Is it normal to love someone but obsess over others?!

[cand85]

Hi guys,

Is this normal? Is this a feeling that ever goes away? I have been in three long-term relationships now - I am 34 - and I'm always finding myself crushing on other women who aren't my girlfriend.

Usually this begins around 6 - 12 months into a relationship, I suppose when that gloss of everything being new and exciting begins to wear off and the other person becomes a permanent fixture in my life. I haven't ever acted on feeling this way, but I wonder how normal it is to feel like this?

I love my girlfriend and we have been together for a year. Everything is relatively good, but there is another woman that I have been lusting after for at least six months. Actually I first noticed her around a year ago and we cross paths a lot, though have only ever spoken briefly. She is incredibly beautiful and I recently found out more about her after stumbling across her online and haven't been able to stop thinking about her for weeks. I am not kidding myself, even if I were single, this other girl is 12 years my junior. Nothing would probably come of it anyway.

I have had this in the past with previous long-term girlfriends. I wonder whether everybody experiences this, or whether I experience it more than most. Something that does make me wonder is this: I have almost always been in a relationship. I have 'liked' a lot of girls initially, but I have perhaps only ever met a handful that really made my jaw drop and get that butterfly feeling in my stomach from the get go. I guess you could liken that sensation to something like love at first sight. The problem is I have never talked to 'those' girls, I have never approached one and gotten to know her or asked her out. I have always been too nervous or lacking in confidence. But I've ended up in relationships with other girls who I've liked and found attractive, but never been bowled over by I guess you could say, so it was easy to talk to them and establish a rapport. So this makes me wonder whether it is because I don't / have never pursued any of these girls that have really knocked me off my feet, perhaps (as mean as it is to say) I have settled for less and as a result I am always still looking for something else, perhaps subconsciously. And as a result of almost always being in long-term relationships I'm closing myself off to the possibility of meeting and getting together with my dream someone.

I want to be clear, I am not simply talking about physical attraction here, I am talking about meeting someone I have lots in common with, a kindred spirit. Someone I really connect with. The girl I am with now, we get along well for the most part, but I don't know, I have my doubts over whether we are kindred in that way. I do love and care about her, I would be devastated if we broke up, but I can't help wondering.

Or am I over-thinking things? Is this feeling of constantly noticing and wondering about other girls normal, or is it because I am not with who I am supposed to be with? Maybe it is something I will always experience no matter who I am with and I need to realise that and ignore these feelings. What do you guys think? Have you ever met anybody who consumed you so much you didn't wonder or think about anybody else EVER AGAIN??!!

Thanks everybody

[bunnyhabit]

i think most men lust over other chicks even when love specifically one chick. i don't think you are special. some guys are self confident and aggressive enough to get secret side chicks. mostly guys just fantasy about other girls and don't get because shy and nervous like you're personality seems like.

[Hooo!]

Other girls have great asses too
The question is: let’s say you could, would you?

[TheEvilJester]

I agree with the others. To some degree guys can't help it. Hell, I'm about as different from your average guy as you can get when it comes to that sort of thing.... but even I have to admit that when I am in a relationship I still can't help but notice other women. You don't cease to be human simply because you are in a relationship.

The big difference is I personally couldn't care less about the other women. When I'm in a relationship, the woman I am with is the most beautiful woman in the world to me, both for her looks AND for who she is. I think Hooo actually sums it up really well with his question. If you could, would you?

If you answer is yes, then maybe your heart is not really in your current relationship. There is a big difference between noticing other attractive women, and actually crushing on them/becoming obsessed. If you are literally becoming obsessed as you say, then yeah. That's a problem. It could mean your girlfriend just isn't the right match for you but maybe you haven't realized it yourself yet. Or it could mean you have a problem with a "grass is always greener" sort of attitude and you need to deal with that or you'll never be happy in ANY relationship.

And, please don't misunderstand. I'm not saying that to vilify you at all. If you didn't care I don't think you'd be here asking us this. I just sincerely think it is possible you may have that state of mind and not realize it. That can be a very destructive state of mind to have, especially when you don't realize it. How can you ever be happy in any relationship if you are just wanting other women all the time?

We can't really know which is the case for you. Is it a case of you just having that "grass is always greener" mentality even if you don't realize it yourself? Or is it a case of your girlfriend maybe not being your right match, and that causes your thoughts to stray to other women, but you just don't realize it yourself yet? We can't really know.

So, long story short it IS perfectly normal to still find other women attractive... it just isn't okay to become obsessed with them/crush on them especially if you intend to stay with you girlfriend. So, it is really a question only you can answer for yourself, but I hope we've at least helped you think.