Feels Hopeless!

[BrownDog52469]

I have been married 10 years. We have 2 beautiful children. From the outside our marriage is perfect; beautiful kids, great job, nice house... On the inside our marriage is hollow. There is no friendship or companionship between. I don't feel supported in anything that I do. We are not a team. We do not communicate. Don't get me wrong, I do have the commited love for her and I want to do everything I can to make things work. I am extremely lonely in my marriage and have become depressed.

I resolved a year ago to do all that I could to make our relationship work. I sought out a counselor for both my relationship concerns and my depression. She refuses to see a marriage counselor. I feel like I have done all that I can. Were do I go from here?

p.s. No abuse, infidelity or otherwise. Heck, we don;t even fight.

[ShannonMI]

I have been married 10 years. We have 2 beautiful children. From the outside our marriage is perfect; beautiful kids, great job, nice house... On the inside our marriage is hollow. There is no friendship or companionship between. I don't feel supported in anything that I do. We are not a team. We do not communicate. Don't get me wrong, I do have the commited love for her and I want to do everything I can to make things work. I am extremely lonely in my marriage and have become depressed.

I resolved a year ago to do all that I could to make our relationship work. I sought out a counselor for both my relationship concerns and my depression. She refuses to see a marriage counselor. I feel like I have done all that I can. Were do I go from here?

p.s. No abuse, infidelity or otherwise. Heck, we don;t even fight.

What does she purpose you do about the problem then, if she doesn't want to go to a marriage counselor? Does she think your marrigage is "hollow" like you feel it is? I would ask her what she wants to do about the situation. You are unhappy and things need to be resolved. You can't keep going on like this, feeling depressed and lonely. Does your wife know how you feel? I'm guessing she does, since you've suggested a marriage counselor. This is a terrible situation, but if she isn't willing to put any effort into fixing what's broken, then there really is no hope.

[BrownDog52469]

Hi Shannon,

She is aware, but yet she offers no solutions. She ignores the situation and hopes it goes away.

[ShannonMI]

Hi Shannon,

She is aware, but yet she offers no solutions. She ignores the situation and hopes it goes away.

Tell her if she doesn't go with you to a marriage counsler, then you want a divorce. Maybe if she sees how serious the situation is, she will reconsider the counseling. If the marriage is truly important to her then she will work to make it better. It stinks because there are children involved. She should really be putting effort into this marriage to make it work.

[kitkitkitty]

Tell her if she doesn't go with you to a marriage counsler, then you want a divorce. Maybe if she sees how serious the situation is, she will reconsider the counseling. If the marriage is truly important to her then she will work to make it better. It stinks because there are children involved. She should really be putting effort into this marriage to make it work.

i'd say that before you consider divorce, you should just separate for a while. the time apart will make her realise how much you do for her and how much she takes you for granted.

[SapphireBerry]

She doesn't sound like the right one for you

[Bella82]

How long have things been like this? You say that she refuses to see a marriage counselor, but I'm afraid if she doesn't start making an effort to make things better, resentment will begin to set in for you and once you get to that point, it's difficult to come back.

If you really want to make things work, insist on seeing a marriage counselor or perhaps going to a team-building workshop for couples. If she still does not want to go, how would you feel about separating for a while? It's not fair to you to be putting forth all the effort if she doesn't care enough to try to meet you halfway.

[BrownDog52469]

You are absolutely right about the resentment. I feel that I have reached a point where any effort on her part would be too little too late. I'm afraid I'm starting not to care anymore.

As far as counseling she flatly refuses. My counselor and I worked for months on strategies to get her to go, to no avail.

Giving her the ultimatum that if things don't improve by year's end then she either goes to counseling or we seperate is what my counselor is suggesting. I anticipate that nothing will change and she will still refuse counseling and more time would have been wasted. I also anticipate that a trial seperation would not work either. I believe that once seperated she would treat it like a divorce.

I do not like the idea of an ultimatum. No one likes being told what to do. I appreciate any insight. Thanks

[BrownDog52469]

Oh..things started deteriorating when we had our second child who is now six. I've worked hard to keep the intimacy in our relationship throughout this time, although this too is 'hollow'. I also make sure we have a 'date night' each week. These dates are cold and lonely. We've had what I consider serious problems for at least the last 3 years. The last year has been what I'd consider a crisis. I've been working with the counselor for almost a year now.

[Bella82]

I really commend you for trying so hard to make it work. And you are absolutely right about an ultimatum. I had a counselor about 6 years ago and one of the things he used to always tell me was, If someone ever pushes you to an ultimatum, the answer is always no. No one should be forced to do something they don't want to do. And the whole point of refusing to do something is an answer in and of itself - she doesn't choose to go to counseling.

It seems you are beginning to have a clearer picture on where this is heading. Decisions don't come easily and the worst part about the preface is being in that stage of floating, not knowing whether to stay or go. But once you make a decision, you will be able to work towards something, whatever that may be.

Best of luck

[lahnnabell]

I agree that separation is a good idea. So long as you're always putting in 200%, she sees no reason to put forth any effort herself. She must not be a very happy person if this is how she behaves every day. What happened over the last decade between you two?

[Gigabitch]

Was it ever good, even at the beginning?

[girl68]

How can she be so cold when you seem to try so hard?

She probably wants to be miss strong I don't need counselling! She knows deep down she's dead wrong and counselling ain't gonna be easy. She should know divorce isn't any easier.

[cancankant]

Actually from what I'm reading, it sounds like she is trying to force your hand to file for divorce. What makes you think that she'd treat a separation like a divorce? Has she made statements to that effect, like, "Well, if you leave me, I'll just find a boyfriend (or start dating, etc.)?"

I agree that perhaps she is trying to act "strong" as if she doesn't need counseling, but flatly refusing to even try it when the other person is receiving counseling on an individual basis just shows that she is not committed to making the relationship work. I think that you should go through with the trial separation. If she treats it like a divorce, then file as soon as possible and get on with your life. It sounds as if you are trying very hard and she is not responding to your concerns, which is troubling. Many men expect the women to make time for date night, keep romance alive, etc. It's nice that you are doing that yourself, but she should try to accommodate you if she wants the relationship to work. Hoping it will get better without doing any sort of work isn't going to cut it.

Has she expressed her dissatisfaction in the marriage to you? There has to be something she feels that you are not doing for her. As for the "cold" behavior, has she always been on the less emotional side? If not, I think she's having some personal problems with depression or something similar.

[lahnnabell]

Is she this cold toward the children?