I am a 30 year old woman, who has been with the same gentleman (James) for the last 12 years. Our relationship over that time definitely had it's ups and downs but overall we were happy together. We have lived together for the past 6 years, and during that time our sex life was almost nothing. I wanted to have sex but James was not interested at all. Any affection that I gave was not returned (even hugs and kisses). He told me that he never wanted to get married to me. That being said, we were happy living together, and I enjoyed the time we spent cooking, relaxing, seeing movies, etc. I felt very secure with James.
This past year I took a sabbatical from work and traveled for 7 months, volunteering. James was very happy to see me go, he wanted me to have the experience and said he could use the time alone himself. Before I left I told James that I might not want to move back in upon my return because I felt there were problems in our relationship. He vowed to work on them (namely anxiety causing lack of sex drive) while I was gone and I then agreed that I would move back when I came home.
James came to visit me near the middle of my trip and proposed to me. I said yes. I had spent so much time with him, I loved him and appreciated him so much in my life. I knew there were problems, but at the time of the proposal I could not imagine saying no to him.
Simultaneously, I had begun a friendship with one of my fellow volunteers (Adam). We lived together (with a group), worked together and spent our free time together. I was not strongly attracted to Adam at first, but our friendship was so amazing and we had so much fun together - I wanted to be around him all of the time and vice-versa. The weekend before I was proposed to, I had felt some feelings developing for Adam. I tried to keep them down as much as possible. But the truth is that I cared for him deeply. But he's very much a 'live-wire' - a passionate person who can get himself into trouble. He's sweet and caring but doesn't have his life in order.
During the next few weeks, those feelings grew stronger and stronger. I had kept the news of the proposal to myself because I felt strange about it - and I didn't want to spread news of an engagement that I was not excited about (I didn't tell my friends back home either). One night Adam and I were talking and I told him about the engagement. He was visibly upset and told me then that he had very strong feelings for me. A sort of relationship developed from there - although we tried our best to keep all things physical to a minimum. Adam was not comfortable being in love with a woman who was engaged and wanted me to sort things out for myself before starting something new. At the same time, we both agreed that our connection was very special and rare. Upon leaving to return home, Adam and I said our goodbyes and I felt like someone had stabbed a knife through my heart. The pain was unbearable.
When I returned to James, I told him what happened. I didn't want a relationship built on lies and felt that he should know what his partner was feeling (including falling in love with Adam). He was so upset, and revealed that he had been in a deep depression while I was gone and now that I had returned was starting to feel better. He forgave me for my actions and said that he takes the blame for it, because of how he wasn't there for me in the past. He wants to continue our relationship, get couples counseling and spend the rest of his life with me.
The problem is - I don't feel like I'm in love with him. I am in love with Adam. And Adam wants to be with me as well - and has said he will wait for me to get my life in order while he is working on his life.
I am deeply confused about what to do. I have to make a decision now - I don't want to string one person along - and I most definitely do not want to string two dear souls along while I figure things out. I need help. Does anyone have input on what I should do?