Feeling a bit heartbroken and don't know what to do. Any advice greatly appreciated.

[elizabeth89]

Hi everyone,

I'm new to this forum. I am seeking advice from anyone because I feel quite helpless and don't know what to do.

I met my amazing boyfriend 2 years ago in Europe. I'm from the USA and he's from another English speaking country on the opposite side of the world. We both worked in Europe as English teachers for a year! Then we flew to the USA so we could look for a job for my boyfriend as we weren't ready for marriage. We thought it would be nearly impossible but what do you know, we found a company to sponsor him! He went home to his home country in December for 3 months to apply for his visa. I also joined him in January 2012 for 2 months to meet his family! Please note, I also spent a year in his home country in 2009 so I know what it's like to live there etc.

We both came back to the USA together in March 2012 and he started his new job. I am finishing up my degree at the moment and have 3 years left. We both live with my parents because of financial reasons. I'm an only child and my parents bought a big house thinking they'd have more children but didn't They're more than happy to have us and we get along with them very well. My boyfriend and I are religious and sleep in separate parts of the house. We've never slept together.

In short, my boyfriend and I absolutely love and care for each other very much. I couldn't imagine being with anyone else and neither could he. I am 23 and he is 27 so we're not too young or naieve. We have both casually dated before but we are each other's first true love. I would do anything for him..... almost.

The past year we started discussing our future. Naturally, I want to settle down in my country and he wants to settle down in his country. This is a problem!

We go back and forth all the time. First we have slept well, in a super good mood, and feel so happy about our relationship and have discussed getting married next July 2013 in his home country. We thought it might be possible to take turns living in each other's countries every 5 years. My parents have a big house and an apartment on the first floor they don't use. His parents have a huge house in his country and also have an apartment on their first floor we could use. We are very simple people and thought we could save money by living with our parents (we both love and get along with our parents and they love having us in both countries) plus we'd still have our own floor and apartment more or less. We'd of course help around the house pay for bills etc. There's two bedrooms on each bottom floor so if we ever had a child etc it would be OK. But what it has come down to is, would we be happy moving back and forth? He makes a good income and so would I after I get my degree. We both have job connections in each country. If we are just working to live we don't need to worry about making 200,000/year. We could easily even survive working at a grocery store. We are so good with money and very simple people who don't require much except necessities. Most of our money would go to bills and buying plane tickets to visit whoevers family every year.

But often times my boyfriend agrees to this plan when he is happy and well rested then when he comes home from work homesick, tired, he starts having doubts and isn't sure if he wants to stay in the USA for even the next 3 years when I finish my degree. He said he cares about me but it's hard. I'm not sure if I should take his doubts seriously and be less selfish, break up with him, and have him go home. I don't even know if he could follow through with breaking up with me but I just know I love him way too much to ever leave him. But I also can't leave my family right now because I need to earn my degree. My family has already paid for my university and my boyfriend is 4 years older than me and has already graduated...

I just don't know what to do. Could you imagine moving back and forth between two countries every 5 years? How would your family feel? Your parents? Would you feel guilty? Would you just break up with your foreign boyfriend because you don't see it working out?

I just love him so much I don't know what I'd do without him......Today we were having a discussion and he was really tired. He said "Why should we be together? You want to live in the USA with your family and I want to live in my country on the opposite side of the world with my family. Why put each other through all this homesickness and just break up?" When he is tired he says things are true but he knows I'm not goin to go anywhere and he knows how much I care for him. I understand his thoughts but said "I really love you and I would rather sacrifice living abroad every 5 years than not be with you. You mean a lot to me" And it just seems like a never ending vicious cycle.. :-(


I also thought moving back and forth would be cool for any future children because they get to experience both families and cultures. It's kind of like military except they'd have grandparents in both countries. I just don't know if my boyfriend could move back and forth every 5 years. I do know I couldn't live in his country forever. I have lived abroad so I know what it's like but I would never want to permanently leave my home. I told my boyfriend I wouldn't mind retiring in his country after the children are grown up. More than likely, sad to think, my parents wouldn't be around......

Sorry for long post but thank you for any advice.

[elizabeth89]

Hmmm any thoughts?

[Saya]

You two wants different things with living condition....what if you two decided to do this and get married, have children and your partner decided that he didn't want to move back and force to USA and to his country?
Do you really think that it is really good thing for your future child/children? Going back to two different country and changing school.... possibly losing friends too....
My parents are divorced and they live in the different country and it was really hard for my brothers and I to see one of the parents since they live in different country.

I'm from Australia, but my parents isn't...I was with my ex for 4years and we were thinking about marriage, but I told him that one day, I would like to move some years back to my own country and then move back to AU....but he said no... not because he can't get a job over there...he said he just wouldn't able to do that because he was really close to his family.
So...the relationship wouldn't work out so we ended up ending the relationship.