New Relationship - Major anxiety and over analyzing. Could use a little help.

[croupier99]

Hi,

New to the forum, so many great posters with great advice I have read that I wanted to post my issue and hope to get some assistance.

I have been dating a girl for a little over a month, I am 30, she is 25. We go out once, sometimes twice a week. Great dates, from going to the theater, to romantic dinners at my house. 8 or 9 dates so far. We have slept together 3 times, and the sex was great and healthy and comfortable. We have tons in common, and while sometimes she has had to turn down a date or two, she has either suggested a different day or she said yes to the next one. She has never canceled a date, and not a single date has gone badly, it has just been great on that front.

Now the problems. From the beginning, we only communicate outside our dates through texting and emails, we've used the phone maybe once at the beginning. The conversations are almost always started by me, but she never fails to reply. And she even initiated the conversation about 2 weeks ago that we shouldn't see other people.

Here are the issues that are causing me to feel anxious and frustrated.

1) She has never asked me on a date. Not once. I am very assertive and always have a plan, and always ask her out. But I really wish she would ask me to do something, at least once.

2) She almost never initiates conversations (texts or emails), I start them 90% of the time. Again, I have been good about not over contacting her and also not let on that I wish we had more contact with each other. I don't want to be clingy, but I wish we could communicate more often. I'd say something, but she mentioned the last guy she dated was always complaining about her not be affectionate enough and being to clingy, so I avoid it.

3) I initiate everything physically. She is receptive to it all, and has never really rebuffed me. When I grab her hand, she holds it. When I kiss her, she kisses me back. When we make love, it is mutual. When we cuddle, I do most of the work, and like I said, I initiate everything.

Basically, the problem is, I have flipped for this girl. She is on my brain all day long. I am constantly analyzing what I am saying, emailing, or planning for dates. She never sees any of this, and while my stomach does flips, I am actually a very confident man, and know how to hide and control what I am feeling. But it is causing in my head, my feelings to get hurt that she isn't obsessing over me constantly. I know that is unhealthy, and this isn't her fault. This is my problem, she has really done nothing wrong, except I wish she was more aggressive with contact and communication. But she hasn't lied about it.

She has yet to tell me how she feels about me, and that has caused anxiety too. She is highly attractive, model level attractive, and she and everyone knows it. Which is a bit intimidating to me, cause I would just call myself your average guy.

All of this has caused, as you can read from me posting here, a shot to my usually high confidence. I am insecure with her, and I am not sure if she likes me, even though all her actions say she does. I just need advice on how to handle all this. Do some women just like to have the guy do all the calling and asking out? If she didn't like me, why would we be having such great sex, and why would she keep saying yes to our dates, and keep answering all my communication?

Thanks for taking the time.

[vashti]

Do some women just like to have the guy do all the calling and asking out?

Of course! This is what traditional dating looks like. She's letting you be the boy.

If she didn't like me, why would we be having such great sex, and why would she keep saying yes to our dates, and keep answering all my communication?

She likes you.

[Rollerderby]

If she didn't like you, she wouldn't hang out with you, talk to you, have sex with you, and tell you she wants to see only you.

Who cares who initiates it? Vash is right, the boy needs to be the boy. She probably isn't "flipping" because she feels secure in you liking her.

If you want to know how she feels about you, why don't you ask her?

[croupier99]

Obviously you are both right,thanks. I have no idea why I am being so irrational. I guess that is the way it works sometimes. I have done a good job of being the man and making contact and firm plans for dates, that after a while you feel like you've put yourself way out there and they haven't had to do quite as much work.

I wish I felt as comfortable, for whatever reason, I keep waiting for her to lose interest. She seems so much more confident in our relationship then I feel. But then again, she has no idea I am having this much anxiety over it.

I wish it was easier.

[Gigabitch]

Wow. Look, everybody: it's the boy version of me!

Croup, relax before you blow it. Really. I do this kind of crap to my poor husband all the time, all this drama and concern over the smallest things. I, however, am fortunate enough to be with someone who tolerates my neurotic behavior. You are not. She's already made a point of mentioning to you that neediness irks her.

Do whatever you have to do to keep up that confidence. Log on here and moan about it twelve times a day. Annoy us rather than her. A woman like that does NOT want someone girlier than herself or she'd be out there taking Portia deRossi away from Ellen DeGeneres.

[croupier99]

Wow. Look, everybody: it's the boy version of me!

Croup, relax before you blow it. Really. I do this kind of crap to my poor husband all the time, all this drama and concern over the smallest things. I, however, am fortunate enough to be with someone who tolerates my neurotic behavior. You are not. She's already made a point of mentioning to you that neediness irks her.

Do whatever you have to do to keep up that confidence. Log on here and moan about it twelve times a day. Annoy us rather than her. A woman like that does NOT want someone girlier than herself or she'd be out there taking Portia deRossi away from Ellen DeGeneres.

LOL!!! That is great. Totally agree, and that is why I posted here. I knew if I didn't start letting out my feelings somewhere, I would break down at some point and let it out on her. Which I know would pretty much be the end of it. One of the compliments she does give me is how in control of everything I am. She has no idea that I am struggling with my self-esteem with her. If she found out, her attraction would drop I am sure.

GOD I am so glad I posted this, I actually already feel better.

Especially the line about drama over little things. Example of that: "Reading your texts and worrying that because her text wasn't as long as your text, she is losing interest"

I'm being such an idiot. I think getting involved in other conversations here will help as well.

[Gigabitch]

Are you sure you don't have a vagina? You really do sound EXACTLY like me.

have you always been like this, or is it just with her?

[Aeradalia]

Are you sure you don't have a vagina?

He doesn't have a vagina... because my guy acts like that from time to time and I know for a fact he doesn't have a vagina.

[croupier99]

Are you sure you don't have a vagina? You really do sound EXACTLY like me.

have you always been like this, or is it just with her?

I have been like this before, but its been a long time. In the few instances, it was almost always cause I had been put in the Friends Zone and its been a crush that didn't like me back in my early 20s. The last 5 girlfriends I have had, I was in full control of myself, and I honestly thought I had learned from my 20s never to get this way. lol

This is the first time time I have gone through this anxiety with someone that is actually into me. I honestly thought when we were intimate, that my fears would subside, but no matter how great we are when we are together, the anxiety comes back when she leaves my house.

And its even worse cause I am so scared she is going to find out about this problem I am having.

[croupier99]

He doesn't have a vagina... because my guy acts like that from time to time and I know for a fact he doesn't have a vagina.

Does he talk about it with you, or do you just notice it naturally in his behavior when he gets that way?

[Aeradalia]

Does he talk about it with you, or do you just notice it naturally in his behavior when he gets that way?

A little bit of both... most of the time he is very open with how he feels. Other times he becomes reserved or will try to attribute his behavior to some other cause. I'll just call him out on it when he tries to convince me his behavior doesn't stem from an insecurity.

Luckily, he's become more apt to just admit, than drag it out into something seemingly political.

[Rollerderby]

I think it's a bit of a cycle. You are nervous, and then get worried you have to hide it because if she knows you are nervous, it might make her leave, thus you get nervous again.

Just realize, you have full control over this. You can be nervous, or you can relax, it's all in your head. Good luck.