venting....

[alidile]

so.
i've been watching hbo all night, in particular "tell me you love me" and i guess that's really not relevant but i've been thinking all day and i'm really done with this. i mean, i've never been one for much interest in life but i realized something and i can't admit it to anyone i actually know who i ever see face to face.
i've just been this big tough person for so long and so crazy and so paranoid about everything i mean i have this total facade which some of my friends know about but they don't know what i really want.
i really want the whole conventional situation even if without the conventions. i don't want to get married but i want to go home to someone or have them come home to me and spend the night even just doing our own thing but in each others presence. and i want kids, not my own but i do. and i want a cat and i want a garden and to make dinners, and all that other crap. i'm not talking about being some stay at home mom or some couple that doesn't ever go out and party it up and is never alone. not at all i KNOW i could never do that. but i do want something.
fact is i'm not getting it and i'm really really really young but i know the kinda person i am and i know the kinda people i like and i'm not going to get what i want until i'm at least forty anyways.
so i'm signing off the love game for the time being. i'm just cutting myself off of it to be safer, unless there's some saving grace i'm going to make myself colder i guess because it's safer? i don't really know.
all that i do is have meaningless sex in that it's always one ended. it's been me liking 2 people and god knows if it's being returned and in all the other cases people who don't leave me alone afterwards and a bunch of mess that i've caused for them as well.
it's sad cos one of the only things i'm good at is f*cking. i mean i could make a career out of it, not that i want to even remotely but i mean, i just don't feel like there's anything else anyways, i mean the only point of life is to love really. not just relationship wise but everywhere to live and breathe it and i never satisfy that.
sorry for this LONG vent folk. i could continue but i think it's pointless at this time.

[Mish]

Alidile, for crying out laud. You're a 20 year old girl. You're way too young to worry about these things.

Just have a good time, build up your experience, go through a couple of relationships. Then 10 years in the future (When most women at that age start thinking about and are ready to have a family) come and see me if you're still confused about all this.

[alidile]

i know i'm only 20, that's not it, it's that i know the kinda person i am and really i'm bitter about something, i don't know what but it's like i'm pissed off about something that hasn't happened, and i can't deal with not getting what i want, so i'm just screwing off on the entire thing. i don't want to have to deal with more relationships, it's too much stress when i can just not put up w/ it at all. it's not even just a relationship thing it's everything, i have a tendency of withdrawing from anything i don't feel like putting up with and i'm jsut going to get out of this situation. i mean, i don't have relationships w/ people i like and if i do they screw up because well they are usually an equal and we are both assholes who don't trust anyone. basically i'd just be doing people a favour... i'm not saying i won't ever stumble into anything in the next 100 years (God-forbid), but i'm talking about avoiding those situations.

[vashti]

I think you are bitter because you are not treating yourself like a valuable commodity, and therefore people aren't treating you like you are. Maybe you should try taking yourself a little more seriously for a while and see if you don't feel better?

[alidile]

valuable commodity? i don't feel i think i'm stupid or anything like that. and i usually don't make time for other people and some people read that as i think i'm better then them even though that's not the case. can you elaborate?

[DoesntMatter]

it's sad cos one of the only things i'm good at is f*cking. i mean i could make a career out of it

Are you an ambitious girl alidile?

[vashti]

I was referring to your settling for FWB when what you WANT is a relationship, and the fact that you think the thing that makes you most desireable is that you think you f*ck well. Don't you want to be valued for more than that?

I bet you are a lovely girl. I bet you could have what you want if you would just quit settling.

[alidile]

an ambitious girl? is that a crack? haha.
um, i dunno, i want what i want and if i want it i usually get it so in that sense yes, but i don't want a lot, not at all. i don't have many ambitions for life if that's what you're asking. i'm a worst case scenario person, and i don't care about too much, cos i've realized that everything is outta my control and i don't like that. so i just keep to myself about stuff... i'm writing right now, i want to be a writer but i know i won't be big even if i feel like i will so i have to stay in school even though i don't like that either.
i have an exam in the morning but i don't care about that class so it's like i just haven't studied for it.
am i an ambitious girl? no clue

[alidile]

now that i'm in this situation how am i supposed to quit settling. i'm down to one solution. to say that i'm done having meaningless sex so we can't have sex anymore because that's all it is. and just being honest and saying i do want the whole 9 yards which i kept denying to him and everyone else in the world which is what he's told me he wants, he just hasn't found anyone for it since the last girl he was seeing left him and never said why. anyways, just tell him i'm done with the meaningless stuff because i want something more and i'm sure he deserves better than just f*cking around too. i'm thinking that will get him to own up to some feelings because i'm not going to.
but this isn't just about that... it's a realization on a whole that this stuff isn't working.

[DoesntMatter]

an ambitious girl? is that a crack? haha.


cos i've realized that everything is outta my control and i don't like that.

I was just making a joke cause you have your feathers in a ruffle right now

Not everything is out of your control. With a lot of hard work you can bring things into your control. Any while they won't be 100% in your control, instead of say 10% in your control maybe now 90% in your control

Geeze, so much sex that you want to cut back? You ruined my ****ing evening

But seriously, based on your posts I would disagree that sex is your best asset unless you're like Aphrodite or something. Your posts have much more depth than the unflattering way you describe yourself. Even by stepping back and examining yourself you prove to be less shallow or whatever it is you are afraid of than many other girls

[alidile]

so if the contorl i wanted was to get this guy to say how he feels about me without asking or implying anything how would i go about doing that?

i'm sorry i ruined your evening. you'd be surprised sex is a lot of fun or can be or whatever the case may be but it's not anything special. for me it's like having a favourite food at a certain point. seriously, i'd much rather have many other things than the best sex

[IndiReloaded]

Your posts have much more depth than the unflattering way you describe yourself.

I agree.

A writer? Post some of your stuff here if you like.

[alidile]

haha... i'm embarressed i've never shown anyone any of my writing... where would i post it? and i have this idea for my first novel like i'm really serious about it all through highschool and university so far i've been told i should write but i wanna do like hunter s thompson david sedaris elizabeth wurtzel stuff. the event just hasn't yet happened so i haven't done it yet... where would i post that anyways.
thanks for the compliment guys and to all for reading all this stuff, it really helps me to take some stress off of my headcase.
i work with buddy boy tomorrow, we'll see how that goes. i unblocked him last night at 2 am and he started talking to me right away on msn asking what was up telling me he was horny and i tried to change the subject asked if he made any progress sorting stuff out with his crazy ex and he told me he didn't care about her anymore and that he was better for the wear.. it was just a really awkward convo. but work, we'll see how that goes.

[DoesntMatter]

where would i post it?

Post it in the off-topic discussion area

[Gigabitch]

i'm down to one solution. to say that i'm done having meaningless sex so we can't have sex anymore because that's all it is.

LIAR. It's not meaningless to you and you suspect it might not be meaningless to him. Take a ****ing risk, why don't you, and tell him the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

You have absolutely nothing to lose because believe me, separating yourself from someone you care about is going to hurt a lot more than whatever mortification you're fearing. Even if it hits the wall at 100 mph, it's better than just parking on the side of the road forever, believe me.

You can't protect yourself, ali. Cutting yourself off from intimacy is not going to save you from heartbreak, you foolish girl. Jump in with both feet.

I've actually had my heart broken once and you know what? It sucked. Damn, it really did, and it still hurts, but I'm not sorry I tried. It taught me to be careful, not to be alone. I think your fears are addling your brain.