Am I losing her?

[Son of Night]

Thanks in advance to anyone willing to endure what is bound to be a long-winded post. I've been bottling things up for some time now and I have so few friends with whom I can confide. A sympathetic ear (or eyes, more appropriately) means the world to me.

Last September, while performing in what turned out to be one of the last shows with my former band, I met a lovely girl through a mutual friend. She ended up tracking me down via myspace and we immediately began a lovely courtship which has turned into (what I had up until recently assumed) a flawless relationship.

She was the most genuine and intriguing person I've ever met. Though we were from completely different backgrounds ( I grew up in a small town, she the large Midwestern city I currently reside), we both shared somewhat similar interests and more importantly the same absurd, juvenile sense of humor. She looked upon me with the more adoration than any woman ever has. She shared with me the wonders of the city she's called her own for 24 years and has expanded my way of thinking more than she will ever know. The physical elements of the relationship were mutually unparalleled as well.

Within a few months of serious dating, we were seeing each other just about every other day, calling or e-mailing on a daily basis. It grew intense very quickly and though we both admitted that sort of thing has burned us in the past, we dealt with our issues head-on and succumbed to the flame of romance. As has been the case several times before in relationships, I withdrew from my circle of friends little by little and began to spend more time exclusively with her. Even though I admit the relationship had some bearing upon my decision, for other personal reasons I decided to quit the band and all but stop playing music. She didn't bat an eyelash when I told her - a relief of sorts as I secretly worried she was enamored as she was because of some sort of infatuation with dating a "rocker".

As I previously mentioned, we call the midwest home. Winters are paralyzingly cold and render just about half the year useless. So, not surprisingly, we ended up spending just about every night together and grew increasingly closer throughout the colder months. Granted this stems from necessity and a lack of desire to commute long distances in snow, but still... it was nice. I guess I grew accustomed to her constantly being around and began to neglect my own (admittedly dwindling) interests and hobbies. She as an artist began to produce less and less new work. When I expressed concern about stifling her creativity she stated that her inspiration ebbs and flows and was somewhat effected by season, never by other people and that I should know when an artistic spurt came, it might completely consume her.

Without delving into any more excessive detail than I already have, I will say our relationship continued to grow more intense over the next few months. It took us nearly five months before we were able to akwardly admit we loved each other. Upon a week-long trip to my home state (a much warmer one!), she told me that even though she thinks marriage is a farce, I am "the one" and I had made her question her beliefs.

As a couple sidenotes which I feel are ofparticular importance, I should mention:

1.) my girlfriend is bisexual. She has had long-standing relationships with both women and men and has at times sworn off each gender. She comes from a tremendously liberal background and has remarked upon several occasions that she feels marriage is rooted in ownership and nothing more than a misogynistic exercise.

2.) I have a long-standing history of health problems that, as I approach 30, have become more prominent. This is embarrassing to admit, but I have chronic prostatitis which at times renders me a less-than-desirable lover. Though I never admitted this to any other woman, I did to her and she was remarkably understanding, although there was a noticeable decline in our sexual regimen.

The past few months have not yielded any drastic changes overall. We've to date not had a single fight. Not one. However, since the weather's gotten more pleasant, she's become decidedly more independent and busy. She's had an deluge of shows, and has had to spend more time working on her art. I heeded the aforementioned warning and have been understanding. Unfortunately, my muse has not returned and I am often times at a loss as to how to occupy my time. What I though were "winter blues" have not up until recently subsided and I've been locked in a very mundane routine. We see each other much less. Whereas she used to jump at any opportunity to see me (even if it meant engaging in some recreational activity that she had less interest in than me), she is now steadfast in her plans. She doesn't inquire as to what my friday night arrangements are before making her own. Granted, I am always invited, but the lack of consideration is often perturbing.

I feel inadequate and as though I have nothing to offer such a creative person. Though I've begun to make amends with my friends little by little, I hang out with virtually no one. When we are out with her friends, I feel as though I don't have as much witty banter to contribute to conversation. I notice she doesn't laugh as much at the things I say. I am a college dropout from a humble southern town, she is a talented, worldly woman and I wonder if my initial mystique is gone and she realizes I'm just a goober.

To compound the situation, I've become obsessed with my inadequate sexual performance. The last couple times we've have sex, I was embarrassingly unfulfilling and it has made me scared to initiate any activity. The last time I felt so bad I had to apologize and even though she smiled and said, "it's not that important" it made me feel terrible. In the past few months we've been intimate VERY few times. I am secretly terrified that my girlfriend may long to return to the fairer gender due to my banal performance.

I don't know what to do frankly. I have to say that up until recently, I've been a great boyfriend. Due to my depression, maybe I've not gone the extra mile like I used to. For instance, I used to cook for her every time we'd hang out, now I often resign to ordering out. I feel like there is some resentment harboring inside of me because we see each other less and it has caused me to be less proactive in terms of romantic(ish) gestures.

