girlfriend is in contact with abusive ex boyfriend

[silvermax]

Hi, here are the facts and my problem:

Me and my girlfriend are both about 30 years old, we've been together for about 2 years.
Before that, she was in a relationship with her ex-boyfriend that lasted for about 6 years,
they split up about 3 years ago.

My girlfriend told me, that during the last 4 (!) years of their relationship,
it happened every now and then that he became physical and beat her when they had an argument.
He never beat her so badly that she became visibly injured or in need of medical treatment,
but the pain could last for several days.
She never became physical towards him.

So far, I felt great sympathy for her. Then she continued:

Towards the end of their relationship when things got worse, she threatened to move out
(but not break up), he threatened he would break up with her if she moved out,
then she did move out, and he did break up with her.
According to her, she had hoped until the very end that they would get back together again
after her moving out, and the fact that he really broke up with her was a big shock for her.

I was a little worried when I heard that. And then came this:

She is still in (more or less) loose contact with her ex boyfriend (he has a new girlfriend, too).
Occasionally they go to the cinema, have dinner, they phone, tell what's going on in their lives, and
send wishes for birthdays and christmas.
But they never had a discussion about the way things were going during their relation. She says
it wasn't that bad for her that he became violent. If she wanted to talk about this to him nowadays
they would only run into trouble again, and things are good as they are now.
She says she doesn't want him back although I sometimes seem to recognize that she still has
strong feelings for him.

I just don't get it and don't know what to make of this. I think I'm worried, perhaps jealous.
What's going on with her and with him?
Is the way they've arranged things normal/desirable? Should I accept this?
Wouldn't a woman who experienced violence in a relationship for a prolonged period of time
demand at least a serious apology from her ex, and otherwise send him to hell?

[smackie9]

It's not him, it's her. She needs to get counseling because she still probably thinks it fell apart because of her and not him. That is what you should be worried about. I was in an abusive relationship for 2 years, but I never wanted anything to do with him after I finally got away. I learned never to be with someone like that again. She hasn't learned that....she is still hanging on because she doesn't understand how wrong and damaging it has been to her. Now it is jeopardizing your relationship. You need to act fast and don't leave this unattended. You need to have a very serious talk with her. If she rejects that she needs help and sees nothing wrong with what she is doing, you just may need to give her an ultimatum, either she gets help or it's over between the two of you. Seriously if this doesn't change, you are wasting your time being with her.

[Boisdevie]

If she's fool enough to still stay in touch with such a complete git then stay away from her - there are lots of normal women out there. Find one of those instead

[misombra]

Tell her its him or you, and back it up.

She's got drama. Get away from her before she has you disgusted with all women.

[misombra]

Tell her its him or you, and back it up.

She's got drama. Get away from her before she has you disgusted with all women.

[SelflessnHumble]

Hi, here are the facts and my problem:

Me and my girlfriend are both about 30 years old, we've been together for about 2 years.
Before that, she was in a relationship with her ex-boyfriend that lasted for about 6 years,
they split up about 3 years ago. He became physical and beat her when they had an argument.
He never beat her so badly that she became visibly injured or in need of medical treatment,
but the pain could last for several days.
She never became physical towards him.

Look, even though my screen name says selfless and humble doesn't mean I'm a door
mat and allow people to take advantage of me. My advice to you comes from love because
I've been abused and I've been the abuser...

Being abused I can tell you self confidence is low and her overall sense of self worth
goes out the window and down the drain. People who are abused like this can become so used
to the abuse they will start abusing themselves (mentally/verbally) and even "miss" being in that environment
although they'd never admit it (just like when she'd make excuses for his behavior, citing herself as the scapegoat
and the cause) What you have to understand is that people like this are broken and need help, love and time to mend...

HOWEVER a big however: ask yourself honestly: Does she want this? Does she say this? Does she feel this?
The answer lies in her actions, not in her thoughts which lay secret and dormant

And then came this:

She is still in (more or less) loose contact with her ex boyfriend (he has a new girlfriend, too).
Occasionally they go to the cinema, have dinner, they phone, tell what's going on in their lives, and
send wishes for birthdays and christmas.
But they never had a discussion about the way things were going during their relation. She says
it wasn't that bad for her that he became violent. If she wanted to talk about this to him nowadays
they would only run into trouble again, and things are good as they are now.
She says she doesn't want him back although I sometimes seem to recognize that she still has
strong feelings for him.

Let me tell you how I view the human mind/emotional heart to function...
Unless there is true closure between two people: it is VERY difficult for those feelings and emotions from
the past to dissolve. Why? To your point: They simply were never addressed. She was forced to move on
after he broke up with her...which leaves most people (notably women) in a vulnerable state...Due to the psychological warfare
in which him breaking up with her conveys his position to be at a higher realm than her own- the person who is dumped
can and will feel inadequate for an undetermined amount of time. There is no doubt there are strong emotional bonds
between them and what you must try to understand is that abused people WILL lie to protect their
omissions, indiscretions in the name of, "I didn't tell you because you would be mad at me."

I just don't get it and don't know what to make of this. I think I'm worried, perhaps jealous.
What's going on with her and with him?
Is the way they've arranged things normal/desirable? Should I accept this?
Wouldn't a woman who experienced violence in a relationship for a prolonged period of time
demand at least a serious apology from her ex, and otherwise send him to hell?

