Ex GF completely out of character

[jt1]

My ex gf of 4.5 years broke up with me on March 23. During February 24 onward, she began acting differently when we talked online and did not call to talk on the phone anymore(she was overseas). If you read my other thread it would explain more detailed, but I'll use whatever detail for this thread. She began to not talk to me as much and not want much to do with me, and she just kept giving me excuse after excuse, most of which did not even fit. Only 2 days before the 24th of Feb she was very happy to talk and excited. I am 23 she is 20. Yes shes young, but it is by no means any excuse for her actions.

I found out she was talking to an old pen pal/online friend since December 23rd 2010 more often since then. The past: They chatted and sent mail to each other back in the middle of 2005 up to 2006 or so. We started going out on October 2006. Then about a year later the guy rides his bicycle to her house to meet her. They talked for 3 minutes. She said she had a crush on him, and i said it would be best to forget him for the best for our relationship, so she did so. fast forward to now. When she came back from Korea in march 15, she did not want to give me a kiss or hug. which was very very odd and hurtful to me. When I would reach out to touch her or hug her she would not have it. This hurt me a lot and made me feel like sh*t because our relationship was fine just 3 weeks prior.

She then moved out of my mother/fathers (i live at home) place 2 days later to her fathers house. She moved very quickly to separate and distance herself from me. She kept giving me excuses and acted very unfriendly towards me, as if I was the one who cheated on her, but I knew she deeply regretted that she had feelings for this online/pen pal, but at the same time, was blinded by whatever they talked about. She did not want to work things through, and the only reason I found out she was liking the guy was because I asked her, she did not tell me of her own will. I feel she is just running away from us and just wants an easy way out, all while looking for excuses to ease her conscious of what she did and justify why she did it.

While giving us a chance, she went to the house of an" old friends" with a kid and a gf , which i later found out was a lie and was this pen pal/online friend. SHE went to HIS moms apartment (he lives with his mom) AND stayed over the night. She took a bus to his place which was 3 to 4 hours on public bus. I called her later that night to ask if she is alright and had made it safely, she said "why do you keep calling?" in an annoyed voice.

This guy had a gf of 3 years that he dumped on January, which he dumped because he said he "loves" my ex gf. I'm assuming he told her this and my ex was swooped off her feet. Sure she was going through a lot of stress overseas but this is no excuse. I have no idea what this guy said to her, and I can't believe my ex for falling for his sh*t and leaving a 4 year relationship so easily without trying to work things through.

This is the worst part. I found out that this past Wednesday she went back again and stayed until this past Saturday afternoon, and that she had been staying at a hotel most likely with him and most likely bought condoms from cvs(price on her statement would match condom price). How do i know all this? I went on her statement instead of mine, (cookies were saved). I do not check it regularly at all. So she only knew the guy for 1-2 days and she goes to a hotel with him(speculation,but a gut feeling).

My concern is that this all seems very dangerous and she seems to be moving very quickly with this guy that she doesn't really know.I feel that he is only using her, and that after IF they had sex, will not respect her or treat her well, and will continue to just use her and treat her like a toy. When I talked to him once years ago, I got a bad feeling from him, which is why I also told my ex to not talk to him. It's not being a controlling person, I'm not, it was about my gut feeling, which now is right. My family and friends agree that her attitude as of late is completely not what she was from when she left or when we talked during her overseas time.She used to be a sweet and caring girl with compassion and love towards me.Now She shows lack of self-respect or worth, makes herself look easy to him, and is putting in all the effort to see him, along with paying for things. If they did have sex, then it seems that she had sex on the 2nd or 3rd day of knowing this person physically and most likely no std screening prior to that on his part.

I want to tell her these things, but I have gone NC with her as of Saturday. I was trying to help her see our concern with her actions earlier and trying for another chance, but she just would be extremely stubborn and not want to listen to reason. Her attitude as described unanimously is naive, disrespectful towards herself and me, bitchy, selfish, irresponsible, reckless. She was a very intelligent woman that I still have feelings for. However I am deeply concerned for her and her safety. I can't deny that I do miss the times with her, that i am still in love with her, and i would like to get back together( of course if she was willing and after MUCH MUCH talk) I treated her extremely well, there was love, chemistry, everything. I was there for her, and this guy did nothing for her. So it is difficult for me to have gone through this all and her move on so easily after talking to this guy again. I thought it could just be an old crush that resurfaced and is now plaguing her. I do feel this will run its course and will come to a stop very fast, specially if she had sex so quickly.

I'm not stopping my life for this, I'm trying to keep busy and self-improve, however, this is all fresh and hard at times.

So what are your thoughts on this? Thank you all again for reading my post, I understand its long, but i am very grateful you take your time to help me in hard times.

[Corgan]

You're kind of talking about her....like she's a child that needs disciple. I don't think that's healthy. You guys are broken up....she can do what she wants, right? I know it hurts but it's not really your place to say so. You're never going to move on if you keep obsessing over everything she does. No contact. Move on. She has. She's made her choice.

