Should I dump my selfish, cheating girlfriend?

[GuineaPig]

I'm worried that my gf is taking me for granted and that I'm getting a bad deal out of the relationship - I really want to know what other people think because i'm to embarrassed to tell any of my friends the details.

We're 22 & 23 and have been together for four years. I'm really crazy about her, and I think that's the problem - she's realised that even if she makes no effort I will still adore her, so surprise surprise she takes me for granted, and IMO treats me badly.

The main problem is sex. She hardly ever used to be sexual with me, blaming it on her stressful job. Then she quit the job and for a while things were fantastic, with frequent and exciting sex. But now she's just slipped into her old useless habits, and the more I get frustrated and complain the less she sleeps with me - we've only had sex twice in the whole of December. Ideally I would like to be having sex 3 or 4 times a day, but realistically 3 times a week would be fine, is that asking too much? She admits herself that sex with me is great, but she hardly makes any effort to try to be intimate with me, she often pushes my hand away when i try to touch her, and she won't wear sexy lingerie or even be naked with me usually. When we go to bed she just puts her pyjamas on and rolls over, just like a ****ing kid, like no-one ever told her that when adults go to bed there are other options besides sleeping.

Also, she insists on being allowed to sleep with other men occasionally. She hasn't actually done this yet (I know cos I tap her MSN, email and cellphone messages, oh come on do you blame me!?!) and probably won't do it much or ever cos she hardly has any friends and little social life, but it's the principle that counts. She says I can do the same if I really want to but I don't particularly want to, I want to have sex with her. I'm not happy with her not giving me sex, yet wanting to do it with other people, do you see?

What I think but can't admit is that she just wants to keep me on hold for later, just because I'll be earning a lot of money and she thinks she can have her way all the time, but I want to be her lover not some ****ing dickhead to be taken advantage of.

It hurts so bad that she treats me like this, I feel literally exhausted because of the constant effort I make to try and make her happy, not upset her, do and say the right things. I feel like i'm treading on eggshells, the slightest wrong move (such as "why are you in a bad mood with me tonight honey?") can (and does) result in tantrums, shouting and her threatening to dump me. I know it should be me dumping her but I can't bear the thought, once when she dumped/threatened to dump me i couldn't stop crying for half an hour, the first time i've cried for years and years, i just broke, i couldn't stop, and i had no-one I could talk about it with... which is where you guys come in!

I think that the only way to make her realise how shit she is being would be to dump her, then she would suddenly miss having me to cuddle her, spoil her, pay for the expensive appartment and bills, and tell her she's beautiful every five minutes and she'd hopefully regret everything. But then it would be too late and we'd be finished, which doesn't help me.

Or does it? I'm so paranoid and so scared about losing her, I don't think I'd ever meet anyone else I was so crazy about, I'd just be alone for years and years and possbly forever, luck has blessed me with brains, money, humour and talent, but unfortunately not confidence when it comes to getting girls, plus I'm not getting any younger and I'm not as handsome as I once was. What should I do? If i try and have an adult conversation with her about sex or her behaviour she puts her hands over her ears and won't take them off till I leave the room. When she's not threatening to dump me she says she loves me, and i believe her but she just doesn't seem to realise that a relationship requires effort from two people.

I've tried so ****ing hard to be the ideal boyfriend, I give give give and she is just take take take.

[funsounds]

if you've already tried communicating and speaking with her but she's not responsive to it...then it's time to be more harsh. you need to get some leverage back in the relationship. first thing you gotta do is be ready for this to fall apart...cuz i gotta say, it doesn't sound good.

i think you need to tell her again how unhappy you are with everything...AND how unhappy you are that she's not receptive to your concerns. then here's what i'd do...i'd say that maybe we need some time apart from eachother. at that point, be prepared for her to confront you and either inquire or threaten you about dumping or breaking up...but when you talk about it, don't call it dumping or breaking up.

and then do just that...be apart from each other. just try it. we're talking zero to no face time with eachother...and minimal phone/internet time with eachother. just try it. see how you feel in a a few weeks..i'd suggest even longer, like 2 months. see how she feels. it'll have some sort of affect...either positive or negative. but i think you guys need it to break out of this rut somehow regardless of how things me end up.

personally...i think you probably deserve better than her and believe me you can DEFINATELY get better than her if you put yourself out there.

