Am I in love or am I afraid to be alone?

[clement]

Forgive me for this being a little long winded but I know that I am the only one that can make this decision. All that I am really seeking is just some advice.

I am 21 year old male and have been dating a 27 year old female for over a year. I would consider her to be my first real relationship. She has an unruly, but gorgeous 4 year old daughter from a previous marriage. We met when I was 20 and from the start the age difference between us was somewhat frowned upon. (6 years) I was too young is what she was told by her friends and family. First off, I consider myself to be very mature and wise beyond my years.

Once I got to know her family they began to take a strong liking towards me as they could see that I wasn’t a dead beat just looking for sex. Now at the beginning of the relationship she was dating another guy who wouldn’t give her the time or attention she so strongly desired. Needless to say, she left him for me. Everything was great at first, the conversations and the sex. She held me up so high and would literally do anything for me. I felt this strong bond towards her as well as attraction. Within a few months of dating we decided to move in together with her daughter in an apartment.
As far as the 4 year old goes, her real father is still in her life and they have shared custody. I was raised by my mother and stepfather. My real father was never really in my life so I have no objection in helping raise a child that isn’t technically mine.

After a while of moving in with her, I started feeling trapped and resentful. I felt that perhaps I was missing out on my “young years” and that this sort of commitment was something that I wasn’t ready for. She had already lived those years of partying and I would say she got it out of her system. I kept these feelings to myself however as I did not want to frighten her. I know that I shouldn’t get jealous over someone’s past and that I should love the person for who they are.

She would tell me every day that I was the best thing to happen to her and her daughter. I feel that she loved my unconditionally. I know she loved me unconditionally because I made the stupid mistake of cheating on her with someone at a party. I confessed what I had done and moved out on my own accord. I wanted to leave in the beginning. It was as if I got tired and restless of my situation. She begged me to come back and said that she forgave me for what I had done. I truly believe that she did forgive. This girl that I had met for one night was nothing special. I did not have any sort of emotional attachment whatsoever.

We ended up breaking the lease at our apartment and I moved back on my own. It was as if I didn’t want the commitment anymore, so I simply abandoned them. She was completely miserable and alone. The feeling that I had such a negative impact on someone’s life is unbearable at times. Do I feel bad because I feel guilty or because I still love her? She started seeing this other guy to get her mind off of me (how she put it). Honestly I became somewhat jealous and began to wonder if I really wanted to be alone and without her. I ended up getting back with her out of guilt and scared of being alone. I felt almost as if she was a ‘good catch’ and someone who is genuinely an honest and good person. I thought that the chances of me finding someone just like her would be impossible once more.

Everything seemed okay for the following month after we got back together. I began to feel the same feelings of resentment though. I left her again, this time for good. She wants to be friends still. So we have begun this relationship of being friends with benefits. I know that eventually she will start seeing someone else. I shouldn’t expect her not to.

She has sent me numerous calls and emails begging/pleading that I come back. She says that she knows I am the one for her. She has even told me that she understands how I feel and what I am going through. As messed up as it sounds, she has said that she will wait for me when I am ready. Even if it is years down the road. She says that if she ever meets someone and decides to get married, that if I show up at the wedding, I could still steal her away once more. Is this truly love or an obsession?

What do I do? Will someone else ever love me unconditionally again? I know that there is more to life than just sex and attaining the so called experiences. I feel like my life can go in two directions. Either I stay with her and resent her and her daughter later on, or I leave her and potentially throw away the love of my life. Am I being a fool for wanting to experience something else and new that I know could potentially lead me to regret? Why do I have to be young and stupid?

[WHUDAFUXUP]

Honestly, I think you are not as mature and wise beyond your years. She is obviously ready to have a stable life and you are still deciding what to do, 6 years isn't a big deal, the big deal is when those 6 years take place.

She definitely loves you and wants you to be there but you're not ready. This might of been "the one" but not right now sadly.

I say stop playing with her and let her find a man that is ready for the long commitment to a long healthy relationship, a step daughter and the creation of a family.

[SAVANAH]

I agree, you not ready for this, go out and live your life, there's lots of other girls, just don't try to break up any of her future relationships because you "came to your senses".

Leave her and move on, its what you want and I think deep down you know it but want your bread buttered both sides, hence 'friends with benefits' and yes you being selfish as you not putting her best interests at heart, how she supposed to get over you when you two are technically still involved?

Just move on and live your life you young and deserve it but don't mess up her life when you had enough of the 'young life'...
Leave her now and say good bye, it's selfish to ask her to wait for you, least you can do is give her the space to move on, and find someone that is ready for what she's looking for, if you love her at all you'd have done this long ago, love is not selfish, remember that before you claim to love someone again.

And don't look at this as a bad thing, lots of good can come from it and you might feel what true love is like, not what you feeling now, you'd know if you were inlove, its not something you can't decide on, so I'd say you've got lots to look forward to.

Good Luck

[s_b]

If you love her and truly are "wise beyond your years" you'll let her go to find a guy who wouldn't feel "resentful" being with her after a couple of months.

I don't think at this time/age in your life you'll be happy if you stay with her and this will eventually make HER unhappy. You can't give her what she wants. Don't be selfish and play with her emotions - man it up and do the right thing, let her find the guy that will make her happy.

[Bumble_bee]

coming and going every five minutes is not the actions of a man who is either 'wise 'beyond their years' or 'helping raise a child'

pffft...

[lastwish]

I think IT IS wise to want to experience your "young years" before you settle down. You two are in different phases of your life. She already has a daughter and want to settle down into family life. You on the other hand has a whole life ahead of you. It is not a good idea to get attached to another person when you're not even happy with yourself and your own life. And don't worry about her. She will find another man and once she is happy with her new man, she would NOT want you to steal her away in her future wedding.

[Yggdrasil]

I think you confuse your immaturity and her needyness for love.

This woman is needy, there's no doubt about that.

And you are very immature and have a lot of growing to do. You sure don't have the skills required for a long, stable, healthy and commited relation.

My advice: do the right thing and stop enabling her. Live your life, let her live hers.

Don't be with someone because you feel sorry for them or because they guiltrip you back into the relation by tears and pleas.

[LoveHurts09]

she just sounds scared of being alone and just says anything to keep u with her, sorry but u arent the love of her life...
go live ur life and u will both move on and be quite happy despite the short term missgivings.

[damn2008]

I agree...age can typically NOT be a factor but it IS when you are both at different points in your life. You being 21, you just want to get out there and enjoy life and that's what being 21 is all about. You won't think about settling down for the next few years!

As much as it hurts, just move on buddy and enjoy your early 20's. It'll be less heartache for the both of you in the near future.