weird situation

[ycontrol]

i've been with my bf for just over a year and we've lived together since january. we spend all our time together and i love it - he's my best friend, and has been for the past 6 years. our relationship would be pretty much perfect apart from of the lack of affection i get.

he used to kiss and hug me all the time for the first 2-3 months. because he suddenly stopped doing it, we argued over it majorly although nothing has changed. we haven't even said we love each other. on my part it's because i'm scared - i don't want to approach him about it (again) because i know nothing will change. i'm also scared of rejection, because given the outcome of last time i approached him, i'm not optimistic.

i love him more than any other guy i've ever been with and he's previously told me he thinks we're soulmates. i agree, but all this relationship feels like is 'friends with benefits' - we still have sex regularly, but other than that, you wouldn't be able to tell we're boyfriend and girlfriend. subsequently, i get pretty jealous, especially when he calls every other woman he meets (i.e. in the supermarket, at work etc) 'darling'. he's never called me this, ever, and it gets me down. when we were friends before he was the same with me, and i know he's a massive flirt. it's beginning to make me hate being his girlfriend because i know if i wasn't, i'd get more attention.

it's really getting me down and makes me feel so inadequate. i'm a sensitive person with previous issues (which i won't bore you with!), and long story short, i'm on antidepressants because otherwise i can't deal with being with him without being constantly down. i know when i'm upset, he's upset too, but i just cant talk to him.

please help! any input would be great, i'm really at a loss with this. i love him so much and i really do want to try make this work. he doesn't know there's a problem, and i really want to work it out but how can i approach someone who's so cold?

[girl68]

you're working, he isn't. in my experience that's a recipe for failure.

and for over a year and living together you can't say I love you? yikes...

[flea]

DEMAND his attention!

plan a 'special' night that he won't forget with a bit of dinner, followed by all kinds of sexy fun (I could give you ideas, but I'm sure your imagination will suffice), preferably with you taking on a more controlling role, so that his mind isn't able to wander. nothing too full-on too quick, tease him a little and make him remember why he chose you in the first place.


we love that shit!

[Franklin]

This does not sound good. You are trying to keep this relationship, but he is not trying. I think it is best that you move on. He would rather give another woman attention than you(no offense). That is a huge problem. No other woman should get his attention more than you.

[bloodtippedrose]

Your issue is not unique. I want to give you advice but Im so hung up over you taking anti depressants "because otherwise i can't deal with being with him"

FU(K!! Isnt it wrong when you have to take a pill to be AROUND someone?!?!!

Second Im so irritated that people pop pills, drink and need cigarettes instead of dealing with their emotions like the rest of us. Stop labeling yourself and making excuses. Youre not depressed. Take a psychology lesson, just one, and youll learn that everything is IN YOUR HEAD thus can be altered much easier than trying to alter others.

[kms]

^ I have to disagree slightly. Feeling down and depressed is our body's way of signaling that something is wrong. Taking pills without attempting to explore the cause of the depression is like putting a bandaid over a bullet wound. It'll keep bleeding and the damage will keep getting worse. You just may not notice it for a while. Unfortunately, many doctors happily prescribe pills without prescribing therapy at the same time - you shouldn't be on head meds without seeing a therapist so that you can get OFF of them.

However, in your case (ycontrol), it sounds like you do know the source of your depression. Being with someone who causes you so much anxiety and brings you down so much isn't healthy... and it isn't a good relationship. You deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you... that really isn't too much to ask, I would think! You said yourself that you knew early on that he was a big flirt - so likely he'll treat any girlfriend this way, so don't blame yourself for it. Just go find someone who will care about you and reciprocate your feelings.

[Cassy]

Hugs and Kisses aren't always gestures to show love but something more is necessary and it is better that you should try to find those instincts within your partner.

[mountainhopper]

Well I think alot of your 'feeling down' around him stems from suppressing your desire to tell him you love him. Keeping emotions and inadequacies to yourself only adds to the cold condition between the two of you.

Don't use previous issues as a crutch for your feelings; accept them and move on because that is all you can do.

Don't spill your heart out all at once (it sounds like you have been storing up thoughts and feelings for awhile) but over the course of the next couple of weeks start to say exactly what you feel you need to say.

If love is not reciprocated then move on because someone out there will love you.

[JEBUSMADMAN]

Tell him if you don't treat me like your lady, then I'm not getting an satisfication in this relationship and we should go our seperate ways if you can't treat me the way I want to be treated. Why settle for less?