My girlfriend and my ex . . . ISSUES

[augustus06]

I love my girlfriend. We've been in long distance relationship for more than a year and we've talked about marriage. But we've hit a huge speed bump, and I'm going to invite her to view this forum.

I'm divorced with a child. She's single with no kids. Our plans have been to marry and have kids. I would like to get engaged soon, so that we can be married by the end of the year.

However, we have had serious disagreements about my interactions with my ex-wife. I communicate with my ex, mostly by text, about 1 to 3 times a week about our son. My GF feels the interaction is inappropriate when the subject matter expands to areas outside of our son i.e. "How's the family" in face-to-face conversation. I consider my ex neither a friend nor a foe, and my GF does not like that.

In order to stay in the loop of what's happening, my GF has asked that I let her know when I communicate with my ex. It hit the fan, however, when I decided to do a "clear the air" conversation with my ex (after leaving her in '08) to resolve money issues and certain issues from our marriage. My girlfriend, who I told the convo about, was livid because she felt I was too passive in my approach. She particularly felt that my mentioning our future plans was too much info for my ex (whose future plans with her boyfriend I acknowledged during the conversation). As long as the guy is good with my son, I'm great.

To be honest, my ex has done me wrong. She used my SSN to get a credit card, caused a car to be repossessed, and basically talked about me badly on the tail-end of the marriage. I have since forgiven her for the sake of my son. My GF, however, feels that my ex should be treated like an enemy or I should treat her "nice/nasty". My discussions with my GF have escalated to my screaming and cursing her, because I feel as if I'm being micromanaged. I've acknowledged that I have been out of line for screaming and cursing, and I try to remind her that I have love her dearly.

Here's where I am asking for feedback. What should I do to ensure my GF that she is a priority above my ex?

[Bo]

From what you're telling me so far you're gf is totally crazy maybe it's she doesn't understand since she doesn't have children. But it's true the greatest gift you can give your child is to have a stable and CIVIL relationship with the ex. You're child is what is important and you never want your kid to have to choose sides, hence a civil relationship is very important with your ex is important. I don't see why she's angry with it, nothing you've done is out of line. She just sounds very jealous and possessive, i can understand her having insecurities but she is way over-board.

[MerryH]

But we've hit a huge speed bump, and I'm going to invite her to view this forum.

I'd like to hear her side. Hey OP's girlfriend, come post in this thread.

[blinki]

I'd like to hear her side. Hey OP's girlfriend, come post in this thread.

haha... might turn into an episode of jerry springer!!

anyway OP, i think you have the right to speak to your ex, but only if it concerns the kid... you're both the parents of him, and it'll probably mean a lot to him to realise that although his parents aren't together, they do get along.

i do understand you girlfriend's point of view though, i wouldn't like my partner speaking to an ex. but there is a difference here, and that is that you have a child and his welfare to discuss. i think as long as you keep it as that only, it's absolutely fine.

she's probably paranoid that you're going to develop feelings for your ex again.

[augustus06]

haha... might turn into an episode of jerry springer!!

anyway OP, i think you have the right to speak to your ex, but only if it concerns the kid... you're both the parents of him, and it'll probably mean a lot to him to realise that although his parents aren't together, they do get along.

i do understand you girlfriend's point of view though, i wouldn't like my partner speaking to an ex. but there is a difference here, and that is that you have a child and his welfare to discuss. i think as long as you keep it as that only, it's absolutely fine.

she's probably paranoid that you're going to develop feelings for your ex again.

The issue is that she wants me to respond more appropriately (her sentiments) to my history with my ex, which obviously hasn't been great. She feels I should be more cut-and-dry in my responses. So, when I was on the phone with my GF and she overheard me responding to my ex (picking up my son) saying something about the family, my GF felt that I went too far in conversation. We probably exchanged a total of 4 lines.

From there, she wanted to know when my ex communicated with me. So, I told her about a text. She didn't like my response. According to my GF, my response should've been something along the lines of, "What do you want?" So, she wants me to draw a clear line showing that we are "no longer spouses."

