just venting and thinking out loud a bit...

[BillyGalbreath]

I hate people. I hate cheaters. I hate players. I hate users. I hate all these types of people and alot more. These people drive me MAD ! I'm talking to the point that I just want to go on a shooting rage and just shoot everyone of these people thats ever hurt me. But i dont do it. Why ? What stops me ? I dont know.

I hate the fact that I know too god damned much about my life. I hate knowing whats going to come before it ****ing comes. This last one wouldn't be so bad if I would know the GOOD things that come.. But I ALWAYS know when something bad is going to happen. It never ****ing fails. I've never once seen a good thing comming. I hate knowing that my path has been layed out before me. Now that I know its there, I've learned to read it and see my choices and see the outcome of each choice with god damned near perfect clarity.

I hate how when something good comes my way, I get all exited and I get so pumped up about it that I become blinded to the things around me. I hate it when I become so fixated on one person that when she is gone I notice I've let everything else fall behind. I hate seeing the all the bad in all the good. I hate the way I view life. I hate everything about life.

I hate the fact that all the good things I've ever had in my life I threw away because i DIDN'T see anything bad in them. Not seeing bad in something scares me because EVERYTHING good has a bad side. Here is a perfect analogy for this: If i have a rock and I see that there is a spider on the other side of it, I'll continue to hold the rock and manuvure around the spider and I wont drop it until I've been bitten. But If I am holding a rock, and I dont see a spider I drop the rock because I am affriad of being suprisingly bitten by a spider that I didnt see. I don't know if that makes any sence to any of you, but thats how i am. I can't help or explain it. Its just something about me that I cant change without changing WHO I am.

But then again. I hate who I am. I hate myself. I hate my past. I hate my present. I hate my future. I hate everything about me. I hate being white. I hate having this stupid flabby gut. I hate not having muscles. I hate being smarter than others. I hate being me. I want to be someone else. I want to be anybody. Anybody but me. I hate myself so much I want to die. I've wanted to die for a long time now. Sometimes this feeling gets suppressed, but its always there, lingering in my head. Now its back out again, like alot of other times in my past. I dont consider myself suicidal. I'm too ****ing chicken to do something like that. Thats another thing i hate about myself. I'm scared of everything. ESPECIALLY the unknown. I'm scared of Death, because I for one, do not know Death on a personal level. I wish that Death would come and take me away. I dont want to go to him, but I want him to come to me. Make my brakes in my truck go out while I'm on the highway. Let a hurricane throw a board thru my head. Something. ANYTHING. Just end this poor excuse of a life already and get it over with. Take my sould off of this planet so that another, better soul may enter. They deserve this place alot more than I do. Thats for damned sure.

Sometimes I think I am crazy for thinking all these thoughts and that I should be locked up in a nut hut somewhere. I once walked myself to a mental hospital and sat outside for 3 hours in the middle of the night thinking. Then I broke down and called my ex, Robin. She is the only person I've ever trusted and ever have been able to talk to so deeply. She knows me better than I know myself, and she has saved my life many times before. But I wont let her be here this time. Its time for me to either die, or grow the **** up. I said "grow up" because I dont know what else to call it. I can get over this bump by myself, or I can just wither away into oblivion. I wont let her help me this time. She doesnt even know how I feel anymore. For all she knows I am the happiest person alive. MOST people think that about me. No one really knows how I truely feel. I dont talk to anyone. I trust no one. Well, I do trust Robin. But thats irrelevant. She is gone and I need to move on. Its been over 2 and a half years since I left her, its about time I finally let it all go. There is no changing the past. Whats done is done.

I've thought about getting a phsyciatrist (sp?). I think i have a few mental disabilities. I have bi polar tendensies. I am deathly afraid of social things. And I am constantly depressed. Even when i am happy, I am depressed. I the past year there has been only 1 day that i was truely happy. An honest to God, no depression or sadness whatsoever, kind of day. This day was last Sunday. The day Elena first kissed me. But even her kiss was poison. A kind of trap to get me to buy her things. This has spoiled my taste for happiness. I don't want happiness anymore. Happiness just brings more pain and heartache. Pain is the price for Happiness. And I'd rather never be happy again, than to feel any more additional pain then what i feel right now.

I just want to die... I just want to die...

[sfalexi]

Its time for me to either die, or grow the **** up......I just want to die... I just want to die...

