’s not easy. But there are reasons.

I think though, that there has to be reason for keeping distance. You don't just do it to make someone "miss you", even though that’s definitely a part of it. You first have to get down to the core of why you broke up, which can be hard to do. My ex and I had a couple talks, where it was really hard to get down to why we broke up, and what was holding back the relationship from working... this is really hard especially when you both still have feelings for each other in some sort of way.

But, once you get down to the real reasons why you broke up, you have some options. If you broke up over a real incompatibility such as lifestyle differences, different agendas, different beliefs, etc.. stuff that cannot change, then no matter how much you care for each other, you have to realize you cannot be together if you are both unwilling to make those changes, and many times its unhealthy for you to do so (for example if you were Muslim and he was Catholic and you wouldn't marry anyone who wasn't Muslim, there you have an incompatibility that you really shouldn't change, even if you both cared very deeply about each other). If those incompatibilities exist, it really is paramount to let go and move on.

If there are no major incompatibilities, then there could be a chance for reconciliation I think. However there are plenty of things that make a relationship complex, and some can be worked through, and some can really kill a relationship. You have to really do some examining here and be honest with yourself.

With my first girlfriend, while we both cared for each other, we had major incompatibilities. I didn't really realize this until I was older and knew myself better. My last girlfriend, who I am still very much in love with, was much different. We didn't have any incompatibilities. We had the same agendas, we had the same lifestyles. Excellent chemistry, loads of fun together, very mature and thoughtful approach to our relationship. The demise came from her being a few years older than me, and while we share and have everything together, I am a few steps behind her in areas that she really needs connection in. Once I realized the reasons for us breaking up were related to things that CAN and WILL change, I took action. I took 12 weeks to consider my feelings for her, and concluded that I did deeply love her, wanted her, and would completely commit myself to her if I could (she started dating someone when I told her all this). That was the first step. I had to be completely clear to myself and to her on how I felt. I then examined what needed to change, and whether it was important to me, and if it was beneficial to me and not just for her (the answer to this was yes as well). Once I got to those two conclusions, I took my space away from her, for these reasons: First so I can focus on myself and become a better person, for her or for someone else in my future, and second to take away the pain and hurt of losing her, which was and still is extremely difficult to bear. I only have one plan – to continue to pursue what I value and be the man I want to be. She has helped me realize much of this, and that I thank her deeply for. She has no idea what a positive effect she has had on my life. I will keep my distance, but also keep in touch occasionally.. the idea isn’t to eradicate someone from your life, just have healthy distance for a reason. If she is single again, I’ll wait for her to tell me so. As time goes by, the pain of an old relationship and its faults goes away, and I’m sure she’ll wonder if things have changed, and if there is a possibility there again. Until then, I have to be ready.. and if it doesn’t happen, I’ll be ready for someone else. This may sound put together, but it’s rough. Very rough. There is nothing like the pain of losing someone you love. Your world drops out from underneath you. But, even though relationships are complicated, I think rational thought and an honest examination of yourself will always yield the best results, whatever they may be. I hope this helps.