I told my wife she can sleep with other men if it makes her happy.Is this gonna work?

[PawlsToTheWall]

First, know that we have 2 children together. Also, she is a beautiful and very alluring woman who men chase after.

Our relationship has been terrible for the past 3 years, and I finally figured out why. I read her facebook messages and learned that she has these desires to be with other men sexually. Not emotionally, strictly sexually. We had split up just before this, but when I told her I read her messages and told her it was ok to sleep with other men as long as she told me about it, SHE JUMPED ON ME. She was so full of lust and desire and our relationship has been amazing for the past 2 weeks. We tried being in an open relationship for a while, but then she got worried that I was going to leave her and begged me to be exclusive with her. So we went exclusive for no more than 3 days until we realized that the flame had died again. So, she MUST be in an open relationship with me if this'll work, because the jealousy makes her want me. Sounds bad, but she had a very troubling upbringing, in which her mother encouraged her to sleep with many men. Because God made sexual pleasure and you are supposed to enjoy it (Children of God member. Look it up). It's programmed into her head, so I don't blame her.

So, she has been talking to other men and told me all she wants to do is flirt and maybe make out and nothing else. I know this girl better than she knows herself, so I told her that if that started that she would get turned on and finish what she started. She got upset and told me that she trusts herself even if I don't. So I agreed and said she's right, even though in my mind, I knew for a fact that I was right.

She went on a date last night with an old friend of mine. We talked about it first. It kinda hurt cuz we were getting ready to go out together when the guy texted her. She immediately said she'd rather go out with him, because she and I can date anytime we want. So I let her go. For HOURS I paced around the living room watching the clock thinking, "Their date is sooo long. And she hasn't even texted me." They were out together for 5 hours.

Here's the INTERESTING PART. I was drinking the worry away and sitting on the patio waiting. The guy pulled up to my house in his truck. She saw me and knew I could see them, but she started making out with him anyway. Then they disappeared...meaning they laid down across the seat and were on top of each other.

My intuition was SO right. After a little bit, they came out of the truck and my friend came up to me to talk about it. I said it was ok and I'd rather it be him than some nasty douche-bag I don't trust. She went inside while we talked. Afterward, I went inside to talk to her about the details. She began apologizing and told me I was right after all. She couldn't fight the temptation. They were dry humping and making out right in front of my house.

She told me she desperately wanted to have sex with him, but the guilt stopped her. I don't think it was actually guilt. I think it was the fact they didn't have a condom and that I was right outside. Had they been alone and with a condom, I know they would have had sex. My heart is breaking, but I know this is what makes her happy.

She could tell I was upset and told me she would give it up for me and just suppress her desires and lust. I told her I was wrong for being upset and she was just being herself. I told her that if she is happy doing this, i'm happy for her. If she stopped doing it, she'd go back to being depressed. She proposed, lol. She told me she wants to spend the rest of her life with me. So we talked about it and she is definitely going to have sex with that guy, and probably others. I feel like it's going to make our relationship....not so special anymore, and I don't know if I can handle it. But I'm going to try, because she is SOOOO HAPPY. Being a beautiful woman, she is happy when she gets attention from a bunch of men.

She rated her life 10 out of 10....but I would now rate mine maybe 5 out of 10. I'm I doing the right thing? Is this going to work? She loves me and I love her, but this hurts.

One more detail...I hated this one, but she begged me to do it cuz it'd be so hot and makes me seem like an "alpha male." She wants me to sleep other women. I did for a bit because it helped me cope, but I hate it. She's always so turned on when I get home and jumps on me, so I know she really likes that other women want me.

THIS IS SO WEIRD AND I HATE MY LIFE. However, I love her and would do anything for her, so that is what I've been doing. It feels really good to talk about, because I'm hurting so bad right now. Help, please?

[maxmax]

Is this gonna work?

She rated her life 10 out of 10....but I would now rate mine maybe 5 out of 10.

THIS IS SO WEIRD AND I HATE MY LIFE.

No, it's not going to work.

[bombboy85]

I agree with maxmax, I understand the feeling of wanting her to be as happy as can be but you need to make yourself happy as well otherwise she will become unhappy and leave anyway. I could never do anything like that just the thought of my wife sleeping with other men even her ex's before me when the image pops into my head it's to the point it almost makes me physically ill. Maybe you should check out a book called no more mr. nice guy its a great book (not about being an asshole) I read it and it helped me a lot especially when it came to realizing I never worried about my own needs instead of just worrying about hers.

[steviej]

She wants you to be alpha, therefore take full control of this situation. Tell her to make her choice, you or the street.

She needs councilling for her behaviour, not encouragement!

[PawlsToTheWall]

You guys were so right. The situation is more complicated than what I typed, but it's just a very long story. So things really had to happen this way for us to grow as a couple. I told her I don't think I can do this, and she just started crying and pleading with me. She told me it wasn't her fault, she has an addiction to promiscuity, like it's a drug. She was mad at me for being an enabler. So yeah, I was enabling a drug addict to get their fix, essentially.