This past week, I've have some things happen that have really made me reevaluate how I'm managing my time. I lost my job which had become the shifted focus of my existence since not nurturing my artistic side and all of the sudden the depression has subsided. Granted, it's been replaced with a mild panic of sorts, but whatever. I want to be someone I can respect again. Is it wrong to assume that if I gain my confidence back, start actively pursing my hobbies, and strive to be that passionate boyfriend again I could lure my gf back from this withdrawal? Have I just not been busy enough? Has my lack of productivity and passion turned her off for good or is she just bored?

I am terrified to lose my girlfriend. I am also hesitant to ask her how she regards our current situation because I feel that I've misrepresented myself lately. That is to say, no doubt she is unhappy, but I am capable of being so much better.

Does anyone have any input or specific strategies that might rekindle this flame?

[Mish]

Is it wrong to assume that if I gain my confidence back, start actively pursing my hobbies, and strive to be that passionate boyfriend again I could lure my gf back from this withdrawal? Have I just not been busy enough? Has my lack of productivity and passion turned her off for good or is she just bored?

Yes to all of the above

I am terrified to lose my girlfriend.

I think this is your problem right there. This fear. It's making you do irrational things (according to your post). You sound like your entire life depends on this one person. You know how scary that is? Stop fearing, start living. If you don't your fear will drive her away completely.

Does anyone have any input or specific strategies that might rekindle this flame?

Nothing that you don't already know. You know the best strategy already, you just need motivation to go out there and do it. So just go out there and do it.

[starbuck]

I agree with Mishayna about the fear. And it sounds to me like you might need to work on your depression and anxieties about yourself for your own sake, not necessarily hers.

It sounds like you have a lot of love to give and your gf is understanding, too. Besides the sheltering, you seem to have had a healthy start and you don't fight...which is a good sign. Relationships have their ebb and flow and once you feel happier about yourself, your relationship will probably get better. Once the fear is out of the bedroom, you and she will be able to relax and enjoy each other. So what if you just spend the night cuddling? Alot of women would LOVE that. There is more to being romantic than just doing the deed

[starbuck]

Oh, one more thing. Do you two share the same values in marriage? Cause' if she's like, "Marriage? Hell no." and you are more of a wife-and-kids kinda guy, this could cause issues down the line.

[Son of Night]

I suppose there is a lot to be said about the importance of cuddling. It has even been remarked upon in the past that she hated the fact that her past partners haven't appreciated that element of the relationship. She says I'm a great cuddler... guess that counts for something.

With regards to marriage, I am not terribly concerned. Frankly, as much as I've settled down in my life, I have no foundation upon which to even fathom building a family. The odd thing is that she is much more fond of children than I. I suspect she is not so opposed to procreating, just hesitant of the stigma associated with traditional marriage ( a lot of this is rooted in her atheism, I think). The short answer, I guess, is no, it's not an issue. I could care less if we ever got married, but I'd obviously not mind spending my life with her.

[Cain]

Are you atheist as well?

I wouldn't start a relationship with an atheist simply based on the fact that due to my beliefs about Christianity, if we both die, we won't spend eternity together.

[lesa]

Are you atheist as well?

I wouldn't start a relationship with an atheist simply based on the fact that due to my beliefs about Christianity, if we both die, we won't spend eternity together.

Why would you two not spend eternity together if she is atheist?

I think I may be getting a little conflict in my relationship soon. I am not religious but spiritual but bf is religious, spiritual, and has degrees/studies in theology, etc. I have no issues but I think the religious individual has more issues with a non-religious partner than vice versa.

[Cain]

Why would you two not spend eternity together if she is atheist?

I think I may be getting a little conflict in my relationship soon. I am not religious but spiritual but bf is religious, spiritual, and has degrees/studies in theology, etc. I have no issues but I think the religious individual has more issues with a non-religious partner than vice versa.

Because anyone that doesn't believe in God goes to Hell according to Christian beliefs. Therefore, I would go to Heaven and she would go to Hell.

[Son of Night]

Are you atheist as well?

I wouldn't start a relationship with an atheist simply based on the fact that due to my beliefs about Christianity, if we both die, we won't spend eternity together.

I am not an atheist, though I do not subscribe to any particular religion. I am of Jewish background but spent several years in a Catholic school which altogether altered my views on organized religion.

I must admit it is a source of some concern for me. I believe in an afterlife of sorts. The subject was broached when I referenced having seen what I have always maintained was an apparition in my younger years and she all but called me a liar. It is bothersome to me not that she does not believe in God, but that as open-minded as she is, there remains an inability to believe in phenomenons of this nature.

I think she is a wonderful, pure person and that if there is in fact a Hell, she would have no place in it.

The remotely differing religious beliefs are quite honestly the least of my worries an this particular junction. If we were to have children, I might change my stripes