Engaged but having doubts

[andreidersen]

Hello everyone,

I’d like to get people’s opinion on this,, which is something that has been bothering me for the past days.
I’ve been with my girlfriend for about 3 and half years. We got engaged three months ago. The problem is that lately I’ve been having some doubts. I love her, there is no doubt about that, but I am not sure I am “in love” I ts hard to explain but I don’t really feel that excitement I have seen in some other couples, although it might be that we have been together for a while now, but I am not sure. I guess the way I am telling it seems kind of simple and I should just break up, but as I said, I really do love her, I just don’t feel that passion I feel I’m “supposed” to feel. If I did break-up however, I ‘m afraid I would be risking a lot. I guess it sounds cold but if I broke up, in a way it would be like betting that I would find someone with whom I can really feel that crazy excitement and passion. I know that with this girl I would have a good life, I love her, she loves me and we are happy with each other but I just have these doubts.

Andrei

[vashti]

That "crazy excitement" doesn't last. It is replaced my a more mature, calmer kind of love, generally in the first 2 years of a relationship. (or not)

I suggest you get some pre-marital counseling to help you get your thoughts sorted.

[Gigabitch]

Some couples haven't been together for three years before they get engaged. Some of them get married WAY too soon, before they've explored their feelings after the honeymoon phase is over.

Look, Andrei, most people don't stay goofy romantic after they get married. They settle in to that "good life" you say you know you'll have. If you think you're supposed to be more excited, maybe it's because you're comparing yourselves to people who aren't being realistic.

[andreidersen]

Thanks to both of you. Its very much what I had in mind.. that maybe I am already in the "more mature kind of love" stage , but I was partially afraid that something was wrong for not having the crazy excitement, goofy kind of love.

[Primo]

Andrei, we can't see into your heart. Some of things you described are normal, but you should always feel passion and attraction for your woman, even if you've been together for 10 years. It's not the new getting to know each other phase, but it should still be very intimate and intense.

If you're thinking of her more as a friend that you love dearly, but that magic may be with another woman, you need to do some soul searching. Counselling isn't going to help change what's in your heart.

It's better to be honest with yourself now, than after you get married, right?

[starbuck]

Andrei, were there always some doubts about your feelings for her, or did the doubts come after you got engaged?

If they came afterwards, maybe it's just plain old fashioned cold feet?

[andreidersen]

I guess they were definetely intesified after the engagement.

[azilin]

Thanks to both of you. Its very much what I had in mind.. that maybe I am already in the "more mature kind of love" stage , but I was partially afraid that something was wrong for not having the crazy excitement, goofy kind of love.

"Crazy excitement, goofy kind of love" is a phenomenon known, clinically, as "cathexis". One might say that in the early phases of a relationship, you don't love your partner, you cathect them. It's largely hormone-driven.

After the fair maiden is won, a different set of hormones kicks in, to encourage you to be domestic and stable. It's perfectly normal.

The human psyche is not designed to sustain a continuous high. By definition, there will be plateaus and even valleys in between the mountain tops. Don't feel obligated to be skipping through the Elysian Fields all the time, scattering flower petals as you go.

I have been hanging out with my GF specifically to have this experience, to know what it's like to metaphorically look at her in the morning over a bowl of cheerios. When you're dating, you're both on your best behavior and appearance. I want to know that a relationship can survive the mundane. That we can handle each other's bed hair and morning breath, so to speak.

Seems to me like what you're describing is a good sign of a mature relationship. Now you just have to let go of that idea that it's always going to be a thrilling joy ride. If you consciously or otherwise harbored any idea that being with this woman would erase all your insecurities, boredom and anxiety, now is the time to realize that it won't. What should give you pause now is not your lack of strong joy-joy feelings -- it should be that your expectations may not be realistic. The good news is that this isn't about whether or not she's right for you -- you'd have this issue in any relationship after awhile.

[Gigabitch]

FYI, Andrei, the most my husband and I ever fought was between getting engaged and getting married. It's like every little part of you is trying to make sure you're sure, you know? It doesn't mean you have anything to really worry about.

[andreidersen]

THanks a lot this really helps! I still have to do some soul searching, but It gives me a lot of peace of mind.