Not taking her feelings seriously.... or not?

[foxbat77]

Hello Everyone,
Here is my situation. I need some un-biased opinions on what's going on. My girlfriend and I have been having some major problems lately. Basically It comes down to, that she thinks that I don't take her feelings into consideration when I do stuff. I believe she has very low self-esteem, But she blames her self-esteem on me. At the very begining of our relationship, we weren't living together, and were probably together for about 3 months time. I only got to see her on the weekend. I admitted to her that I had watched some porn during a week, and ever since then she's been doubting me every step we take. I have promised to her and have not watched any porn since.

We now live together, but during our remaining time together, she has doubted me in ways, for example, I have expressed interest to her to return to college and take some courses. She says she wouldn't feel comfortable with me going, as she things I would be picking up women or looking at all the college girls. I wanted to go out as a family to beach (she has a 3 year old daughter that I treat as my own), but she didn't want to go because "I'd be looking at all the women it bikini's". I'm a self proclaimed Geek, meaning I like sci-fi movies and video games. I can no longer watch any PG-13 and up movies, withouth turning my head whenever a scantally clad women appears on screen, or withouth her screening the movie first so she can skip over the part. The latests squabble we had, was about a video game. The Sims 2 (thesims2.ea.com), where you can control a family living in a household. In this game, you can feed them, create "relationships" with other little sims, get them a job and so on. The biggest problem she has with the game, is that you can control what they wear. When a "Sim" wakes up in the morning, you have to do certain things before they go to work. I have been playing it to get things done as quickly as possible, which means when they wake up, they are in their underwear. I then go straight to doing things, such as getting them fed or fullfilling their needs. My Girlfriend says that she is upset (by calling me an inconsiderate spineless A-hole), because I know that part of the game bothers her, and that I'm not thinking about my girlfriends needs or respecting her needs, and that I should wake them up, get them dressed and then go about fullfiling the sims needs. This would take more time as time in The Sims passes very fast and one doesn't have much time to get things done. She hads video games and the premessis that they are based upon. I am not addicted to games, and whenever I am around her, I don't play the games. And she hates movies and thinks their a waste of time. I'm wondering if I'm really such an inconsiderate A-hole like she says, Or does the root of the issues, lay within the fact that she has low self-esteem that was there before she met me. We have broken up before, for about a month, (while still living together). I wanted her back, and felt I didn't treat her correctly, and she didn't treat me correctly. It doesn't seem like she can be a lover AND a friend. When we got back together, I told her that I could meet her needs (by not playing video games and watching movies) and make her happy. Remember, I'm a geek and these are the things I love to do, my hobbies/pastimes.

Was I wrong in telling her that I could make her happy? It's not like I do any of this on purpose. It's not like I'm going out to the bar with friends every weekend. I don't drink or do drugs. I was always taught that happiness comes from within oneself and that you shouldn't rely on others making you happy. She says that partners should be able to make each other happy by doing whatever it takes. She also asked me, If happiness is sapose to come from within one's self, then why should she had to have broken up with her ex-husband (of twice her age) that was mentally abusive and starting to get physically abusive. Meaning that happyness in onesself isn't the only factor, which I believe. She can not self reflect. I feel that she blames me for this relationship and where it's at now. If I ask her, if there has been anything that she has brought into the relationship that affects where we are now, she says she can't think of anything. What am I to do? I'm a pisces and she's a leo, which is asking for trouble, if you believe in that sort of thing. I'm so dazed and confused right now. Any input would be appreciated.

[blue]

the problem does not lie within you the prolem lies within her and yes she is very insecure either that or feeling guilty of something (i doubt that) but none the less. i think that she needs to find some help...sometimes when you are in an abbusive realtionship it shakes you so much that you get lost in allthe bitterness of it all and you go around with a big chip on your shoulder. She needs to stop freking out on you about stupid shit i mean r u suppose to look down at the ground everytime a girl passes by( jeez my ex hubby used to do that to me it sucked) he was very insecure and had bully syyndrome he would talk down at me convince me that i was totally screwed up just to make himself feel good. it was horrible! you cannot go on living this way and you need to let her know that you will not live like this anymore!

[blue]

im a scorpio

[KirstyM]

Yeah...the problem isnt with you or your actions, its her insecurity, and she needs to sort that out, it's just going to continue to mess up her life and relationships until she does. Just support her as she tries to overcome it.

[kanzaki]

i smell insecurity....hmmm....

im a leo

[foxbat77]

These are some other things that you should consider to. I don't want to cast her in a negative light, so I'll give you some background on her AND myself.

Her:
Father left when she was young.
Was a victom of major mental abuse by her mother (ie. your not good enough, you don't deserve to live, etc.)

Me:
Parents were very alloof. Barely any communication at all.
Was brought up with a father that didn't see anything wrong with letting teenagers watching porn (he took my siblings out to a porn theatre when they were teenagers).
Father was very aloof and didn't take part in my growing up much, not talking to me, etc. I think it's because he was scared of me growing up and not knowing what to do. (he's a good father and always wanted the best for me though)
My fathers side of the family is the quiet type. My mothers is the emotional side.
I was lying to my girlfriend at first. Out of the fear of rejection, and she scares me sometimes (she's a leo with claws), but now i'm being totally honest with her.
I too can be aloof sometimes and "shut her out" when I feel cornered.
I can and do sometimes say one thing and do another. such as I said I wouldn't watch any TV, but came home one night, and I was watching a Sci-Fi show. (This is after we had a fight and she told me she "didn't give a Fk anymore about any of that crap"


I'll probably ad more to this, but this should give a bigger picture....

