Abstinence or premarital sex?

[NewToLove]

hi 18 year old college freshman here.. met an amazing girl, been dating for 4 months and we started talking about sex. I told her I expect to get to that stage one day and she said okay. Then she opened up a little as I encourage her to do so because communication is top of the list for a good relationship and she told me she didn't want sex till after marriage. Yes I am her first boyfriend and yes she is 18... and yes she is a shy girl.

I mean.. I'm on the fence on this one, to me it means this girl is serious, conservative, and very moral in character, but on the other hand... I want sex.. not now.. but eventually, I see sex as a stage a serious relationship reaches and needs to reach because of sexual compatibility... i don't want to get married and find out that sex with her won't work... I'm sorta worried.. but I don't want to convince her to have sex with me one day.. but what are your guy's insight on this?

[Yet another guy]

What you said. You don't want to get divorced because of sexual incompatibility. If she doesn't care of you enough to get intimate, why would you ever want to marry her?

Not having sex until marriage seems irresponsible to me. I wouldn't waste my time on her.

[HeartIsAching]

I don't know about "irresponsible", but compatibility is a concern. It's a nice, romantic old-fashioned idea, and it may even be driven by religion or morals. I don't see either one of you as being wrong. You'll have to decide if she's worth taking a chance on. At 18, you have plenty of time to worry about those kind of things in the future - like after you graduate, for instance.

[Boisdevie]

I don't know about "irresponsible", but compatibility is a concern. It's a nice, romantic old-fashioned idea, and it may even be driven by religion or morals.

No, it's stupid bullshit. Sex is part of a healthy relationship. Just imagine, you get blue balls for years, get married and then one or both of you realise that in the bedroom things are rubbish -gosh how romantic!

[HeartIsAching]

No, it's stupid bullshit. Sex is part of a healthy relationship. Just imagine, you get blue balls for years, get married and then one or both of you realise that in the bedroom things are rubbish -gosh how romantic!

Well, that is how I feel about it personally... and would not attempt a relationship with somebody that felt that they had to wait until marriage, but that doesn't work for everybody.

[NewToLove]

So.. if this relationship does take off I think I should convince her to have sex with me... not that sex is all I want in a relationship.. but I really need to know how compatible we are in bed.. but how should I go about this in the future if it does take off? any suggestions? just straight out "babe I want to have sex because I want to know if we're gonna be fine in that area of our relationship"? <-- sounds kinda... pushy?

[xxazurexx]

I guess some women want to wait and to try and so as to ensure they snag the man and get the ring on their fingers - I reckon it's a form of blackmail, marry me or no sex, lol Which is a bit stupid because in this day and age, sex can be freely obtained....Sex isn't anything 'special', that you wouldnt be able to get anywhere else.

No I wouldn't wait for anyone till marriage....not that I expect a guy would want to wait, but regardless.

There is another thread similar to this and it's better to try before you buy, to avoid a later disappointment or divorce.

[eonbar]

personally i wouldn't wait or expect anyone to wait to get married before having sex.

HOWEVER, what i think people have missed out is that shes a virgin, shes 18 (which i know isn't young, but shes still a kid much in the same way as i am at 21) and shes not ready. i think its important to reiterate that everyone on this forum isn't saying force her or pursued her into having sex, but just let your view point be known.

i wouldn't approach it as "have sex with me other wise your dumped" but rather just say that you think its a part of a natural relationship, and even though you dont want it now i think i will in the future (which you have). like you said yu both dont want it at the moment, so just carry on, dont think about it too much and when your mind starts to wander that way bring it up again. she may have changed her mind, or if not then you can always do a whole load of other things which don't involve penetrative sex. also, the longer your together and the closer you get the higher the chance of her wanting to get down and dirty. girls get just as horney as boys after all

[Boisdevie]

So.. if this relationship does take off I think I should convince her to have sex with me... not that sex is all I want in a relationship.. but I really need to know how compatible we are in bed.. but how should I go about this in the future if it does take off? any suggestions? just straight out "babe I want to have sex because I want to know if we're gonna be fine in that area of our relationship"? <-- sounds kinda... pushy?

Here is how it works.
Kiss her
Kiss her passionately - on the lips, on the face, on the neck.
See how she responds - if she responds well then
Keep kissing her and squeeze her arse
If she responds well then move onto her breasts
Get the idea - keep on going and if it reaches the point when she stops you then leave. At the age of 18 and after 4 months in a relationship she should be ready for sex.