I completely understand the way you feel because I've been there man.
It doesn't feel good when someone, the one you love and care about is giving her time to someone
undeserving of it based on what you have said about him.

In a perfect world...you should have your partner all to yourself without the aggravation and interferences of
an "Ex" in the foreground along side of you, where you and your girl should be...

Based on logic, yes.
A woman who has experienced the violence in a relationship would do everything in her power to avoid the
person responsible. However one thing can bypass this common sense: (sad to say this) Love.
More to the point: Sex. An abusive manipulator can create a sense of power over another person and use
to his advantage what she bears as the most beautiful gift she could ever give another man.

She is damaged goods having to deal with what she had to endure to survive.
She should be commended for this feat, BUT at the same time it is quite apparent to me that she does not
consider your feelings on the matter, and I don't feel they have a strong platonic friendship which warrants her
seeing him when she has the best friend she could possibly want: YOU.

If you have a lot of emotions and feelings invested in her sitting her down and telling her how
you feel is critical. Do it in a very calm, loving and concerned way. You will know her intentions by her reaction
to what you've just told her. See, most people make the mistake by arguing, yelling at the top of their lungs in order
to gain perspective and insight when all it does is push her towards the Ex, and distance yourself from the truth.

Take care and write back.
Whether or not she is aware of how this makes you feel, understand that NO ONE should have to.

[damn2010]

She used to being "controlled" and this boyfriend both physically and mentally abused her. She is an "addict" and she is still controlled by him and he still relishes the "control" he has over her.

She might never really ever be yours.

Like it was said before, stop your feelings, tell her its HIM or YOU and back up.

[doppelgaenger]

How can you tolerate such a ridiculous level of stupidity? I wouldn't be able to take her seriously.

[RockNRoll]

Luckily, I don't have any experience on this topic. But something is clear to me: she was in such relationship for too long and it even wasn't her desire to run away from bad attitude, and she is still around him, so she has some unresolved unhealthy issues. Better to leave it for a trained consultant.

[silvermax]

Thank you for all your answers.

SelfnessnHumble, your post is most thoughful and helpful to me, damn sure you are not a door mat!

Some time ago I had a long series of discussions with my girlfriend about the topic. Sometimes I behaved a little as you assumed, arguing and yelling.
We couldn't find a definitive solution then. At the moment, I don't want to re-open the box and start all over with this.
But my mind is going round it pretty often.

I might add that her ex boyfriend has a university degree and a managing role in an international company, he's always polite and friendly and an entertaining chat and no single soul on earth would ever consider him to be an abuser. All her friends and family and colleagues envied her for him.

She says I'm the only one she ever told about what actually went on between them, she never ever consulted a friend or parents, and she wants to keep it that way.

I'm still very interested in hearing more people's opinions, especially from people with personal or professional experience with abusive relations.

[SelflessnHumble]

Thank you for all your answers.

SelfnessnHumble, your post is most thoughful and helpful to me, damn sure you are not a door mat!

Some time ago I had a long series of discussions with my girlfriend about the topic. Sometimes I behaved a little as you assumed, arguing and yelling.
We couldn't find a definitive solution then. At the moment, I don't want to re-open the box and start all over with this.
But my mind is going round it pretty often.

I might add that her ex boyfriend has a university degree and a managing role in an international company, he's always polite and friendly and an entertaining chat and no single soul on earth would ever consider him to be an abuser. All her friends and family and colleagues envied her for him.

She says I'm the only one she ever told about what actually went on between them, she never ever consulted a friend or parents, and she wants to keep it that way.

I'm glad I could be of some help or insight.
I don't like it when people have power over me and it just feels like I'm ungrounded.
The weird thing with people is that even if you had never yelled but said what needed to be said
(no matter how calm and rational you appear to be) you still might get a defensive reaction....why?

This person is not willing to address the issue(s) and/or she isn't willing to own up to what she failed to do (inaction)
Closure cannot be fully realized until these issues are resolved. People have their own way of coping which
may or may not work. Most abusers are either successful or ridiculously charming. Just so you know...

Either way you go I have no bias or stake in the matter.
Based on my experience with people they need to want the change and while you may even get
some response like, "well, she's entitled to have friends" or something like that it begs the question(s)

Do friends hurt and abuse?
Does she need a male friend and IF it doesn't sit well with you should she continue to see him?

Trust is paramount in a relationship and I don't know your girl.
I just don't like it when people lie. Most women I've known have lied to me. Why?

"Because you'd get mad at me."

I have an ex girlfriend that I would still talk to once every say month or so...
She lives with her ex boyfriend...She says it is platonic and they don't really like each other.
She will defend him at every corner of me bringing up his lack of responsibility or things she has told me about him.
(Keep in mind I've never met him and she met him after her and I dated)

He cheated and abused her...
She tells me if she meets a guy and he doesn't like her living with her ex it just means he is not
"man enough" to handle her/situation! (He gives her 1-2 hundred a month if that) the rent is $1,300.00/month.

She refuses to get a roommate because at least she "knows him."
She's 28, has had many failed relationships and she doesn't know why.

She doesn't know love let alone unconditional love. It's sad.


Are you willing to lose this girl?
Will you go through the unnecessary pain of her seeing an abusive ex
who hadn't lifted her up?