Dating again (realistically)

[LilacMoon]

After having a few horrendous (emotional and/or physically abusive) brief but intense relationships as a teenager (with terrible abusive guys), and witnessing how my father (constantly) mistreated and abused my mother my entire childhood growing up, over the years I've accumulated a fairly good list of all the things I DON'T want in a partner. (the knowledge of recognizing many of the 'red flags' if you will) .

However, now I consider myself in a much better 'place', living on my own, completely out of that toxic atmosphere, and thoroughly enjoying a very fulfilling career that I personally carved out for myself. The past few years I have made this my primary focus (and it will always be a top priority, as: a) I would never be reliant on anyone else to financially support me, and b) because I am proud of what I do and actually enjoy doing it.)

Of course it'd be nice to share it (at least sometimes) with someone else. I have intentionally avoided the dating scene (even casual dates) the past few years (yes, years) to concentrate on my work. But I now feel comfortable and confident enough with myself and my life to get back out there and share myself with a deserving person.

I know that there are nice guys out there ( I am even friends with a few ), however I am still very cautious (as my automatic reflex to 'mistrust' men in general is still pretty strong regardless of where I am or who I'm with).

I've had a few of these (seemingly) overall nice, grounded, down-to-earth guys ask me out, which is very flattering, but I basically friendzone them because I need to take the time to get to know them better before I could consider really dating any of them.

One guy in particular that I do truly, really like and am attracted to (more than a friend) is very sweet, intelligent, polite, gorgeous, has a steady job and also happens to be extremely tight with his family.

He is a very happy-go-lucky guy (and is also 10 yrs younger than me).

He is the one that I would most consider dating, but knowing how HUGE of a part his family is in his life (he visits or talks to them almost every weekend, they vacation together and he has an overall great relationship with his parents and isn't shy talking about it), it is all pretty intimidating to me, and is completely foreign territory.

I know he likes me a lot and respects me, and he does not seem like the judgmental type. But he also has no idea about how I grew up, my past experiences or anything negative like that ( and I would prefer not to divulge all that info... ever). He puts me on a pedestal (for whatever reason), and it's a nice feeling to know someone thinks of you that way.

I know if we dated he would eventually want to meet someone (as he is so proud of his own family which I have already met several times and they genuinely seem like really lovely people).

**My question is, how do you break it to a person like this (that has never really been through anything 'dark' or traumatic family/relationship-related like I have in their entire lives), that a) I'm not close to any biological family members and b) he won't be meeting anyone (related to me). ... ever ...?

I know this would eventually come up and when I say something simple but vague like, "we're not close" (in regards to my parents), that he would likely 'respect' it, but have absolutely no idea what that sentence actually means. (because he can't relate to it, at all). He would just be completely bewildered.

(My friends and a few people I have met through my work are the only people I personally consider 'family'.)

I know a guy like this could be really good for me, but I'm afraid even if he doesn't judge me his parents could/will, (if we started dating) and since they are so close, their opinions of me would have an inevitable impact on him).

I am not going to lie and pretend to be chummy with either of my parents for the sake of an image (or even stoop to entertain that idea). But I also feel no need nor desire to dump a load of unnecessary tmi about my past that is exactly that - the past.

So it seems like it shouldn't matter. But (to many people, esp guys), it seems it does.

SO many guys (in real life and on dating sites), always say they look for girls who '... come from a good family'.

Why do men/society allow their perceptions of women to be influenced so strongly by this factor, when [this factor], in reality, is something the girl/woman had absolutely no control over whatsoever?

Why not just get to know the person as an individual and then make your judgments based on that (and that alone)?

I am trying not to be too pessimistic about this, but when this type of thing is so seemingly prevalent, it is hard to just brush aside and ignore it.

I know I am far from perfect, but I do not feel 'broken' or 'damaged'. I believe my past and past experiences have made made me a tougher, wiser, stronger, more aware person, and feel more empowered now than I ever have in any other stage of my life.

So I have no interest in playing the 'victim' card or fishing for sympathy (from anyone - romantic, platonic or otherwise).

(Yes, it's part of my past, but my past does not define me. - Myself and my actions define me).

I feel like if you are ever to be truly close to someone, you have to be able to (eventually) open up and be honest ( at least to some degree ).

But for those people out there who have never experienced or gone through something (like you have), doesn't that inevitably alter their perception of you ? it just seems unfair to ultimately be judged / 'punished' (or continue to be 'punished') [to a degree] for things that were never your fault or choice in the first place.


honest insight? thoughts?

(sorry for the rambling as this is such a loaded post, but these topics are pretty intertwined, at least to me) thanx for reading.

[basilandthyme]

I'm a woman and I'd avoid a man who doesn't come from a strong family background. The reason? Terrible parents can and do break children. The terrible role modelling can last a lifetime - both in the way a partner is treated and the kids of the are raised. Not only that, but if the parents are still shitty, then that shit is going to be an ongoing problem for me and our kids.

My decision is not about judging or punishing the person who was raised badly. It's simply a reflection of not being one to gamble against the odds.

I'm so glad you beat the odds and became a strong woman. But if I had a dollar for every person who writes here or who I know in real life who say things like "I have x & y issues because mum did this and dad did that" then I'd be a wealthy woman. Fact is, there are a lot of people who either stay dysfunctional or make a part recovery but continue referring back to the parents each time the issue raises it's head.

Your words are very rare to read. And I wish many damaged kids could make your progress and recovery. But sadly, many don't.

[LilacMoon]

Thank you for sharing your honest insight. I totally get what you mean.

I think it also more dangerous (for a woman) to get involved with a guy with these types of issues because she is the one more likely to get 'stuck' / trapped (either because of kids, lack of sufficient income, etc)... as you've mentioned, so I can see where that would be something you'd really try to avoid. It's not worth the long-term risks.

However, everyone is different, and I'd like to think that there are other people out there (men and women) who beat the odds and choose to make and create a better, healthy, independent life for themselves (despite their past).

**~* Thank you *~** for taking the time to share your personal insight. I really appreciate it!