[kronos51]

Well, I understand that you dont want to blame her for everything, and that she has reasons to feel like she does. However, her demands are simply unreasonable. Even if she is very insecure and you dont want to make things worse on her, but she's taking everything out on you and you have done nothing. I mean seriously, she cant handle you playing video games or watching TV? Hell, I send good porn sites *to* my girlfriend and she does to me . But dont let her take her insecurities out on you by making you feel worthless (this is pretty textbook psychological to me, she's taking out on you what was taken out on her) or making you feel like you are in the wrong.

Just try to talk to her and let her know that you care for her but that she is treating you badly (because she is). Hopefully you will be able to take it from there and see what needs to be done, cuz none of us know the full situation or can fully help you out.

Good luck

[foxbat77]

We have tried talking about it, for the last year atleast. Nothing ever gets resolved. She wants to pre-screen movies as she thinks that I get aroused by the images that I see, when that's not the case. (I've told her this).

The main thing that she has a problem with now, and i'm not sure if it's just me, But I told her that when everything is going well with us, that sometimes (a very small percentage of time) I think about other women (when one wanders infront of my eye... I don't activly seek out to look at women to get turned on). Probably once every month or so. My opinion is that this is biologically normal. To think sexually about others sometimes. I have told her that I AM NOT contimplating going out and sleeping with someone. There's a difference between thinking and doing. But she see's this at cheating on her, emotionally.... and the porn thing that happened so long ago... was cheating on her also.

I have tried many times to keep up her spirits and tell her how great she is and what I like about her... but it seems like we're always taking two steps forward, and 3 steps backwards

[foxbat77]

Well, she's said before.. "How can you willing do something, knowing it's going to hurt me" (In reference to the video game thing). It's not like I did this on purpose to hurt her. Am I wrong for playing the game like a gamer, or should I have said to myself. "ohh, she doesn't like this part about the game, so I should get them dressed." or would this be subcoming to her own "self-issues"?

It's too late about keeping my thoughts about the opposite sex to myself. She has a tendency to ask A LOT of questions. And I made a promise to her and myself not to lie to her. (I've seen posts elsewhere, where men are making it obvious to their SO about seeing someone attractive, this is something that I would never do)

Basically whenever we talk, it's always about what I did wrong or how I don't take her feelings seriously. I try to tell her that it takes TWO to make and break a relationship. She can't seem to self-reflect upon anything that she brings to the relationship.

>How do you have a talk with an alchoholic when they think that they don't drink>
(that's just a hypothetical question)

She gave me an ultimatum, or that's how I took it, last night. She wants to know if I can take her feelings into consideration, meet her needs (as in, not do that sort of thing with the video game) and make her happy. She says "I don't want you to waste any more, or my daughter's time with this mind games that you are playing, and I want an answer now"

Dazed.. and confused.

[misombra]

i'm a piscean. you don't deserve that. pisceans may be a little freaky but that kind of relationship is one that is controlling and almost emotionally abusive. if she doesn't like what you do then she should accept it or leave or compromise. you sound like a nice guy, so good luck.

[kronos51]

Well, you seem like you know exactly whats going on. You know that youre not doing anything wrong, and I dont think that its right for you to have to give up utterly harmless hobbies and passtimes for her. You pegged it with the alcoholic analogy. She has problems she needs to realize, and you shouldnt keep taking the blame for it.

If it were me, I would probably just waffle and feel like shit, and never do anything about it. But since it isnt me, I can say that you should just give her time to deal with her issues on her own, and right now she is not ready for a relationship of any kind (this is of course all my own opinion, and I probably dont know everything about how you feel for her and what you have had together)

[foxbat77]

This situation probably wouldn't be so hard. She has a daughter from a previous marriage, that I treat and think of as my own.

Do any of you think, that it is "normal" to think sexual thoughts about a member of the opposite sex (or same sex), while in a loving relationship when your happy with the other partner? I'm not saying I do this all the time, probably about once a month. And it's not like I go out of my way to look at other women. My GF thinks that this isn't "normal" and that if two people are happy with each other, they wouldn't need to think about other people in a sexual way.

Have I cheated on her with watching porn so long ago? Do I cheat on her whenever I think about another woman sexually? Or his this a biological wiring that I have in my head? ie.. is it "normal"?

[blue]

it is toatlly normal to think aout the oposite sex it does not mean that you are being un faithful i mean you can look just dont touch, watching porn is not cheating. its very normal.

[misombra]

the famous quote..."i'm married, not dead"

it is totally normal to think about people of the opposite sex when in a serious relationship. it's not like crushes are gonna go away once you're in a relationship. that doesn't mean that you're going to act on them it just means you're human! i always talk to my boyfriend about how i think johnny depp or tom cruise is hot, he doesn't care, he tells me all about cate blanchett all the time! it doesn't matter. we trust each other and we don't deny each other our desires. your girlfriend has problems and like someone before me said, she's punishing you for them. her expectations are unrealistic.

[kronos51]

Yep yep. Like i said, my gf and I compare porn occasionally It used to bother her a bit but I just reassured her that I didnt need porn and didnt choose it over her, it just helps sometimes when shes not around . It is perfectly natural to have biological attraction to other people, it is a tribute to the power of love that those attractions mean nothing.