hi everyone/introduction to myself

[ludsi]

Hi everyone. I'm Chad and I'm glad to be part of the community.
Tthis is the first time I have ever written somethung about my life. Usually I deal with my problems alone.
This time I just decided to see other people's opinion as I just feel so confused and dont know what to do.
Before I start first I'd like to apologise for the simple english I use. Its not my native language.
Second I think I'm good person and have never thought to hurt anyone on a purpose. Also I have changed alot for the last few years, trying to be better person, have morals and principles to follow.
My conscious story started almost 4 years ago when I got that slap of the life, which changed me forever.
Before that life changing evwnt I was one of hose god looking funny smart guys, comming from a good family, (not rich but good), party animal, good education, partly successful (freelane work for few projects) . I had a lot of friends and everyone respected me. 4 years ago I met a girl, from my home town, smart, funny, still in my eyes such a beautiful creature, open minded... Basicaly I loved almost everything in her. (I think at that time everything, now I know you dont need to like eveypart of your partner to truly love her).
Long story short... 2 and a half years of relationship, of which olast one was on distance as she went to study to another country and I didnt have the option to move wih her at that time. My plan was from second year to move to England too. It was intense year I was visiting her couple of times in Notts, being into contact wih her all the time, helping her with uni projects etc. She was my girl and I was giving everything to her.... Except one thing loyalty . When we lived in the same town in the beginning eveything was alright. Than the distance took effect. I went back to my previous lifestyle hooking up couple of times with other girls. (that was after the last visit). Also we had some issues with my last visit (fighting and arguing about anything) and when she came back the summer to our home town...
For the whole summer she we had may be 5 times sex, she just didnt want to make it with me as much as before. All she wanted to do was going to parties (with me ofcourse, we still stick together all the time). However after the summer she went back to uni and I had to stay until NYE before i can go with her. And than a month after she left I cheated on her... Again even if I promised my self not to do that anymore... I betrayed her nad myself too. After a week she found out. Aparently she had always had my pass for fb and she read how I tell the oher girl smth about that (it was very ugly what she had read) and she left me... I couldnt accept that and started doing mental things... I just cant explain into details how crazy was everything. And I am so ashamed of myself. She was ignoring me, for long time, but it was hard to stay away from her as we have the same friends. I just couldnt let her go. I even moved to the country she study to be closer to her and start a new life. However since than she was dating couple of guys.(i know that as I knew her fb as well (im not proud of that and now I know not to stick my nose into other people's life and believe me that hurts lots).. I was dating couple of girls too... We were still "friends" (she probably hated me and I just couldnt forget and forgive my self and stil loved her) For the last 3 years we meet on several occasions. We even slept again couple of times. And even if I was hoping for a miracle and get her back, nohing ever happend. She stared using me, noticing my feelings. And than I decided to move on- 2 years later. Even if she had said not too long before that, that she still thinks I am the one.
The weird thing is that I started dating her cousin. They dont know eqchother too much... Its just relatives. her cousin is hot as hell as well... Good genes I guess. However after a summer adventure with her she came to London to live with me. And everything was serious. I loved her... She is gorgeous girl with good manners, smart and funny and talented. We lived here for 1 year together and in the beginning everything was fine. Sex was great.... And we were happy... Than after a while we got stuck on the same argues and fights andvdecided to take a break... After one year on and off we decided to seperate completely. And after a 2 months she went on a holiday trip to Mexico with a new guy she was dating after me.
I know I dont deserve any of them... And theres so much I just cant explain and havent said everything to be super objective... But in short thats it...
And now I am alone still broke and still thinking for my ex ex( first one). I even mistaken my second one's name wih first one couple of times... The thing is that I dont feel guilty for the latest relationship and still think for my first one. I dont know if thats love or just regretting. I dont know even what to ask you guys... I just feel so confused... Recently they both msged me just to see if I am okay... all that just pulls me back so much....
I just dont know what to do... To fight fo smth or to move on... Coz all my decisions in life were wrong and I dont want to take another wrong one...
Thanks in advance and sorry if all that is too boring and doesnt make sense.

[AdminOnline]

Hello ludsi, welcome aboard. Enjoy your visits.