She wants therapy and to change, because she wants to be with me more than anything else and would be fine suppressing her lust for other men. It still bothers me that she has these desires, but she admitted that she has them and doesn't want them. She makes herself sick. So we are ok, and she isn't going to do this anymore.

[tremolo]

It's great that she says she wants to overcome this tendency of hers, but before you say you two are 'okay' and she isn't going to mess around anymore, I'd give it some time to make sure she can change. If what she is experiencing is truly an addiction, then it won't very likely be easy to overcome. I hope, for the sake of your marriage, that you can both work through this together, because it will very likely be a long and difficult road to recovery...

[Phoenix23]

My advice is don't lie to her or yourself about how this makes you feel.
If you're not ok with it, don't pretend you are and then try to tell yourself why you should be ok with it.
It's a recipe for disaster to try to live a lie like that.

Yeah, it sucks when you find out someone you love is just not compatible with you on some big issues, but it probably sucks more to spend the rest of your life miserable that the relationship isn't what it should be.

[Wakeup]

@ OP: I think I read that in a 1977 issue of Letters To The Editor in Penthouse Magazine.

[iamminzy]

please do not encourage her to have sex with other men, it's not gonna work like that. She wants to keep you around but wants to sleep with other men. I think she needs counseling... cuz you don't want her to regret and have to leave you and get back together with you or you leave her and she wants you back. She needs therapy.

[PawlsToTheWall]

Her doctor diagnosed her with Bipolar disorder and all the symptoms match. I know what I'm dealing with now and it sucks.

Okay so, she decided she wanted to be exclusive again, since our relationship was so strong while we were experimenting with the open relationship. We'd been exlusive for 2 weeks and everything was good until last night. She had proposed before and she's been trying to get me to have another baby with her.

So after she asked me to marry her, I said I would, but then the moment I did her face changed and she said, "That makes me not want you...is that bad? I wanted you SOO bad until you said you wanted me back." So she wants a relationship without a commitment. She doesn't want me to want her back. She keeps encouraging me to see other women, and that she is ok being just mine. She still has urges and thoughts, but said she'd rather ignore them and just have me do it so that she can still get that "non-commitment" feeling.

So now, I'm back where I started. She wants to seek counseling, but before that happens she wants to do as much damage as possible. She wants me to be ok with her seeing other men.

I told her I wouldn't do it, and if she'll let me, that I'd stop her from doing it. She trusts that I'm right and agrees, but she'd rather me be ok with her doing it. She's a door with a broken lock and I've got keep all the hands off the door-knob basically. Cuz if a guy turns it, she'll swing wide open if I'm not there to stop it.

[bulrush]

Bipolars (not on meds) can do very risky things with strangers during their manic phase. That means she could bring home a disease to you, like herpes, or HIV, which are not curable.

It sounds to me like you don't want to do it. It also sounds like you don't trust her that she will still love you. Only when couples have a long-enough relationship where they can trust each other, and still love each other, will this work. That means, it works for only a few couples here and there. It won't work for most people. For some people, this arrangement can improve how the primary couple feels about each other. I do not think you (as a couple) fit that profile.

Since you are married, you don't sound confident enough to try this out again.

So after she asked me to marry her, I said I would, but then the moment I did her face changed and she said, "That makes me not want you...is that bad? I wanted you SOO bad until you said you wanted me back." So she wants a relationship without a commitment. She doesn't want me to want her back.

So ignore her when she comes home. Act like you don't care. Go out with the guys, have platonic woman friends but pretend they are something more. Perhaps, strange as it seems, that will change things around for her. It almost sounds like she likes a little roleplaying, where you treat her like a slut, is what she's craving. Has she ever mentioned this to you? There are married couples that do this and they are very happy with roleplaying of various types.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Divorce her. Take custody of your child on grounds that your wife is mentally ill and unfit to have custody, and cut off contact with her.

[searock]

Divorce her. Take custody of your child on grounds that your wife is mentally ill and unfit to have custody, and cut off contact with her.

His wife, the mother of his kids and the woman he loves, is ill, and you suggest he leaves her instead of supporting her as she struggles to get help?

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Oh god, here we go again.

His wife is a whore. She's selfish and she is doing untold psychological damage to the OP, and probably to her child too. Perhaps completely cutting contact isn't the right way to go, but he should definitely not be continuing a 'romantic' relationship with her while she's like this.

[searock]

His wife is a whore. She's selfish and she is doing untold psychological damage to the OP, and probably to her child too. Perhaps completely cutting contact isn't the right way to go, but he should definitely not be continuing a 'romantic' relationship with her while she's like this.

She isn't doing it on purpose. She's ill. She should get help, and her husband should be there for her, if he loves her.