sex with benefits or long term boyfriend or what? I'm confused!

[ca444]

Here's the situation:

A month ago I met a guy online. We have a mutual acquaintance, he is friends with a lady I used to work with. Anyhow, we went out on a couple dates and talked for about 10 hours total. Probably not enough time but I decided I liked him and we slept together. It was the first time I'd slept with anyone in over a year, and I know I should have gotten to know him better first but I didn't. We are both in our late 30's.

The sex was great, but I started having emotional feelings for him, I started getting attached and liking him more than just a sex buddy or a friend.

We dated for about another week.

We talk a lot about work, and other subjects of interest to us, we are friends since we have a lot in common.

He is like me, he does not sleep with more than one person at a time, that I am certain of. So it's not like he just goes and sleeps with women whenever he can. He's always been totally honest with me, that I can tell.

He says he wants a long term relationship. Here's the other thing, his wife died 4 years ago and he is not over her yet. He said he's dated women since then but nothing serious, just sex.

He said he does not know whether he wants to commit to me long term. So I told him I think we should just be friends and he said fine. Leave the sex part out. Because I am looking for a long term relationship.

So we went out Sat as friends only, had a good time.

Now today he calls and says he knows we're just friends but would I like to come over and have sex. Which I would love to do, just for the fun of it.

But I really want to be in a relationship with him not just a sex buddy.

He is moving 5 hrs away once he sells his house to help his dad who is sick. However he works in this area so he will be coming back from time to time.

I am sorry this is so complicated/confusing but I just don't know what to do. should I just tell him I want to be friends for a while and see where it goes?

And leave out the sex? Even though I do want to have sex with him. We never should have had sex so soon but we did, I know that was a mistake.

I really want to find someone and settle down long term, should I just look for someone else? Since he does not seem ready/interested in anything long term?

I know this probably sounds stupid, but I am horrible at relationships as far as boyfriends go. I never get it right. Hopefully one day I will.

Thanks.

[Gigabitch]

Once he sells his house, it's all over anyway. I think you may as well just keep sleeping with him until then and not try to make it into something it isn't.

[Kaius]

Ya you two want different things. Just enjoy the sex as Giga advised. It's purely physical, so as long as you know what to expect, there will be no surprises.

[girl68]

You can't have it both ways. If you want sex, have sex but he isn't going to change his mind and magically want to commit to you. If you want to be his friend, be his friend but don't have sex. It's not confusing at all. You know exactly what you want, but he can't give it to you be his friend or be nothing you're clearly not the FWB type (and there's nothing wrong with that, I'm not either).

[ca444]

thanks. I will just stick to being his friend.

I used to be wild and now I am ready to settle down but it's obviously not with him. Wish I could find someone.

[cmacattack1]

You've only known him for a month (talked for 10 hours), I don't think you can say "I know he wouldn't do this" or "he only does that". You guys both do want separate things, and if having sex with him is causing you to become attached obviously you can't keep doing that with him. And he is testing your commitment to wanting things long term because even after you established friends he is still asking for sex. Good for you for not playing that unsure game with him.

Can you really just be friends though? It doesn't feel weird after intimacy and him asking for more?

[ftm]

Frankly, I'd say you already have the answer to your question in your own post. He's been very clear about what he wants. He likes you. He's not ready for a commitment. He wants to keep having sex with you. You need to figure out what boundary you want to set. You already told him that without commitment you don't want to have sex. That's a good boundary to set. If he want to get into bed with you, he has to commit. Doesn't seem likely, but it's the best chance of getting what you want. If you continue to sleep with him, he has less incentive to commit, and you certainly have no grounds to be upset with him when you end up brokenhearted since you should know what you are getting into by inviting him back into your bedroom while you are "just friends."