Total Friend Mistake Help!

[lostinconfusion]

OK so i've been brooding over this for two days and i can't figure out and i'm going insane so please help.

i have this great friend. he is part of my super close "group" of friends from high school (know him for 5 years). originally i know him because he dated my friend, but they had a totally calm break up ( they are both very calm sort of unemotional people) 3 years ago and he stayed friends with us and part of the "group". trying not to make this too long, but i was actually the one who wouldn't allow for him to be dropped after they broke up even though our other friends considered him just our friend's ex at first. so over the last 3 years he has become one of my two best friends.

ok so that was the back story. now to what happened. for a long time now he has been very flirty with me, and sometimes sort of touchy. i felt weird about it first considering his history with my other friend. but no one seemed to notice, her either. so over time we became very flirty and when i drink i get generally touchy with everyone including girls :-p. we've spend a lot of time hanging out alone, and nothing happened but we would get very touchy, especially him. so the other night we were drinking at my friends place and i lay down on the couch and closed my eyes and i felt him lay down next to me and we cuddled a bit. we ended up walking home alone. and again me drunk means i want to pretty much kiss and touch everyone but i control it very well. but this time i decided to let myself go.

now i'm not romantically interested in him and i never got the notion that he wanted to date me either. but it seemed to me like we had this sexual chemistry for the longest time. on the walk we ended up stopping at a park and sitting around talking about random things and again all this touchiness and flirtiness. we were sitting on the floor facing each other with our feet tip to tip and he took my legs and put them around him and pulled me closer. SO i decided to make a move and see what happens. in a very suggestive way i led the conversation into me saying "i'm so horrible i can do something that can complicate everything" and he said " oh yea, and what would that be" SO i kissed him. we made out for a few minutes. i wanted to make sure he didn't think i expected anything so i said " don't worry this doesn't mean anything i just think we have this sexual chemistry" and he said "i know this doesn't man anything" so we made out some more. but when we were done kissing he suddenly got weird and distant and wouldn't really look at me. i felt so embarrassed. we went back to him walking me home and on the way we passed by the house of his insane ex girlfriend from high school who he dated for like a week and didn't do anything with. and he suddenly said " lets walk faster cause who knows she might jump out and try to kiss me". again i felt so embarrassed like he said it to make me feel like i attacked him. when we were saying bye i said " i'm so sorry if i did anything that made you uncomfortable" and he said " you didn't make me uncomfortable" but that was it, nothing good either. the next morning he messaged me saying again " don't worry about yesterday, you didn't make me uncomfortable so don't feel bad/guilty" i acted the whole thing off like i didn't make me feel bad or anything with a bunch of "lols" and we hung out in the evening with our group and he drove me home. we talked and joked like nothing happend. and now it seems like it's behind us BUT i still don't understand what happend????

why would he be so flirtatious if he didn't want anything to happend. why would he lead me on like that and then make me feel like i raped him or something. i'm so confused. i'm not mad at him because he's a great friend and i don't want any weirdness between us. but every time i'm with him now i feel so hurt and embarrassed no matter how well i hide it. i know this is horribly long. but if someone actually made it this far please help :-(

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Sounds to me like you both agreed that it meant nothing, but afterward it really did and it was awkward.

Everything you said leading up to the walk suggests there is an attraction between you two, you even stated it in plain English. Why did you disqualify your feelings before kissing him? If he does like you, and it sounds like he does, he was probably a little confused/hurt that you felt the need to say "this means nothing" to him. Since he likes you, or at least feels the attraction, he was quick to agree that it meant nothing when he really does have feelings for you.

That's just speculation based on what I've read. Sounds like rather than avoiding what's going on, you two should talk about it an decide what really happened.