So, I have to ask you, since you get her side of this. In my "clear the air" conversation, I told my ex that since we both want to move on in our respective directions, which includes getting into new houses and moving on in our respective relationships, we needed to make sure we resolved our financial issues. My GF was highly critical of my approach and felt that I divulged information that could compromise our future. I'm civil because of my son, and I believe that she is completely unaware of her reaction.

[augustus06]

I hope she does, too.

[Bo]

Sooooo the point is pretty much she wants/prefers YOU to be RUDE to your ex....? That's what i'm getting from this and it's really unnecessary. It's not like you guys are having long drawn out conversations with each other about what you've been up to and how you still care about each other. It's more important to keep a civil relationship, what's wrong with being civil? And if you and your ex had unresolved financial issues i would want it worked out asap if i was your gf.

[augustus06]

Sooooo the point is pretty much she wants/prefers YOU to be RUDE to your ex....? That's what i'm getting from this and it's really unnecessary. It's not like you guys are having long drawn out conversations with each other about what you've been up to and how you still care about each other. It's more important to keep a civil relationship, what's wrong with being civil? And if you and your ex had unresolved financial issues i would want it worked out asap if i was your gf.

That's pretty much her feeling.

[Bo]

That's pretty much her feeling.

Does she have an issue with you being CIVIL with your ex? And sometimes civil isn't always cut and dry, that's something she just has to understand. For example when you respond to someone with "WHAT DO YOU WANT"?, that sounds rude. There's nothing wrong with getting along with your ex because of your child, as long you are clear that there's nothing going on.

[surfhb]

2 sides to every story. WE NEED TO HERE FROM YOUR GF! PERIOD!

[Horseyguy]

I wouldn't date someone who had kids and didn't get on well with their ex, and I wouldn't date someone who had an issue with me getting on well with my ex either.

Been there done that and it just doesn't work for me.

Both me and my partner have kids from previous relationships and both of us get on well with our respective ex's and the relationship works well BECAUSE of that

When you have kids with someone you are sort of stuck with them for life so there is little to be gained by being in conflict with each other and it's certainly not the best thing for the kids.

My partner doesn't feel threatened by my ex-wife at all so it's not an issue. My ex-wife called the other day to remind me to put my bins out because bin pick up day had changed and she knew I'd forget, my partner was ta my place at the time and asked who the call was from and I told her it was just my ex reminding me about the bin change and her only comment was that was really nice of her. My partner actually told me when we first started dating that she was glad I got on well with my ex-wife, she saw that as a deal breaker if I didn't because there is nothing worse than hostility between ex's when kids are involved and I totally agree, I'd have been the same if she didn't get on with her ex, last thing I want is her fighting on the phone with her ex when we are together.

Seriously if she can't accept you getting on with your ex I'd be re-evaluating the relationship, because she might be your GF for a couple of years but your kids will be there for life as will your ex wife, way it is

[Boisdevie]

Sounds like the GF is a control freak. I've been divorced for 10 years and apart from the initial period after the divorce we've been very civil because we have two children and they are the priority - not some bitchy arguement about the past. If you're GF can't take then then I'd tell her to get stuffed. My current GF doesn't worry about my relationsihp with my ex and I don't worry about her relationship with her ex - frankly it's none of my business

[Yet another guy]

Sounds like the GF is a control freak.

I agree, she's completely unreasonable.

[augustus06]

2 sides to every story. WE NEED TO HERE FROM YOUR GF! PERIOD!

Yeh, I'm hoping she's cool with it and gives her side. I'm madly in love with her, so my goal here is to get neutral feedback. I'm not perfect, so I'm all for getting constructive criticism from neutral parties. I just know that she and I are two intelligent, loving people who want to be together, but the issue of my ex is wrapped in lots of emotion. That has compromised reasoning on both sides, I think.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Just leave. Your g/f is not going to change, no matter how many posters on here think she is being unreasonable. She's jealous of your ex since she shares a child with you and right now, that's more than she has with you, and it's making her paranoid and crazy, really. Tell her that there is more volatility in your current relationship with her, than the one currently with your ex wife, and it's wearing on you. Time to end it, as this will never change.