But then from the postings on this forum many Americans really seem ****ed up (or not) when it comes to sex - like it's some kind of crime/wierd thing/unnatural/doesn't conform to my wierd religion

[Yet another guy]

Lol, it's like they are all in some creepy mind controlling cult

Actually I feel tempted to think that the only reason I'm a virgin is that sex is wrong and it's my choice. I'm just not that good at self delusion.

[xxazurexx]

Despite my view that I wouldn't wait for marriage, I think that 18 is kinda too young for serious involvements and sex.

Plenty of time to act like grown ups and when you are grown ups and if you are wanting sex and are having difficulty controlling urges, then buy a rubber doll or an artificial 'foo foo' you can bang every night.

She is only 18 and is probably not ready for this kind of heavy stuff. Eventually she will be though and probably with a guy who didn't try to force himself on her.

[reeba]

Personally I have nothing against premarital sex. However......I don't buy the, I don't want to find out we are sexually incompatible after we are married line. Just say it, you want to get laid now.

Most marriages fail. If you look for reasons why people have unhappy marriages, it doesn't have to do with bad sex lives in the FIRST COUPLE of years of marriage. So lets examine the top reasons why people get divorced, and I say they are interlinked with the exception of financial since rich people have regular folk problems too.
- Infidelity - usually brought on by the 5 or 7 year itch (sexual boredom, no longer in love, bored with the relationship, anger over something your spouse did, etc). Again having sex before getting married, and they fail to avoid the number one reason for divorce.
- Can't communicate without fighting, or avoid subject matters that cause conflict.
- Abuse - physical, mental, emotional.
- Financial - lots of stress and fights

Now I've dumped men that I thought were not so fantastic, was not in love with, that weren't good in bed. I've made the mistake of staying with someone that wasn't so fantastic, not in love with, that was good in bed. And I've done the mistake of thinking the relationships initial months rush of lust was what being in love felt like. However, I have never dumped someone who was fantastic, I was in love with, that was bad in bed. Believe it or not, most people are trainable. Some more than others, but most people can learn.

Right now she is 18 and you have dated her 4 months. If she is still like this in a year, give us another post. My guess is she wants to be in love, wants you to be in love, and wants to make sure she has a relationship that will last longer than a semester

[vashti]

Jeezus.

She's only 18, and obviously not ready for sex. You are only 18, and still a virgin, too. Why is it considered "blackmail" to say you want to be married before you have sex, but it isn't blackmail to say you need to break up because you aren't having any, especially when you say that you aren't ready, either?

Sex IS special for people who take it seriously, and wish to elevate the act to something more meaningful than an orgasm, and even though waiting for marriage isn't something *I* would do, there is nothing wrong with her for not being ready. She is only a kid. At 18, she likely hasn't got any idea whether or not she will be a virgin when she marries. It's more like a wish she is verbalizing, like a desire to live in a million dollar home. If some guy she trusts actually turns her on enough, and she still isn't interested, I would take what she says more seriously.

[reeba]

Now I've dumped men that I thought were not so fantastic, was not in love with, that weren't good in bed. I've made the mistake of staying with someone that wasn't so fantastic, not in love with, that was good in bed. And I've done the mistake of thinking the relationships initial months rush of lust was what being in love felt like. However, I have never dumped someone who was fantastic, I was in love with, that was bad in bed. Believe it or not, most people are trainable. Some more than others, but most people can learn.

Right now she is 18 and you have dated her 4 months. If she is still like this in a year, give us another post. My guess is she wants to be in love, wants you to be in love, and wants to make sure she has a relationship that will last longer than a semester.

[Yet another guy]

Sex IS special for people who take it seriously, and wish to elevate the act to something more meaningful than an orgasm, and even though waiting for marriage isn't something *I* would do, there is nothing wrong with her for not being ready.

Its true that people consider sex as something more meaningful than just an orgasm. That's why wanking just isn't enough for most guys. We want to share special things with the ones we love.

As for the situation at hand, I really don't know how long it takes for women to be ready for sex but no one is ready for marriage by 18. Not being ready is ok. For example if she feels that she isn't ready for a serious relationship or isn't sure about her feelings for him. I'm a bit worried though that she is confused by fear of some ridiculous social stigma.