My boyfriend likes to IM women he does not know

[imtoonice]

Ok...need some advice....

I am 25...my boyfriend is 40-something...we have known each other for 2 years...dating for 1 year.

BEFORE I MET HIM....he was on this website to talk to international women...Asian, Russian, Mexican, etc. SO he was on yahoo messenger IM'ing them. I was on his computer and the messenger was on, and these ladies were IM'ing him...they didnt say anything sexual...just small talk. However, I confronted him..and he told me about the website. Well I did not like this at all!!! So, he said, "fine I'll delete messenger". So he deleted it..and I was asking why in the F would you want to talk to women you NEVER met, and you are with me!!!! He said....well you work nights..and I get bored...and I said..sooooooo watch a movie, read a book, call SOMEONE YOU KNOW and talk to them....anyway..he said he was sorry..deleted it.

Soooo last night he confessed to me he got his messenger back because he decided he didnt like me telling him what to do. Ok.. I DID NOT TELL HIM TO DELETE..he suggested it...and now he has it back? SO now we are fighting right now...he said he has not logged onto it...

What I don't understand is WHY HE NEEDS THIS?? He said I'm overreacting... I don't think I am..I think if he loved and respected me he would leave those nasty ladies alone...

He said they never talk about sex..I think he is lying!!!!!!

PLEASE HELP!!!!

[Gigabitch]

He's shopping. I don't like it.

[Asip4u]

Yeah sounds like he's addicted to it.

[AdminOnline]

Moved to 'love advice' forum.

[Doc Durian]

It placates a possible committment phobia of his?

He can be with you and still feel like a teenager?

[tr1p]

it's telling me he's not serious about you.. he's 40 some like you said and he's talking to other women when he has one.. he's a joke sorry.. nobody should be doing this.. you should move on.. you're only 25 and he's 40+.. you can find younger and better

[Doc Durian]

it's telling me he's not serious about you.. he's 40 some like you said and he's talking to other women when he has one.. he's a joke sorry.. nobody should be doing this.. you should move on.. you're only 25 and he's 40+.. you can find younger and better

Younger isn't necessarily better.

Tell us what he's been IM'ng about?

Could he be behaving like a depraved dog or talking to other female friends about his situation and feelings.

It could go either way against him or for him... we do not know.

In my honest opinion, younger is seldom better. It takes an advanced soul to feel comfortable with an established soul... but that's up to the souls between.

I reckon a man of those years fears a relationship 15-20 years ahead. When she is somewhat untouched by the hands of time and he's thinking about the calcium content of his more brittle bones.

So much of published love is visual and new to the senses.

Can you fault him if he's having cold feet?

[Mish]

Maybe he is looking for someone closer to his age

[Doc Durian]

Or maybe he's genuinely in love with her but thinks he'll be turfed for a younger man and taken to the cleaners because of the age gap and terms of life?

[all alone]

not good.. i know a buddy who was doing that and it ended his last relationship, but then again hes a retard.. Definitely trouble.

On another note, you come off as being someone who freaks out at everything and can be somewhat controlling. Maybe i am just getting the wrong vibe, but just the tone of your post i guess... but yeah, that situation is trouble for ya.. plus hes 40?! meet someone closer to ur age..

[doppelgaenger]

Ok...need some advice....

I am 25...my boyfriend is 40-something...we have known each other for 2 years...dating for 1 year.

BEFORE I MET HIM....he was on this website to talk to international women...Asian, Russian, Mexican, etc. SO he was on yahoo messenger IM'ing them. I was on his computer and the messenger was on, and these ladies were IM'ing him...they didnt say anything sexual...just small talk. However, I confronted him..and he told me about the website. Well I did not like this at all!!! So, he said, "fine I'll delete messenger". So he deleted it..and I was asking why in the F would you want to talk to women you NEVER met, and you are with me!!!! He said....well you work nights..and I get bored...and I said..sooooooo watch a movie, read a book, call SOMEONE YOU KNOW and talk to them....anyway..he said he was sorry..deleted it.

Soooo last night he confessed to me he got his messenger back because he decided he didnt like me telling him what to do. Ok.. I DID NOT TELL HIM TO DELETE..he suggested it...and now he has it back? SO now we are fighting right now...he said he has not logged onto it...

What I don't understand is WHY HE NEEDS THIS?? He said I'm overreacting... I don't think I am..I think if he loved and respected me he would leave those nasty ladies alone...

He said they never talk about sex..I think he is lying!!!!!!

PLEASE HELP!!!!

1. Boyfriend is visiting dating site with female members from various countries. (choice)
2. Boyfriend is contacting these women. (choice)
3. Boyfriend is allegedly innocent, because he is engaging in "small talk" (vindication)
4. Boyfriend tries to appease girlfriend by deleting messenger.
5. Girlfriend interrogates boyfriend.
6. Boyfriend does not really have any answers, and instead apologizes.
   
7. Boyfriend decides he wants Messenger after all, decides to continue pursuing these women. (choice)
8. Boyfriend accuses girlfriend of being forceful and controlling. (vindication)
9. Girlfriend feels that she was not being forceful and is upset with her boyfriend's actions.
10. Now they are arguing because of all this.

These are choices your boyfriend is making. He chooses to do things, which you feel are wrong and dishonest to you. When you confront him, he tries to vindicate himself. I think you communicated things pretty clearly. I'm pretty sure he understood. With this behaviour he's pretty much admitting that he's not a responsible, loyal boyfriend.

[Lulu]

Dopplegaenger said it perfectly....

[1337lizard]

Yeah...this kind of makes me uncomfortable. His behavior is pretty awful. Find a new man who won't spend hours of everyday mackin on other women through an instant messenger.

[confused2010]

Put a key logger on his computer. This will record all of his keystrokes and you can read these conversations.

I Recommend Teslain Kidlogger (free from download dot com)

[doppelgaenger]

Oh Jesus Christ. That is just ****ing ridiculous. A key logger? Just trash the relationship. It's not worth the effort, and it will only feed your security. It sure as hell won't help you trust him.

My mother did this with her current mate. She had me do all the dirty work. Trust me, I know all this from indirect experience. It's just makes things messier. As long as you don't have children with this man, end your relationship.