I think I screwed up...

[Kayla]

I met this guy about three months ago. He lives 150 miles away but we talked some, hung out and traded contact info. We started talking a little here and there then it grew to talking everyday. He was very sweet when we talked, very clearly expressing now much he liked me. So, about three weekends ago, we went out on a date. He drove here to my city to take me out. We ended up back at my house where I SCREWED UP big time and slept with him. Because of the distance, I told him it would be okay if he stayed with me. I am not normally like that, and I have NO IDEA what I was thinking. I feel horrible about it. He left the very next day, because he had a two week cruise he was going on. I heard from him once via internet chat while he was on the cruise, saying that phones and internet were very expensive on the ship.

Well, now he has been back for five days and I have barely heard from him. I have talked to him three times through the internet.. and it was bullshit small talk stuff... like what did I do New Years Eve, etc.. (he was on the cruise). He sent me a few photos of the trip, saying how tired he was and how he needed to sleep. He was asking me alot of questions about what I did NYE, who I was with, etc.. It was weird.. almost like he was curious or suspicious of something. My friend said he might have been doing that to see if I hooked up with anyone.. he knew an ex boyfriend of mine was maybe going to be at this party I wanted to go to. Then I started thinking maybe HE hooked up on this cruise and was thinking maybe I did?? I dont know...

I am just really unsure whats going on bc before he came to my house, we talked all the time and now he is hardly saying anything. I think most of this is that I feel bad because I slept with him when I should not have and now I am worried he thinks bad things about me.. So.. I guess if I did screw up by doing that, is there a way to fix it? Because I do want to see him again. last time we talked, i tried to feel him out by suggesting we hang out again soon and he gave me a very noncommitted answer going "maybe". this was a totally different attitude from before our night together

any thoughts? i can promise this- i will never make that mistake again. i dont like the way it feels afterwords

anyway to fix my mistake? thanks..

[xxazurexx]

I don't think there is anyway to fix it. I think that when we will sleep with guys and immediately, we devalue and cheapen ourselves and he loses respect for us. Once we devalue ourselves, that is the way some guys will view us....as 'easy meat'. I think it's wrong of course and to be judged on the fact we may like a guy enough to sleep with him first time, but sadly a lot of guys do judge us on just that and thereafter tend to think of us as the 'booty girl', rather than as serious relationship material.

Maybe he was just a player who preys on women online. Gives them all the 'sweet talk', tells them what they what he thinks they want to hear and to get sex. There are many men like this. Or maybe he did meet someone else on the cruise....only he knows.

One thing I'd advise is and for the future, if you want a guy to take you seriously and respect you, you gotta first have respect for yourself.

I wouldn't feel too bad about, we've all been there and done the same thing....but we learn from it.

[Kayla]

thanks xx- I guess all I can do is forget about it and move on Do you think he will want to see me again? I guess I feel like I want to redeem myself, and the only way that will happen is if he wants to see me again.. and I can do it right next time.

[7th samurai]

he'll definitely want to see you again. but for the wrong reason, i.e. to have sex with you.

[Kayla]

he'll definitely want to see you again. but for the wrong reason, i.e. to have sex with you.

well good.. when he does.. i will see him and NOT have sex. in other words, do it right. then whatever happens after that, I will be OK with it. He contacted me tonight again.. with small talk.. how was your day this and that? nothing like it used to be when we talked.. oh well..

[Boisdevie]

I don't think there is anyway to fix it. I think that when we will sleep with guys and immediately, we devalue and cheapen ourselves and he loses respect for us. Once we devalue ourselves, that is the way some guys will view us....as 'easy meat'.

Bullshit, complete bullshit.

Or perhaps it's an age thing. I"m 47. My GF invited me into her bed on our 2nd date. Did I have less respect for her? No, she wanted me sexually and that's quite liberating, a woman who knows what she wants. Are we still together? Do I respect her? -p hell, yes.

I thought we were living in an age of sexual equality but obviously not.

[Kayla]

Bullshit, complete bullshit.

Or perhaps it's an age thing. I"m 47. My GF invited me into her bed on our 2nd date. Did I have less respect for her? No, she wanted me sexually and that's quite liberating, a woman who knows what she wants. Are we still together? Do I respect her? -p hell, yes.

I thought we were living in an age of sexual equality but obviously not.

I hope you are right! And i would have thought so if his attitude towards me had not completely changed after we had sex. And I find it hard to believe thats ALL he wanted because of the time, distance, and effort that went into him talking to me and seeing me. If thats all he wanted, im sure there were plenty of closer, easier available girls. I dont get it...

[Yet another guy]

He was asking me alot of questions about what I did NYE, who I was with, etc.. It was weird.. almost like he was curious or suspicious of something. My friend said he might have been doing that to see if I hooked up with anyone.. he knew an ex boyfriend of mine was maybe going to be at this party I wanted to go to.

He said that he likes you but you haven't made the relationship "official" and exclusive. Sex would imply it but you have to talk about it to make it official. The only thing wrong with having sex with him was doing it just before the cruise and not having the talk. Both of you took a big step but were left hanging on the cliff for 2 weeks. He must have heard stories of exes getting together and dumping their temporary partners in the process. I wouldn't say he was suspicious, but more like worried. I would be worried if my potential girl friend spent a new years eve with her ex. Just like you are worried even though there's no reason to believe that there was an ex onboard.

About his changed behaviour, maybe you are acting differently after the cruise and he is reacting to that. Or maybe he is worried about the long distance between you. That's probably the biggest issue with your relationship. Neither of you can feel safety until one of you has made plans to move closer. If he thinks that you are a slut because you had sex with him, you can try to convince him that you are not. If that's the case though and he isn't sorry, you might want to dump the jerk anyway. The only way to learn what he is thinking is to talk about it with him.

I don't buy that he was after just sex. No point in travelling 150 miles for just that.

I wish you good luck with him

[HeartIsAching]

One thing I'd like to suggest - when you do talk to him again, tell him that's not something you normally do... that you were just compelled by your feelings for him or whatever the hell you want to say, to sleep with him. Make it unusual.

[Kayla]

thanks.. this has been great advice!! he has talked to me several times again since.. small talk stuff still.. nothing serious or even asking to see me again. Nothing like that, yet. Just asking me "what are you doing" "how was your day" etc.. I feel pretty sure we will see each other again. i am not going to sleep with him again until there is a commitment or talk of some kind. I do not like how i have felt about it since.

I guess I also dont know how to approach the subject because I dont want to be "that girl" that starts demanding or pushing for a relationship just because stuff has happened. I know that can be a major turn off for guy..

So when he calls/texts/emails or whatever.. im just being cool and nice.. and talk to him. And.. NO CHANCE i will be getting back together with that ex of mine.. no matter what he may think. hes an EX for a reason