Lost respect

[xmk]

Hi, after my gf told my how manny people she's been with before me, (about 3 - 4 month ago)
i can't help it, but I feel like I don't respect her anymore. Has anyone else experienced a similliar experience?
I am 23.


(English not native language)

[DD100]

Get over yourself! If you can't accept that she has a past before she met you then your judgmental self isn't worthy of her! Aslong as she hasn't hurt anybody it should not be a big deal to you

[junko]

How many was it and how old is she?

There might have been many factors as to the reason why she has slept with as many people as she has.

Providing she is clean of any STIs what is the issue here?

You sound very sexist in regards to this. Maybe she should ask you how many women you have slept with and if it's too many lose all respect for you - equal rights and all!

[smackie9]

Get over yourself! If you can't accept that she has a past before she met you then your judgmental self isn't worthy of her! Aslong as she hasn't hurt anybody it should not be a big deal to you

this^^^^^^^^

You obviously are in love with her, and the thought of your true love being with others is crushing and brings up feelings of jealousy....it will pass.

[Wakeup]

Devils Advocate Here: If you have personal standards that dictate that you cannot respect someone who has been non-discerning in who they have bed in the past then its your prerogative to leave her now and find someone who you CAN respect.

There are women out there that haven't slept with many men because they have been in long term relationships of the monogamous kind. Get yourself one of them and quit her now before you torment yourself and her with your own mind-fvck.

[xmk]

How many was it and how old is she?

There might have been many factors as to the reason why she has slept with as many people as she has.

Providing she is clean of any STIs what is the issue here?

You sound very sexist in regards to this. Maybe she should ask you how many women you have slept with and if it's too many lose all respect for you - equal rights and all!

She did ask me a long time ago. I said dont ask, don't tell. It wont bring up anything positive. I found out some time ago, because my room-mate told me. But she is my first girlfriend and sexual partner, and she knows that.

[Wakeup]

Just stop seeing her. You're not mature enough to be able to let this go and just enjoy what you have with her.

[junko]

There are women out there that haven't slept with many men because they have been in long term relationships of the monogamous kind.

Well arnt they the lucky ones then! Just shows you they either put up with rubbish unfulfilling relationships or they know how to pick the right guy.

[smackie9]

she is my first girlfriend and sexual partner.

This is why....you are inexperienced and you are butt hurt she is.....

[xmk]

This is why....you are inexperienced and you are butt hurt she is.....

I dont care about how many times she has done it. Its the amount of people she's been with, that haunts my mind, and the fact i know all of them.

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I dont care about how many times she has done it. Its the amount of people she's been with, that haunts my mind, and the fact i know all of them.

I know all the people in person.**

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Get over yourself! If you can't accept that she has a past before she met you then your judgmental self isn't worthy of her! Aslong as she hasn't hurt anybody it should not be a big deal to you

She has not hurt anyone physacly. But she did start having sex with a guy, then dumped him heartbroken so she could be able to have sex with another guy.

I see people assume im imature, maybe that is true. But ive always been attracted to the clasy type good girl kind of women. I tought my gf was like this, now i view her complitely different. But i did not know how she used to be, when i fell i love. Now i feel like i love her and recent her at the same time.

Judging me and, telling me im a bad person does not help me, if its not sharing A similiar experience or a suggetion to a solution, its not something i can be able to change, thats not why i posted the question. I need advice.

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And about the sexist claim. I disprove for promiscuity, for both genders.

[DD100]

I'm not suggesting you're a bad person atall. However, you are being very judgmental of her past because you have said your self you no longer respect her. If you love her then you would get past this. Instead you're saying you've lost respect for her! She hasn't done anything bad to you and you resent the fact she has a more liberal attitude towards sex than you do. I don't think your attitude towards her is fair and if you can't get past it then end it for both yours and her sake

[smackie9]

Here's the advice.....her past in no way has made her any less of a good person than you. There is no magic solution, you just have to get over it.

If you can't, breakup with her. Just because she is your first doesn't mean she has to be your last.

[DD100]

Well said smackie9

[Wakeup]

I think it's funny that people are calling you "judgemental" as they judge you for being concerned that she's not the chaste chica you thought she was.

Anyway, Op: Maybe reading up on "how to get over Retro-Active Jealousy may help you to overcome your resentment.

How long have you dated her (sorry if I missed where you said so earlier) and at this point in your relationship has she shown you in anyway that she is lacking in personal boundaries or gave you reason to believe she's untrustworthy?

[DD100]

Wakeup, I'm not judging him as a person atall, but his views are judgmental. Dismissing someone as "immature" so "just stop seeing her" is also being judgmental and quite dismissive to him.

If he was concerned by the way his girlfriend act's around other males since they've been together then fair enough. But his title is "Lost respect" and his concern was "since my girlfriend told me how many she slept with before me I have lost respect for her". And in not one of his replies has he suggested his girlfriend has disrespected him in anyway.

He mentioned he dislikes promiscuity in people. If that's his views then fine. I'm not sure how he will get past this if he feels so strongly about promiscuity. But if he loved his girlfriend like he says he does, and everything was great before he found out about her past then if that's his only issue, he is not only being judgmental, by saying he's lost respect for her, but also extremely foolish if he lets this get the better of him.

It takes all kinds of people to make the world go round and not everyone is the same. And not everyone has to be the same to get along! You suggest he should end it and find a girl who's not slept with as many people. What's he ment to do? "Hi, I find you attractive and I would like to take you out... But, errr, first.... How many people have you slept with?". That's not usually a question that comes up until you're both quite comfortable with eachother a good few dates down the line when you've already started to like eachother. If he keeps doing that he'll get no where!

If he genuinely loves his girlfriend then he'll get past himself to get past this issue. At the end of the day respect is a two way street and he should do a little bit more to earn her respect instead of just judging her past when they had absolutely nothing to do with eachother.

It seems to me that he's just a little bit intimidated by her past. That's natural! In the back of his mind he maybe paranoid, due to his own lack of experience, in how he compares in bed to these x amount of other men. Not to mention being put off because he now knows all the men she's slept with. If that's the issue and he can't handle it then he's got a massive problem because he won't get past it. But that's his problem, not hers! She's done nothing to deserve his lack of respect because he weren't on the scene back then.

OP - Maybe you should take a break from eachother for you to realise what you've got an what you'll miss. However it could backfire massively because she may be hurt by your reasons for wanting a break. Explain to your girlfriend what you're issues are and see how she reacts to you telling her that you know longer respect her. She may take massive offense to that and call time on the relationship herself. But if you really love her then, a couple of weeks down the line, when you miss her and all the good qualities that made you fall for her in the first place, you will more than likely end up kicking yourself for throwing her away so easily and might not be able to get her back because you've treated her so badly. I would recommend you try adjusting your own mindset and accepting the girl, who you love, for who she is before taking any decisions on your relationship.