I am rude?

[iateyourcookie]

Hey all - I just got on this site and I feel the urge to write here about my recent problem.

My boyfriend for a year and 5 months called me rude. Like a rude person. And it apparently always happens when he introduces me to every one of his friends. Few hours ago we fought about this - and as a girl (I can't call myself a lady YET!) I had lots of things to say, but I let it slide. I just let him hurl insults at me, and it hurts.

Basically what I did was when he introduced, I said my name. And then I go quiet. Perhaps his friends thought I was arrogant and rude? But to me I'm just too afraid to look them in the eye and show my enthusiasm. Instead I just look on the floor, and I go all quiet. Apparently this has offended most of his friends - no, all of his friends.

I asked two of my friends about my behaviour. One said it was pretty okay, I mean, you only met the person, so of course you had a reason to be shy. One said the act was sort of showing off your arrogance. And now I want you guys' opinion.

& also, after that whole fight, he told me he didn't want to introduce me around anymore and that I embarassed him. I swallowed the most bitter pill when I said okay, since I didn't know what else to say after that. I told myself I'd change, but what could I change? My eye contact? My body language? I'm what you call an extrovert in real life. But I'm really really hurt by his words.

[kai]

You say you're an extrovert but you still acted that way? I guess your bf might be telling his friends the same thing about you. But, when you shyed away, they took it as arrogance. No one likes an arrogant gf, to be honest. I'm not saying you are, you just gave the impression.

If he liked to introduce you to his friends, then I think he was really proud of you and praised about you a lot in front of his friends. But, you didn't turn out to be like that.

[vashti]

If his friends are universally offended, then he is probably right - you are coming off as rude.

When you are introduced to people, it is appropriate to look them in the eye, smile warmly, and say "hi, nice to meet you". If they are his friends, you should add something like "it's nice to finally meet you, I've heard a lot of nice things about you".

Shy people can have good manners, so don't let that be the excuse for your behavior.

[iateyourcookie]

Well yes I was thinking of that, thank you all

And yes he was actually talking alot of me to them, but I guess I was being too 'rude'. It's just that I don't know most of his friends and how he behaves with them mostly, and if I had continued talking I would say something I really didn't mean, so I took the option of being quiet. Guess that doesn't work out, huh?

[QueenofCorona]

Are you sure your an extrovert ALL the time? Why is that you are afraid to show your enthusiam/eye contact to his friends? Nothing wrong with being shy sometimes, I am around new people but gradually come out of my shell the more time I spend around that person. It sometimes helps if you know something about them and can chat about that...like their favorite sports team or movie or whatever. Just throw something out there after the introductions, something you are comfortable talking about and it will be easy.

Just relax and try to remember that everyone is human and they want to meet you.

[iateyourcookie]

I don't know, really. Growing up, I haven't had much close friends I could confide with with such problems. I'm an only child so I learnt to keep to myself as much as possible, but when I'm with people I'm comfortable with I go out of my shell. But new people? Not so much, that's my only disadvantage.

[pixeldust]

You can be an extrovert AND be shy People often think I am rude or arrogant because I'm a very shy person, it's a difficult spot to be in, so I wish I had more advice for you. You're not alone though

[IndiReloaded]

Basically what I did was when he introduced, I said my name. And then I go quiet. Perhaps his friends thought I was arrogant and rude? But to me I'm just too afraid to look them in the eye and show my enthusiasm. Instead I just look on the floor, and I go all quiet. Apparently this has offended most of his friends - no, all of his friends.

I asked two of my friends about my behaviour. One said it was pretty okay, I mean, you only met the person, so of course you had a reason to be shy. One said the act was sort of showing off your arrogance. And now I want you guys' opinion.

A lot of information is conveyed by tone and body language, so no way to tell based just on your post. But, based on what you wrote I would not say you were being rude. Assertive, perhaps, but again it depends on the situation.

Generally, if your BF is making the introduction, he should direct his friend's attention to you and say something of the form "X... allow me to introduce my girlfriend, Cookie." After which you bow, or shake hands or whatever your culture dictates and say something like Vash suggested "Pleased to meet you/make your acquaintance, X."

Unfortunately, correct introductions is something of a diminishing form these days. So, if your BF didn't introduce you, then it is perfectly acceptable (ie. not rude) to say something like "Hi, my name is Cookie. Pleased to meet you."

[url]http://en.allexperts.com/q/Social-Etiquette-Good-2570/Introduction.htm[/url]

[Spring Haze]

I fail to see how any of your actions constitute as "arrogance." Looking down at the floor after an introduction says discomfort. Do you smile at all? Your boyfriend should've been sensitive rather than going overboard by stating he will not introduce you to anyone else. He could have been constructive in his criticism, telling you exactly what makes you seem that way, and what can be done about it. But then again, I am unaware of social norms in Singapore.

[MVPlaya]

iateyourcookie, I think I know pretty well whats going on, assuming I'm right on this one:

You're hot / attractive, right? None of the shy / low self esteem stuff, guys check you out a lot, correct?

[iateyourcookie]

IndiReloaded - actually, come to think of it, every time I meet his friend he ends up talking a whole lot to them, and after his conversation after THAT he introduces.

And yes, I do smile at them.

MVPlaya - haha I'm going to be humble but honest here - I'm not that hot but I've been somewhat told I'm attractive in a way that people take a second and third glance at me. I have been used to this in my life. And yes, I don't really find most guys checking me out a lot, but some cheeky ones do even if I have my boyfriend beside me.

[iateyourcookie]

And at pixeldust - I'm glad I'm not alone in this

[MVPlaya]

I think its this, you're not the first girl I've noticed that situation with. I know some girls they're either naturally reserved, shy, or just closed off, and guys see that as an insult, because they try to talk to you and you seem to ignore them, so in many ways you just remind them of every other girl before you whose ever refused to give them the time of the day.

You're pretty, and you ignore them, and that pisses them off, even if thats not your intent. My advice, practice eye contact, sweetheart. Not just for your BF's buddies, but because this will occur many times in life. Try this, when you're walking down the street, just hold eye contact with strangers. Thats it. Just resist the urge to look away and try to look strangers in the eye.

Believe me, you start doing that, bit by bit you won't feel shy about looking people in the eye, and they won't feel insulted because a pretty girl refused to make eye contact with them.

[iateyourcookie]

Ah, I see. Well that was what I've been doing mostly - ignoring strangers. Heh. Thank you for the advice, much appreciated.

[shheadz]

This thread makes me think of high school, and all the snotty, stuck up b!tches that wouldn't talk to anyone. The funny thing is I got to know some of those girls, and it turned out they were just shy. So I can fully understand how shyness can be confused with rudeness.

actually, come to think of it, every time I meet his friend he ends up talking a whole lot to them, and after his conversation after THAT he introduces

Maybe he's the rude one then. When my ex introduced me to her parents, we said our hellos, and nice to meet yous, and then she took off to do something with her brother. She left me standing there awkwardly around a bunch of strangers. I thought that was rude of her. Sounds like your boyfriend is doing something similar to you, and then blaming you for being rude.