Advice on an affair

[MM80]

Hello,
Never thought I'd be doing this but need advice on something that happened a year ago. I'll try to keep it short,
This guy and I have liked each other since High School (which was over 10 years ago). We have mutual friends but nothing ever happened between us at the time. 10 years later, I see him, and that attraction is still there and very strong. We talked and he asked me to hangout but had told him I was in a relationship. I am living with the father of my kid and have been for the past 8 years. We've had a lot of problems but have been staying together for our daughter and that is all, we both know this as well and that the love is no longer there. Anyway, 2 years went by that I saw him and I couldn't stop thinking about him, it finally got to the point that I tracked him down and called him. He told me we should get together. We met up, had dinner and I did tell him the truth, that I was still living with the father of my kid, he seemed upset obviously but we ended up sleeping together that night. It was great and have never experienced love like this with anybody in my life. The sex was great and afterward we stayed up for hours talking about life, etc. What we wanted, etc. He whispered to me he loved me, and I said it back. He told me though that he wasn't going to see me again until I broke things off with my daughters dad, which I understood. I have wanted to leave but am afraid and have been for several years. I'm afraid of hurting him, afraid of hurting her and everybody around me so I've stayed. A day hasn't gone by that I haven't thought about this guy, I do love him, I know it seems so soon but do with my heart. I never have heard from him again and assumed he's moved on with his life. That morning I left his house he said some really hurtful things to me as well, I think because he was hurt because he expected me to leave and be with him right away which I guess I was afraid of. I wanted to do it the right way. How do you think he feels, do you think he meant what he said to me that night and do you think he still thinks of me? I know that the first thing would be to get out of this relationship I am in, esepecially because we've both known for years it was over. I am just exhausted and never thought it would come down to this for me. What do you think? Do you think I screwed things up with him?

[smackie9]

It's just bad timing for both of you. You really need to get your s hit together and deal with your unhappy relationship. Either you try to work things out or just take some responsability and get out of this loveless relationship. No one here can tell you what really is going through this guy's mind....we can only assume he is very dissapointed and won't play this BS game with you anymore. I guess he feels he isn't worth it for you to leave your baby's daddy.

[Sonrisa]

My guess is that he got a freebie and that was all he needed.

[MM80]

Wow, thank you for your honesty, I could have accepted it if all he wanted was sex but wish he left the I love you and everything else he said out of it. I know that I have to get my shit together, just feel like I screwed things up with somebody I honestly care about.

[HeartIsAching]

My ex and I cohabited for years with the purpose of raising our son - we had no personal relationship, slept in different rooms, had basically different social lives, etc. It CAN work, but it's difficult. Is this a possibility for you?

[qwertz]

As the child who grew up with parents who were together just for me...either do it damn well or not at all. I was more than aware why my parents were together and hated that "I" was making them unhappy.
So, you need to decide whether you really want to stick at this relationship for your child, if that is what you want then you really need to put the effort in, that includes not giving in to temptation even if this same guy comes back into the picture. If you decide that it isnt gonna work, and youre sure, then you need to stop being a coward and take action to seperate. But do it for YOU and your child, NOT for some guy who gives you a little bit of attention/affection.

[HeartIsAching]

Yeah, that's a huge part of why I'm not there now. Well that and my wife.

[Sonrisa]

Wow, thank you for your honesty, I could have accepted it if all he wanted was sex but wish he left the I love you and everything else he said out of it. I know that I have to get my shit together, just feel like I screwed things up with somebody I honestly care about.

whom do you care about?

[MM80]

I'm in love with the man I had an affair with but also care about the feelings of my daughter's dad and especially my daughter because I love her. The affair is my fault, but this relationship continuing on the way it has for so many years is both our faults because we know it's broken but do not do anything about it.

[MM80]

You're absolutely right. I have been thinking of what's best for her and that is why I have stayed so far. I keep weighing my options and what's best for her. At the same time I fell in love and cannot get him out of my head, it hurts but do need to move on, I guess I am just accepting it as a loss that I caused as I am torn between what is right.

[smackie9]

If it's broken then an affair is not the answer. You need to open your mouth and start talking to your guy about how unhappy you are. Start discussing everything about it. Open communication is how it's done.......he can't read your mind.

[Shakur]

If it's broken then an affair is not the answer. You need to open your mouth and start talking to your guy about how unhappy you are. Start discussing everything about it. Open communication is how it's done.......he can't read your mind.

^^ True. Besides you have to take out of your mind the fact that a broken relationship should continue for your daugther sake. That's just wrong. How many people do you know that whished their parents to separate at some point in the past?

If you're financially free don't put so much enphasis on the being together thing.

Do you have any girlfriends, or friends you can count on?

[smackie9]

From reading through this post, you first stated "WE" are staying together for our daughters sake, then you say I can't leave for I don't want to hurt HIS feelings which tells me this more one sided. It seems to me only you have the issue with this relationship and you are trying in some way to justify the affair. I'm saddened by this post because even tho you keep saying you are making a great sacrifice for your daughter, you are more concerned if this guy is still thinking of you, and what he is doing, and somewhere in there hoping someone will tell you he will come back to you....tisk tisk.

It's time to step up and be an adult. Deal with your present situation. Like I said before either you fix it, or you end it. Staying for your daughter's sake? You can give him visitation, and hit him up for child support. Many before you have done it and have raised happy well balanced kids. You see kids are very perceptive and feel tension and the unhappiness. If your child sees you happy and enjoying a loving relationship, then it is reflected onto them.

[oldskool83]

just leave. tell the kid you broke up. holey crap. you just made your bed alot messier now to deal with. oh and the BS of hitting the guy up for child support...id think again. why should he give you a dime, let him just have time with his kid it will mean more in the end then some $500 month for stupid shit.

im not gonna be really nice here...but you could of left along time ago.

[MM80]

That's what needs to be done oldskool, we've planned for divorce, payed off all credit cards, etc. and I would never try to get support from him, he's an awesome dad but fact is, the relationship isn't working and needs to end and we keep stalling it. All of you are right, I need to just step up and move on, fear is stopping me from doing it but that's not a good enough reason to stay. I think my daughter will be better off in the end, she can see her mom and dad in a relationship that has love. As for the affair, it happened, weather things ever work out between us really doesn't matter right now, what matters is ending this and starting my life over. thanks for the advice and critiscism, need that.