Relationship Problem

[JMP105]

I'll try to keep this from being too long. I'm pretty torn up about this. I'm 25 and have been dating my girlfriend for nearly 3 years. About a month ago, she left for a trip to another country to visit friends and just enjoy the travel experience. She gets back in mid-December. We were very much in love and frankly, I still love her so much. I guess that's why it hurts.

Yesterday, I saw a post on her facebook by a guy that said "Had an amazing night with you last night. I hope to see you again. xx" I saw this and thought, well.. maybe they just danced or something. But it was taken down about an hour later which I can only conclude she deleted it and didn't want me to see it. This made me kind of go "wtf?" I realized her facebook password was saved on my computer and I logged in. I really didn't do too much snooping, but the second message in her inbox was her messaging some French guy (a different guy than the previously mentioned), "I'm feeling very horny at this moment. I thought of you. wanted to say hello. Where are you right now?" He responded on how he was now in a different city and he was excited to meet again in a different city that they had planned on.

Now, I need to clarify that a few days ago, we were chatting and because the past month or two before she left we had been getting into some minor/small fights, we decided to break up until she got home and meet other people. She wanted to get back together when she got home though. So she has been in this other country for a month and we decided to do this via internet-chat a few days ago. That was just a few days ago though and this message was 10 days after her being in the other country. TEN DAYS. Almost 3 weeks before we "broke up." She was bawling before she left about how she would miss me. I feel so hurt and so betrayed. I don't think I can ever forgive her for this. This was the woman I wanted to spend my life with. I wanted to raise a family with her. I still love her and that's what hurts the most. How many other guys have there been? I know she's been going to the bars in this other country near every night. How many more guys will there be? How many guys did she sleep around with when she was here with me in town.

Before she left, she hid sticky notes all over my room proclaiming her undying love for me and how she wanted to grow old with me and how I was the best thing in her life. I'm staring at these now and I'm just speechless. I think I'm going to burn them.

A large part of me hopes she comes crying to me asking for forgiveness, but even if she does, I really don't think I could ever trust her again. What do you guys think? Am I overreacting because it was fairly close to us taking a break while she was out of town. I guess because we were supposedly still dating at the time, that's why I'm truly upset.

[JMP105]

I'm not going to send this, but I wrote this just to help me sort my thoughts out:

I saw a post on your wall that was semi-provocative and then I realized later you had deleted it. This made me think, "why else would she delete it except if she didn't want me to see it?" (talking about the night before and how amazing it was). I then realized your facebook password was saved on my computer for some reason. I logged in and just looked at some recent messages. Low and behold the attached image is what I found. ***HerName***..... How many others have there been? How many have there been here in ***OurCurrentTown***? Thanks for the reassuring words that the guys there aren't appealing to you! I wasn't sure if we would get back together when you came home, but a large part of me was hopeful that we would because I thought we had something special, a once-in-a-life kind of relationship.

I feel so betrayed and really, just utterly heartbroken. I don't think I can ever forgive you for this. Yes, we were going through some tough times, but I thought you loved me. How could you do this to me? What was all that crap about that you wrote on the ~20 sticky notes hidden around my room proclaiming your love for me? I'm hurt, angry, and I just feel rejected. Thrown out like a piece of trash. If this had happened after we broke up, I might be more understanding, but 10 days in a different country and you sleep with another man? How could you? I'll be taking your stuff to your parents and saying goodbye to them.

Goodbye,
***myname***

[JMP105]

Here's our little chat we had about taking the break. Look, I would be 200% more understanding if she had slept with this guy after we had this conversation, but it was 3 weeks prior! We had been having some issues, and I think a break would be good for us. Gah, I'm just confusing myself now. I'm starting to blame myself, that's no good. I think I'm going to go for a run to clear my mind.

Me: So.. I gotta ask. Do you miss me?
Her: Well to be honest... I think me just being alone, not knowing anyone, relying on myself... Is good for me. I miss u, but I wasn't very happy before I left. I think this is a good time for us to take a lil break.
I very much enjoy talking to u and of course I miss u, but I need to find myself a little I think
Me: I understand
and I agree.
Her: I care for u, very much...
Me: and I for you, but you're right.. things weren't going that well and I think both of us were unhappy.
I guess let's just take this time for us to have a break and just see how it turns out
Her: Agreed
Me: It does make me sad to think of being without you.
Her: I have the same problem. But I think were apart already... We need some time. Don't be afraid to talk to me, of course.
I still want to hear from u. I still want to talk to u.

[eonbar]

mate, that really does suck. i feel really sorry for you and i know it really ****ing hurts. theres not much that people can say when your feeling how your feeling, theres not much people can say to make you feel better, and theres nothing which people can say which you can truly take to heart as no one knows more than what you've said.

saying that i guess i've kinda been through the same kinda thing. I was with a girl who i loved so much and it was mutual from her too. it felt stupid asking her to marry me when we were so young, but i wanted to ask her that if we were still together in 5 years if she'd consider marrying me. anyway, she goes off and kisses someone when she was paralytically drunk. either way, it broke my heart, and because of this she said that she couldn't be with me. It really hurts but you need to ask yourself some important questions... the physically cheating on you part is inconsequential in my eyes to be honest, its the REASONS and motivation behind why people cheat that you need to look at. I was with my GF in NYC for an amazing 10 day holiday where she said she loved me 10 times a day, hugged and kissed me all the time, literally like you see in the movies ... perfect, but then back for a week, kisses this guy and thats it.... my whole life came crashing down.

i would suggest the following because i think i emphathise with you...

Don't say that you went through her facebook. irrespective of the outcome when she tells everyone that you looked through her account you'll come off worse. Instead talk to her about the message on the Wall and ask if anyones sent her anything in her PM. if she lies then thats a whole different ball game. why would she lie? thats not someone you wanna be with.

second, there may be some massive misunderstanding. you need to speak to her and get the facts. theres language barriers etc you need to contend with. the french guy may have just been saying she was hot, which is fair play. not her fault. dont go accusing her of shagging some lad when you dont know it for sure.

try and remain level headed. its difficult but it really helps. i called up my ex today about coffee tomorrow, and cos i was a little unstable at the time i ended up saying i never wanted to see her again, which i regretted within the hour. try and be mature about it, dont swear or shout ... its the hardest thing in the world, but if its something worth saving its worth trying to remain calm over.

at the end of the day if it'll work, it'll work. i still love my GF and i know she still loves me. we just can't be together right now. if it works later down the road then it'll work, but if not then its best to leave it as good as you can without destroying each other ... if you truly loved her then it should be unconditional and even if she cheated on you, even if she doesn't wanna be with you ... then you should do what's best for her irrespective of how much it hurts you.

i dunno if this has helped. it a shit situation your in. i dunno what else to say apart from im so sorry this has happened....

[JMP105]

Thanks for the feedback. She was the one who sent that "horny" message to him though I'm just going to play it cool. I'll try to limit my contact with her and really, I'm not even going to bring this up for a while, possibly until she gets back. I'm not sure how to do it. Our lives were just so connected. Her stuff is all over my apartment, half of the things I own are things she bought me. Like you said, it's just a shit situation. Time will make it better I suppose.