Unexpected developements in relationship/breakup...

[Spitfire01]

Hello. I would like to ask about peoples opinion about my situation, which yesterday took a somewhat unexpected turn.

I've been living abroad to be with my gf for about 2 years now. We've had many ups and downs, but I've never really felt happy. Over all this time I've been craving for other things, and this craving has had its coming and going as well. Things I've been craving for include moving back to my country to be with family and friends again and being able to get a better (paid) job back home instead of this lousy rewarding one here. Apart from that I wanted more freedom, to do what I want and whenever I want, to travel with friends or alone, basically to enjoy life which I feel I haven't ever really done.

Additionaly, several things about her were putting me off. I always found her not very independent, I felt we couldnt talk very well, I felt smothered by her need to always be with someone (i.e. me). Last but not least ofcourse there is the ever returning hot iron of the marriage and kids. We had several huge arguments about this, since she always stated she wanted to marry, rather sooner than later. I always replied I'm not ready for that which she never understood. Furthermore she expressed a wish to have kids within 5 years.

Now 2 days ago when I came home in the evening she was crying, she was sad and she was saying it's no use to go on, that I didnt want to marry etc etc. She said she wanted me to move out. As I said before, it's not the first time this happened. The difference now is that for several months, I've been seriously considering just leaving, taking my bags and never looking back. Somehow this felt as an opportunity for me to leave, and minimalizing the pain it would cause her. I've been saying so clearly to myself I want to get out, so why not now? However I've always been scared to do it, since the few times we came to a breaking point and she threatened with suicide.

To get to my point, yesterday I came home and I went to her in bed. She was crying. I went to lie next to her, and I started crying. The mere thought of leaving her made me sad, which was augmented by seeing her crying. Then we started talking about it. I told her that we shouldnt be together anymore, that she wouldnt be able to fulfill her dreams with me (i.e. marriage + kids) and there's no point in going on. She got really sad and eventually asked when I was moving out then. I think she didnt really mean that because after a while I actually started packing some stuff making ready to leave.

However, she blocked the way out and didnt let me go. Note that at no point she became the hysterical crazy person she was in previous huge situations we had like this. Until now I didnt mention any of my wishes or why i really wanted to leave. Ofcourse what I said earlier was also true, but probably it was kind of a 'cowardly' or less aggressive approach. Then at a certain moment I just let it all out and said everything that's been on my mind for these 2 years. Remarkably, she took it quite well. I'm aware at this stage bargaining is very common, but somehow it didn't really sound like that.

Then we came to the conclusion that about many things we were misunderstanding eachother, e.g. about smothering eachother and being together every day since we moved in together. I stated what I would want from a relationship, the things I described above. And she took it all well. She said she would want to move with me to my country, that marriage wasnt really THAT important and she could live without it, that it would be no problem if i wanted to take vacations without her, etc ...

So now I'm undecided again, but somewhat different. DO i give it another chance? I don't know if she was telling the truth, but what if? On one side if all the things I want from a relationship, she seems ok with ... but on the other side, I was already mentally over the threshold to leave, will it be possible for me to actually dedicate myself again to it. I mean, maybe if despite all those new developements I still don't want to be with her ...

[IncognitoSir]

First thing you do is get back home....ASAP! Once you get around your friends and family a lot of your thought will become a lot more clear to you. She's totally clouding your judgment because she's all you've got right now. See if she still feels the same once you start moving back home, hanging out with your friends, traveling without her, etc. Even if it doesn't workout, at least you'll be home and at a better job, surrounded by loved ones.

[lahnnabell]

She's bargaining hardcore. She just changed her ENTIRE life plan so that she wouldn't have to deal with being alone. And my guess is that her previous suggestion to break up was a sad attempt at a guilt trip. She hoping to inspire you to change when you saw how sad she was that you hadn't married her or impregnated her yet.

Leave, go home, and don't take her with you.

[RdHrshyKss]

totally agree with lahnnabell. this girl is afraid of being alone and was saying whatever she thought you wanted to hear to get you to stay with her. you will never be able to find happiness with someone who doesn't even know how to be happy on their own. tell her you really need the space right now to figure things out and she should use the time to figure herself out.

[Spitfire01]

Well it's been a few days now. We've been spending the weekend together and somehow I don't feel like anything has changed. Sure, now I should be able to talk more openly, I know that certain topics are less taboo as they once were (going back home, marriage, ...). But I still have that craving to go home, to be alone, to be with friends, to do what I want.

I know she 'said' that I could have that freedom in our relationship, but the prospect of going with her to my country doesn't seem as appeasing as it once was. Certain aspects of our relationship, of her, I do appreciate. About many things we share the same opinion. Despite all that I still have that feeling to leave though.

Now the question is, is this feeling what I should follow? Should I just leave now without thinking too much about it? Or should I really reconsider my further plans?

I thought that being able to speak freely would remove (some) doubt, but for now it only seems to create more ...

[RdHrshyKss]

sounds to me like you just aren't feeling this relationship anymore. you should really consider following your instinct, moving back home to be with family, friends, etc. and then see how you feel after a couple of weeks alone. just be prepared for your gf to try to beg you to stay again. stand your ground and go home. who knows, maybe being alone for awhile might make you realize that you want to be with her? although, i'm sort of doubting it. you won't know for sure until you try though...

[angel2002]

You dont love this woman anymore, if you loved her, u wouldnt think bout leaving, even tough your situation is bad there.
Just leave already. Good luck

[Raze]

totally agree with lahnnabell. this girl is afraid of being alone and was saying whatever she thought you wanted to hear to get you to stay with her. you will never be able to find happiness with someone who doesn't even know how to be happy on their own. tell her you really need the space right now to figure things out and she should use the time to figure herself out.

To add to this, being alone is hard for people. It is a struggle for everyone.

[RdHrshyKss]

To add to this, being alone is hard for people. It is a struggle for everyone.

totally, even i struggle with it. i don't know how i would handle my bf leaving me...it would be EXTREMELY hard. but i'd have to be honest...it might suck horribly at first, but in the long run it would be the right choice. your gf won't be happy pretending to be what she isn't just to get you to stay...so you staying = neither of you being happy.

[Raze]

totally, even i struggle with it. i don't know how i would handle my bf leaving me...it would be EXTREMELY hard. but i'd have to be honest...it might suck horribly at first, but in the long run it would be the right choice. your gf won't be happy pretending to be what she isn't just to get you to stay...so you staying = neither of you being happy.

I didn't know that you were single.

Edit: Not in the mean way, in the fact that I think it's cool that you're single because I'm kind of hitting on you. lol.

[ispoky]

Thank you for the tender words

[RdHrshyKss]

I didn't know that you were single.

Edit: Not in the mean way, in the fact that I think it's cool that you're single because I'm kind of hitting on you. lol.

lol, i'm actually not single. i was just saying that IF my bf were to leave me, i'd be pretty shaken up about it and it would be tough. i was trying to point out the reasoning i would go through in order to try to move on. but thanks for the compliment .

i have been single in the past and it was always difficult for me to find happiness being alone...i'd always notice the couples around me and would envy that i didn't have what they had. but in the end, after i had some time to reflect, i'd realize that being single gave me the ability to go out and look for someone i'd be more compatible with....no sense in trying to force a relationship to be something it just isn't, just move on and look for something better.