Mathias faces reality. (Warning: Long)

[Mathias]

For those of you who don't know me, my name is Mathias, and I have a...well, interesting past. Search my previous posts to find it.

I used to be a regular poster here until my most recent relationship got going, and I was entrenched in that and 18 hours of graduate school.

Now, I'm single, and I've graduated, but I'm 24 years old, and don't know what the **** is going on.

I broke up with the girl (I've called her Rachel in past posts) last week, because she went manipulative and crazy on me. But, you see, that's not the problem. I am.

She always claimed I was perfect for her. She always claimed that this was going to last forever. She'd come home at the end of the night, and want to talk about her day, and want to be with me, but I would sit on my computer or watch TV, and ignore her. She'd want me to go to bed with her at the end of the night, but I'd always just take time to myself, and do whatever the hell I wanted until 3 in the morning.

But, that's not the story of Rachel and me. That's the story of my ex before her--the one that I dated for four years.

I always blamed her for the breakup. She was the one who moved away. She was the one who decided to start flirting with other guys. She was the one who wanted to "try" to fix the relationship, by having me come up there on my birthday. She was the one who then dumped me on my birthday. But see, in the end, I always knew the truth.

You see, folks, my name is Mathias, and I only give a shit when it's over.

I'm not a cold-hearted person. I volunteer most of my time with different organizations, I *love* kids, and in general, I'd do anything for someone I cared about if it meant making them happy. But, somewhere along the line, I lost what it meant to actually care about someone in a relationship.

Looking back, I've had some great girlfriends. I've had some women who would go to the end of the earth for me, just to see me happy. I've been with some very smart, sophisticated, and funny women. But, I only care about them when it ends.

I miss my high school girlfriend. I miss that look on her face when I came back from college the first time. I miss my 4-year ex. I miss her stupid e-mails to tell me she loved me, or to brag about something really minute that happened at her work. I miss Rachel. I miss the way she was ALWAYS there to make me feel better about things, no matter what had happened that day.

But, here I sit, at 5:46 AM, just having watched a one-night stand leave in a hurry to go to work. No, I don't care about her either right now.

But I will.

I've changed a lot about myself over the past year. I've lost 50 pounds, gotten in the best shape of my life, and finally decided that I was going to live past 50 years old. I've gotten a FANTASTIC post-graduation job. I'm playing in the World Series of Poker, and am actually ****ing respected in the poker community, of all places.

Why can't I change this? I've been trying to for 10 years.

Is this normal? It can't be. I see couples in love and drooling all over each other every day.

Am I gay? Thought that could be the only explanation for a while, but I just know I'm not.

I wish I could change, I really do. I *know* deep down somewhere that I could give a woman more than anything she could ever want.

I just wish like hell I could find it.

[Gigabitch]

You're not gay, you jackass, you're emotionally armored. You shut down in the face of things. It's a defense mechanism, and it's completely pointless because, as you can see, it really gets in the way. Only when it's over do you feel safe enough to open up.

Dude, I wish I could tell you how to learn to let yourself be vulnerable, but I don't even know how you would begin. A lot of guys have this problem. At least you're recognizing the pattern before you've been divorced twice and are now facing your fifties with a path of wreckage behind you.

You're full of potential. You're smart, successful and good-looking. Too bad you're unavailable.

Please fix this before you get married and ruin someone's life.

Btw, I missed you.

[Junket]

Yeah dude, I'd say Giga hit that on the head.

I know it's hard to give a shit, it's easier just to hole up and be like "whateva".

I know the feeling, except I never bothered getting into a relationship at all, I'd just mope around feeling sorry for myself for feelin' lonely, and once I got bored of that, found satisfaction in telling myself I really didn't want nobody at all.

Heh, maybe you're addicted to the feeling of loss?

[Mathias]

Heh, maybe you're addicted to the feeling of loss?

I don't think so. I miss people sometimes, but I've never had that whole "broken-hearted" feeling.

[misombra]

here's a song for you matt...


[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=72T58HzPW1U[/url]

[misombra]

as you get older, losing means a lot more. if you're like this with other things in your life, count on much more important relationships to be lost if you keep it going. right now it's girlfriends dumping you, it goes much further if you don't change your ways. life is short and precious. relationships aren't to be taken for granted. they require work. going into a relationship and not doing the work, well the relationship is dead.

but i don't really think you're that different from anyone else. it takes losing to realize what's gone.

[LoveTwist]

...it takes losing to realize what's gone.

Yes... 'You don't know what you've got til its gone' ... as the song goes. I've been a bit of a victim of this myself I think. Well in the way that I didn't really throw myself into my last relationship as fully as I could, and when it was over I wished like hell that I'd tried harder.... *Sighs* Such is the nature of regret..