Well, I personally vote for "grow the **** up". I think you're a pretty good guy. CERTAINLY not deserving of death. THere are scumbags taking up oxygen in this world that in my opinion SHOULD die because the world would be a better place without them. You're not one of them.

I've thought about getting a phsyciatrist (sp?).

That's an excellent idea. I'm actually going to get one myself in the upcoming months. Just someone to help me deal with all this stress I have and someone to talk to and help me figure out stuff. I have my fair share of stress (workin' two jobs, parents divorcing, father dangling stuff over my head like 'bait', haven't even DATED in months - although I don't like being single and alone, etc. etc.) Whether it can REALLY help me or not, I think it's worth the shot. It certainly can't hurt. I say you do the same. I think it's great that you're seeking out this help on your own to begin with. Good luck dude. Drop me a line online on how things are going when I'm around.

Rod Steele

[derek]

too long for me

[I BabyGirl I]

I wouldn't read that if someone payed me to rofl, too long for me my brain would hurt before I got half way through it ... teehehe..


- Mandy

[derek]

I wouldn't read that if someone payed me to rofl, too long for me my brain would hurt before I got half way through it ... teehehe..


- Mandy

babe , u r so hot..........
i love u

[BillyGalbreath]

derek, you're an idiot.

Mandy, it is a bit long. I go on these little rants every now and then to release some of the pressure...

Alexi, thanks for actually reading it, and thanks for saying i am not a waste of space. It really means alot to me. And about the phsyciatrist, i would love to get one, even if all I do is talk talk talk to them and they just sit there and nod there head while playing a crossword puzzle or drawing a picture of me being eaten by godzilla.. I just can't afford one. Money drives the world, and its something I lack alot of. Dont get me wrong, i DO have money, just not enough to pay for a psyc and still do the things I do on a regular basis. I'm sure you know what I mean.

BLEH to derek. the biggest idiot I've ever seen.

[BillyGalbreath]

Horoscopes For Today: 9/24/2004
Good for you -- you are slowly figuring out that maybe you don't have to control everything in your life! Throughout the day, you're pleasantly surprised every time you let events take their own course. It's easy to go with the flow if you are willing to let go of the unimportant things that weigh you down. Take some time to observe which way the wind is blowing as you move with it. You can't change your direction, but it doesn't hurt to know your final destination.


Why the hell do these things have to be so god damned right all the time ? I've let her go late late late last night. And when I woke up today I kinda let a few other things go. I've been slowly letting more and more things go this morning. In fact, I've let so much go that I thought I was gonna be late for work cause I was just "going with the flow" and so I freaked and drove to work and got here right at 8:00... it's like it was suppossed to happen that way.

idk. I'm feeling better as of now tho.. so this is a good thing.

[blue]

**** billy why dont you tell me what the hell set you off? is it elena? what is wrong you are young and have too much to live for and how can you be sad when you have some beutiful kids? i hear you about getting help sometimes having someone to talk to makes all the difference in the world. and ya know if you need to talk im here. i will read your oh so long post. i dont mind. xoxoxoxo blue

[Zekk_T_Strife]

Billy - If something is urging you to change....do it. Slap yourself in the face, take a cold shower and get to work on it. There's no reason to rant, you know what you have to do.

Babygirl - If you aren't going to read the thread, why post in it?

Derek - What's the point in quoting the entire post you're responding to then making a worthless comment? I'll be it in nerd lingo so you can understand.

"Joo suxors because joo is a n00b."

[BillyGalbreath]

**** billy why dont you tell me what the hell set you off?...

What set me off ? Its a total combination of past events that just build up inside of me. Elena just happend to break the last thread and it all just came out at once.

Every since Destine left I've been holding in alot of built up negativity. No, not just from her. Most of it is from my dad. I have to tip toe around him because I live in his house. I can't go by my own rules. I cant date who I want to date. I cant go where I want to go. I cant even eat what I want to eat. But instead of "talking back" to him as he likes to put it, I bite my tongue. I dont like confrontations or uneasy grounds where I sleep at night. Its just how i am. And if i make him mad enough he could very easily kick me out, and to be honest I'm not ready for that yet. I use his truck because i dont have a vehicle yet. Thats the only reason i stay there, to be honest.

In the past everytime he made me mad I moved out. The first time I left home I was 17. and I went back once after that with Destine. The two of them got into a fight so I got out of that situation and left again. No I am back there for the 3rd time. And this time i am walking on egg shells because the smallest thing will set my dad off. And once he goes off, I'll go off and we'll get in a HUGE fight (a physical fight) and one of us will end up in the hospital and I'll move out again.