[jt1]

So, if someone acts like a child, it is not right or healthy to say they are? By no means do I wish to make it sound like I belittle her. On the contrary, I had much respect for her, but have lost a lot of it after how she went breaking up and her actions as of late. Yes, she has actually been acting like a young teen. Again, she was an intelligent woman, we connected very well intellectually along with other aspects. When my mother spoke to her, my ex had the same tone and attitude like that of a rebellious teenager, and my mother says her actions as of late have been like those of a teen. She has raised 2 daughters, works with teens, and helped other women with daughter problems. Also my older sister of 38 years old said the exact same thing. My closest friends have all said that her attitude has completely changed for the worse, and what she is doing is not right and dangerous.

Is it not right to tell someone that either? Yes I understand its not my place simply because I'm not her bf anymore, but you know, she involved me in this while we were together, I started talking to her about this while we were still together, I feel that it has become my problem, since she lied to me about it, I had asked her if she met anyone or was interested in someone while she was overseas, she said no. She has never lied to me like this or treated me like this, she has always had a conscious and was respectful to me. All this had a huge effect on her decision. I don't think she needs discipline.

There are quite a few questions throughout my posts and I hope I can get your thoughts on her actions as of late, such as is it wrong for her to have gone to his house, he who lives so far away as a first or second meeting and stay over, then (maybe) have sex so quickly after the second meeting, and all the other questions you can help me out with, to me and everyone i know, it is dangerous, and they say it wont last, and that she is just being played for a fool. You cant truly love a person without really getting to know them and knowing their bad sides and annoying parts. She said I annoyed her at times, but I said its natural, and that you won't love EVERYTHING about someone, which this illusion of this guy is all about good things. My ex confessed to me a year and some months that she loves me more than before after getting to know me and living with me as long as we had been, because she knows me more than when we were living apart. She knows all this, yet she fell for this guys crap. She has always had more guy friends than girl friends, yet it was with only this guy that she has completely changed her attitude and views. I don't know what this guy said to her to make her, or persuade her to change everything about herself like this. We believe she is just blinded with infatuation of an illusion that was created over time about this guy, and she got submerged into it.

Maybe her weakened state of mind overseas contributed to her falling for his sh*t, or the mystery behind this real person got to her? People make mistakes while under pressure and can doubt important things in their lives. I'm not saying it isn't her fault or trying to make an excuse for her either for not coming to me earlier and talking through it and working things out. She has always admitted her wrongs, but she did not this time. As i said, her views and everything that made her her, have been twisted somehow, as if going through a phase like a rebellious teen, and I along with family and friends think it was this guy. Yes guys can be very manipulative and persuasive, and this guy is not an exception. His word play tells me so, which is why I said to not talk to him in the first place, I did not say to not talk to any other guy friend of hers because they were decent guys with morals and were old friends. Even her talking to her ex didn't bother me, because again, she had her head on straight and made no action towards liking them or pursuing anything more than friendship with them and they wouldn't talk that much anyway at all, or hang out. I trusted her.

I have gone NC since Saturday and I plan to continue to do so. She wanted to stay friends, well as a friend that is what I would say, that what she is doing is not right, and tell her about her attitude and actions, do I want answers? Yes, but again, I've gone NC and I will tell her my thoughts if or when she calls and asks to meet up, unless she wishes to apologize and admit her wrongs, but I feel that I have to at least let her know how she has been acting, because no one else does and that she'll have to learn from this mistake since she doesn't want to listen. Is it possible she can come back after realizing things and thinking things through? Her views and attitude are twisted, which have reflected upon her character as of late. Everything that has occurred seems so wrong. I'm not obsessed, it sucks seeing her be like this, changed for worse not better, I'm hurt, concerned, and looking for more opinions or advice.

Thank you for taking your time in reading all this, for understanding, and for your input.

[MerryH]

All I am asking is the questions I asked at the end of my posts and thoughts on her actions as of late, such as is it wrong for her to have gone to his house, he who lives so far away as a first meeting and stay over, then (maybe) have sex so quickly after the second meeting

Is it wrong of her to do those things? No. Is it stupid? Maybe, but that's not for you or anyone else to decide. It's not your job to stop her from making bad decisions. Leave her alone.

[jt1]

I am leaving her alone, I am not contacting her. I am not stopping her, I was just trying to help her see things in a different light, not just a narrow view. Was I trying to stop her when we were still together? Yes because she just did not think things through all the way. I understand what you mean. Yes it is her life, she can live it how she wants. However, if a loved one or close friend was doing something that I thought was not right or could cause harm, I wouldn't sit idly by. Its just like any girl who warns her friend about a guy they know can screw them over, harm them in some way, or I sincerely think they are making a mistake.

I just can't understand how she can like a guy who left his gf of 3 years for her, and expect anything good to come of it. At the same time, my ex did not have the will power to keep him at bay and then not talking to me about it. As a person who still loves her, yes I do hope it ends fast and she realizes what she lost.I treated her the way she deserved to be treated; with respect, kindness, love, and as an equal. Was it always fun and dandy? No, just like any other relationship. However, her illusion of this guy who he never has done wrong to her or made her mad in any way and won't have anything annoying or wrong about him is just naive. Hes never been there for her, he wasn't there for her in her ups and downs, he never did anything for her, and they have never shared their feelings like me and my ex have for these past 4 and a half years. Never did I see her as an object, as this guy probably does, according to his actions.