difficult situation!

[rj13]

hi there,

I was finally convinced to move to this city a few months ago. My friends have been trying to get me to move here for the last two years, and finally, I was convinced by a lady friend of mine that I had met here about a year and a half ago.

I moved in with this lady friend as room-mates, and it was immediately apparent that we wanted to spend most of our time together. I've never felt that I've had so much in common with anyone before. It was a situation that I was weary of, because her relationship had ended previously with another friend of mine. But, after about twelve weeks, it ended up happening. Suddenly, we fell in love with each other, and could no longer hold it back. The next week was so amazing, special, magical, and all that good stuff. Unfortunately, the previous boyfriend (who is a good friend) found out without either of us telling him, and freaked. The morning that he came over, we had had the most romantic time together yet. It felt that our relationship was flourishing, and evolving at a huge rate. We were so happy, until the moment he came to talk to her. After about ten minutes of talking to her, she came back crying her eyes out, and said that she couldn't be with me anymore.

I've always found the ex-boyfriend to be rather manipulative in situations where I believe that others are used to fulfill his own desires. He's has many wonderful qualities, but this particular aspect has always been extremely challenging to me. He is an obsessive workaholic, and is working on some project or another, every single hour that he isn't sleeping or at work. He refused to give her any time together, and couldn't guarantee even a weekly get together, which may or may not include intimacy, based on his decision. She had been extremely depressed over this, and began skipping classes at the end of the last semester. Now, I believe that he has coaxed her into believing that she needs to have all that time to herself with no commitments, in order to become a successful person. The ex-boyfriend is also one to maliciously misquote, and twist information endlessly in his favor, when relaying information. Therefore, I have very little trust in that department. The three of us have not sat down together to talk about it.

After she had talked to him for a while, she told me that she had to talk to me, and told me she couldn't have a relationship with me. Then she asked me if I was clear on where she stood, and I hesitantly replied yes at the time. The she had to go right back upstairs to call him, and tell him how the discussion went. I was never clear, because there was no clear explanation of such a wonderful thing, suddenly becoming something that couldn't happen. The ex-boyfriend has specifically said that he is still willing to NOT give any time or energy to her, yet he keeps her so hopeful, and it makes her disappointed. Now she is relying on me for companionship, which she doesn't get from this guy. It seems as though he is harshly asserting his own power in this situation, to get her to wait for him for many years, as opposed to moving on to a new relationship.

I brought up the trust issue to him, and he became very defensive. It was extremely difficult to tell him this, and I warned him that he may not respond well, which he didn't. He would then not allow me to finish a single sentence, and insisted that he wanted to spend his life with her, even though he has absolutely zero time for her.

I am so in love with this girl .... I've only felt so complimented by one other person in my life, and that was seven years ago. She's incredible to me. She was so excited about us during our relationship time, that she couldn't help but tell some of our closest friends, who were all very happy for us.

It does not make sense to me why she is so indecisively hanging on to this guy. It does not make sense to me, why she could go instantly from being completely sure about it, to saying it can't happen, after having these talks with her ex-boyfriend. It is not even clear if she is single or not.

This continues to be the most difficult experience of my life so far. I am 24 years old. Any thoughts on the matter are well appreciated. If you have any questions about certain details, please ask. My ultimate desire is to convince her to allow a chance for our relationship.

Thank You!

[Harte]

RJ what I'm getting is boy is she in a great position, 2 guys fighting over her. Is it possible that she brought you into the scenario to try and force him to take a stand regarding her relationship? Or a last ditch effort to save this guy as a boyfriend?

[Calli]

Im no relationship expert or anything like that so you might want to take what i say with a pinch of salt. I've been in a three way relationship twice before where the girl has had a boyfreind and the only thing you can do is really not pressure her, bombard her with texts or your feelings it will push her away an you'll look needy if you've done that already then it's fine I'd just text her like "sorry about the texts I sent, my head was abit all over the place do what ever makes you happy x" say something along them lines then what i would do (but you live with this girl right) i would personally cut contact for a week then text her something random, give her time to miss you she wont miss you if your always there make her understand that she will loose you.

If you cant cut contact because you live with her (i didnt read your wall of text thoroughly) i'd take a break ask a mate if you can stay over a few days to clear your head just dont speak to her.

[Gigabitch]

He's not her ex-boyfriend. He's her boyfriend. I don't care what the two of them call it.

Their relationship sucks and there's not a thing you can do about it until she realizes what a jerk he is. Unfortunately, because of the position you're in, she won't hear a word against him from you.

I know this isn't what you want to hear right now, but the best thing you can do is back way off. She is simply unavailable.