Ok, enough about him. I'm tired of thinking about him.. Lets move on to Nick. You guys remember Nick, right ? My only friend. Well, he is not really all that much of a friend anymore now that he is back in school. I havent seen him since we went to a baseball game on sept 6. So this has furiated me. I actually thought I had a friend that I could hang with and trust, and all of a sudden he stops talking to me. I used to call him up to see if he wanted to go somewhere but he always made excusses. "I'm tired. I have school in the morning. I'm washing the car. I'm going to the movies with ***. blah blah blah" stuff like that. So I stopped calling him. Now i am back down to ZERO friends. I dont hang with anyone. I dont talk to anyone. I dont go places with anyone. Ok, so I do all these things with Elena. But as you all know she's only been using me to buy her things. So thats not really a friend, thats a user. I bet you if I take her somewhere Saturday and dont buy her anything that she'll get really upset and wont want to hang with me again. I'd bet an entire paycheck on that.

I've liked Elena for a long time. At first she seemed like a really cool friend because she was into the guitar as much as I am, and plus she kicked ass at it. So we would hang out and play the guitar together, me, her and Nick. Then we all stopped playing guitar as much and started going to malls or beaches or something. We started to go out into the world again, the three of us. Then Nick bailed. So Elena and I started to go out alone, or with my brother, or one of her friends. Elena and I seemed to grow really close to each other during these times. I found out how badly she was hurt in her past, and she found out about mine. We then REALLY got close. We would be right next to each other, we would hold hands, I'd have my arms wrapped around her holding her as she would rest up against me while we stood in lines at places. Just little stuff like that. But the little stuff means so god damned much to me. I'm not in it for sex, or for a title of "boyfriend" or anything like that. I'm in it for the companionship that we were having. The closeness that made me feel so comfortable. The intimacy without sex. Idk. I cant explain it.

Then last sunday after I dropped her off from going to the mall we hugged as usual and then she kissed my check as usual, then she grabbed my chin and straightened my face to hers and she kissed me on the lips. This to me is a "Hello, you're now my b/f" kind of thing to do. So I was totally pumped up and excited. Everything that ever hurt me in the past floated away. Nothing bad existed anymore. I smiled a real smile (which is RARE from me). We then saw each other again wednesday during my lunch hour. I was taking her to the afternoon class cause she missed the morning class. And when we got to the school we kissed again. Mind you, these are just little pecks, no tongue or longness involved. But they were perfect kisses that made me melt everytime.

Ok, So after this second kiss I'm thinking "ok. so she is my g/f now. this makes it a done deal in my book" So I'm going on with my daily life, except I'm happier than usual. Odd. Me happy ? NO ! lol

Ok, so... Thursday we ate lunch together and we got to talking and i forget how or why but we got to taking about relationships or something and she said "We're just good friends." and everything I was feeling for the past 4/5 days went crumbling down to pieces. It just shattered everything. And my only reply was "I know that." And that was that. we talked about other crap and then the lunch ended shortly after.

When everything went shattering down thats when the anger and depression came back. How can someone build up someone like that, just to shatter them ? Who could be so god damned mean like that ? If she had no intensions on dating me, why the hell did she kiss me ? Thats just ****ing wrong. She should have never kissed me.

And THATS what set me off. everything negative that I've been building up for the past year or two just came flowing out and into my head all at once. I became very irritable and violent. Especially towards myself yesterday.

ok - i got inturupted here at work just now and forgot where i was going with this post.. so I'll end here hoping i already made my point.. whatever it was...

[I BabyGirl I]

Oh goodness, I go on rant's to maybe I will post my Brittany spears and pepesi rant my other forum loved it. ! Zekk I am gonna post in the thread because I want to. Good enough answer? good

[Zekk_T_Strife]

Zekk I am gonna post in the thread because I want to. Good enough answer? good

Completely devoid of any proof of a single mental process, but its your worthless choice to make.

[I BabyGirl I]

Good don't worry bout my "worthless choice" sheesh

[tooxshort]

yea ... it is pointless to post ... but anyhow ...

Billy ... u worry about females too damn much ... everythin's about a bitch ... no offense, you know that ... but it's usually a bitch that sets you off ... gotta be happy w/ urself before u can be happy with someone else ...

[I BabyGirl I]

Pointless to post? And you are..... Definately noone anywayz ... Blue I tryed calling you and ur phone is disconnected not payin ur bill?