Hi everyone. I could really use your insights on these issues. Some of you while reading this may not believe what I am telling you but if this is the case I ask that you challenge me with questions to 1. reassure you that I speak the truth and 2. to better understand the situation. So here goes...I have been with my wife since 93 married in 98 and have two daughters, near teenagers. My mother lives with us and has for some time. We are both well educated, and have good careers with retirements. She is in the medical field, I am typically in government positions but at present, going to school for doctorate. I still have income into the home. This to say we are financially stable.
She is a really honest and loving person, great mind, beautiful, great mother and takes care of nearly everything. I mean she has everything planned out and taken care of. So we split (I think) much of the everyday needs for the home and family. I guess I would consider her side the operations side while mine is support. (Past military speak) She is very smart and independent and could take care of herself. I am a faithful, dedicated and loving husband. I am a romantic, I believe in the connection to your wife is emotional, spiritual and physical. That your wife should be your friend and lover, that you should be soul mates if you will. I am physically fit, somewhat attractive but I don't presume to think a gift from above...just comfortable with who I am. I am an idealist with strong moral and ethical convictions, I mean what I say and I take commitment seriously.
So the situation...(from my perspective) up front for everyone, is that I cannot decide if I want to ask for a divorce, continue to try and save this marriage or if we should just separate but still married for the kids or frankly try to see if there is way to find out if she has some mental disorder? I am at the point of no recovery here. The event horizon if you will. The Problem...over the last 15 years she has become increasingly cold and distant. She has never been able to talk about anything serious except for chit chat...not us...bills and schedules yes she is all over that but she cannot tell me if she loves me and why. In bed...I feel like a piece of meat when she needs some attention then we're done until the next two months come up. Her desire to please me is more like a disgusting chore to keep me somewhat interested but I know the looks. At this point I do not flirt, do not kiss, do not joke, I do not do anything with her. I hate the constant feeling of rejection from her. I hate that I do not get any reciprocating feelings of love and flirtation. Its easier to not be interested.
She is obsessive over the girls getting things right on homework, pushing them all the time, yelling and screaming and she even goes back and rechecks homework. She caters to nearly every need of theirs, while I am the disciplinarian. I raise them with discussion of right and wrong, she screams at them but never follows through with punishment. The girls seem to be the center of her life. Don't get me wrong I love my girls and would do anything for them...but I think that she crosses the line. I often wonder when is it my turn...when do I get any thoughts of being a couple? She is a martyr. I cannot or do not even mention a problem sick or broken toe...that she does not come back with something much worse. She always complains about being stressed out, granted her work sucks but pays well. My opinion is she is hyper focused on everything. Anything that goes wrong is a major catastrophe...Other issues, we do not sleep together, she comes home from work and watches TV and sleeps on the couch. I tried to make a statement by blowing up the air mattress and sleeping out in another room but she calls it my bed even. She talks to her mother and texts her friends all the time...no conversation with her because she just loves to chat...
She has disrespected me several times and I have tried to tell her but she will not listen. In fact anytime I try to talk or write a letter (the fastest and easiest way now to get here attention). For instance, we took a trip to Italy one year with a group of friends, one night a male friend decided he was going to give a massage in front of me...she did not pull away right away. She knows I like going to breakfast but she hates it...she told me one day her male friend and her went out to breakfast...she also went to a museum together with him knowing I wanted to go but always refused. After I came back from a deployment, I tried to talk to her about it but she never really was interested...another male friend cam home and he tells me that she was asking him all kinds of questions about his deployment...at the same time after my deployment she goes on a cruise for week with a girlfriend but didn't think to go together. The last issue was a massage given by an unrelated male family member...nothing sexual but it was the fact that no one should be doing this except me. She will not listen to any advice I give her but she will from other men...even strangers. Frankly I have even had the thought of her cheating on me now because of these. I mean very unlikely but I hate that I feel this way now.
So that's all I can write for now sorry for ling thread but would love to hear any questions or opinions.