Mmm.... Don't really know how you can go about changing, but sounds like you tend to avoid spending time with whoever you're in a relationship with and avoid forming that connection with them and maintaining it.... So for a start I'd recommend the next serious relationship you enter into you make a conscious effort to spend more time with them and more time getting to know their whole personality, and likes and dislikes and all of that shit….

Not saying it'll be easy... in all likely hoods it won’t as you've already set up a pattern of avoidance behaviour. But like any bad habit or phobia, or whatever you wish to call it…. I think it is possible to get over it with a bit a effort ad some help of course. When you do get into another serious relationship maybe tell your gf that you have these tendencies to drift, but it doesn't mean you don't love her. Better to be upfront about it and work on it together. Then she can help you get over your avoidance problems and if she really loves you then she'll try harder t keep you involved in thing. Eg - Drag your ass to the cinema, out to Pizza Hut or even into bed if necessary...
Find it really hard to believe you'd rather stay up on the computer to 3am than get in some snuggling time!! Sorry just seems pretty unusual for a guy or anyone really!!

Anyway that’s my advice… although in some ways think I might be that, "Do as I say and not as I do" sort of person…. because my name isn’t just a name… think I may actually be going down the ‘bitter and twisted’ route… and its not good…. Loneliness lies down that road and it’s not a pleasant place to live…. Is full of microwave dinners for one and nights in watching back to back Simpson episodes that you've seen a gazillion times before...

[Converse]

When you meet the *one* if that exists, I don't know there is probably gonna be alot of the *ones* you wont be like that. I think you're only bothered after break up's because you don't miss the person you just miss the thought of some one. I think deep down you wanted to be in love deeply and because you didn't feel like that you were dissapointed and not bothered hence why you acted like you didn't care. Or maybe you just needed your own personal space while your ex's were with you.

[Gigabitch]

Find it really hard to believe you'd rather stay up on the computer to 3am than get in some snuggling time!! Sorry just seems pretty unusual for a guy or anyone really!!

Oh, God, if you only knew how common this is...

The boys aren't so much into the snuggling, typically. They like the actual in-n-out, and then they're back into their shell.

This is not all guys, but a majority, I think.

[vashti]

Hi, Mathias. I've missed you, too. Anyway, I think 24 is awfully young to be expecting that you should have had the whole "love" experience figured out. I think recognizing your weakness is the first step towards being able to correct a problem. try not to be so hard on yourself. You'll get there.

[LoveTwist]

Oh, God, if you only knew how common this is...

The boys aren't so much into the snuggling, typically. They like the actual in-n-out, and then they're back into their shell.

This is not all guys, but a majority, I think.

... Actually by 'Snuggling' kinda did mean the whole 'in-n-out' thing... continuing the Simpsons obsessed theme... that’s how Homer and Marge refer to those times when they make love... … I know I have issues….

But yeah, do know a lot of guys are like that… just find it strange that a guy would rather stay on the computer than going to bed for any snuggling period. But hey... maybe some guys avoid 'snuggling' because they know it will go on for ages and they'll have to just lie their until their gf goes to sleep.. and they can sneak out to get back to their videogame or whatever the hell else they get up to on the internet...

[anachronistic]

hang in there, mathias.

[Zach]

Mathias,

You see, I never had this problem. I was the opposite.

I could of sworn after Ann and Nathan I wouldnt trust again but I am.

Its prolly one of the most dangerous things to do, but letting yourself be vulnerable is the only way to trust someone completely. And if you do not trust someone completely you'll never be close enough to have a thriving successful love life.

Atleast thats how I see it.

I know I nearly died from the last break up (sad) but I let myself be COMPLETELY open with her. There is a wild sense of excitement when both lovers trust with every ounce of their heart. It can result in some ridiculously passionte love. Im sure you know all this, maybe you just need to be reminded of the core of the relationship. Trust.

If this gave no insight into yoursituation im sorry, I wish I could be of more help. I have known you for a while now and I really hope things work out for you man. Love yah.

-Zac

[Zach]

Oh, God, if you only knew how common this is...

The boys aren't so much into the snuggling, typically. They like the actual in-n-out, and then they're back into their shell.

This is not all guys, but a majority, I think.

Very Interesting.


Im so to be me.

[Ath]

You say you've never experienced heartache; in a way, I'm jealose.

God, I wish I had an answer to give. All I can really say is your experience up to this point may be enough. You realize that you only care when they're gone. That's one hell of a step. To open up before the end is to load the chamber and hand them the gun, but it's probably necessary. But who am I to tell you this. I'm kinda screwy myself! Either way, I know things will improve. Luck to you. -Ath