[NeoSeminole]

Grow a pair of balls and dump her. You constantly give her compliments, treat her like a queen, even pay the bills for her, and she has the audacity to threaten you with a break up if she doesn't get her way? What exactly has she done that puts her above you? If I could reach through this monitor, I would punch you in the balls b/c you certainly aren't using them. Act like a man god damnit. Don't let some chick take away your dignity.

[vashti]

I didn't read the original post (too long) but I have to say that it is so entertaining to read neo's posts! I can perfectly visualize steam coming out of his ears when he gets mad.
:-D

[Carrie]

GuineaPig, your story sounds all to familiar. Pretty much identical. If I were you, I'd give her some time apart. Don't break it off, just call a "time-out" for a while. See how that works out. Make her work for your attention. Don't come to her beck and call. If she really works hard for your time, then acknowledge it. If she don't, then that just proves she's taking you for granted. Reminder: don't let her know it's a "time-out". As far as she knows, it's over....

[Late_vamp]

man , i can understand what your living , i once had a gf that was a bit like that but not that bad , just dump her ASAP . its the habbit of her thats not letting you go . trust me , after a short while you WILL be so HAPPY to have dumped her and when you find the right girl for you , she will be soo happy to have found a guy like you she will never want to let you go , unless you want it to end .

this is where im at , the new one is crazy for me but im not buying into her too much , meaning im not that much in love with her as i was with my ex . so im still thinking about dumping her soon if things dont pick up soon , altho sex is great ... shit ill miss that .

[Tiay]

it seems like the question "Should I dump my selfish, cheating girlfriend?" is asking for the answer "yes... yes you should!".

It's so easy to say "you deserve better, dump her!" but you obviously don't want to loose her, and she also seems to have feelings for you. She's definitely not treating you as well as she should, and I definitely think that in the long run, you shouldn't stay with her unless you can get her to see her errors and treat you as well as you clearly deserve.

Your feelings that you wont be able to get another relationship if you dump her, your suspicion that she's using you for your money, how you cried when she threatened you (and it seemed to me like she didn't care?), the fact that she shouts in arguments.. it all reeks of an abusive relationship, like she has you wrapped around her little finger.

ON THE OTHER HAND:

Does she literally put her hands over her ears? Either way, it really sounds like she has issues. Nobody is perfect. Maybe you can help her work them out. Maybe deep down she fears that if she treats you better, you'll leave her. I know that doesn't sound logical, but it doesn't have to be for her to believe it.

her threats to leave you, even though you support her emotionally and financially, are exclusive to her and treat her well, while at the same time saying that she loves you.. That is a HUGE clue. I don't know of what, but it is worth looking into. Can you ask a professional? Try to find out from a reliable source what that means. I know it's easy to say "ask a shrink" and not so easy to find one, get an appointment, go there without telling her, etc.. but I have a very strong gut feeling that there's something important to be learned from that.

Best wishes. My heart really goes out to you. I hope that whatever happens, you will soon be with someone who deserves you, whoever that is.
-tiay

[Only-virgins]

dump. Seriously, dump.


______________

[gingerbabe86]

Tiay has a point but i just don't see any good quality in this girl that would make you stay with her. Seriously, you deserve better than her and what kind of girl would say they have the right to sleep with other guys when they're still in a relationship. And that breaking up method is to just threaten you because she knows you won't have the guts to do it. Comon.. be a man and just dump her, she's not worth even a quarter of your love. You've given her everything and she's still not happy. If you don't end this sooner or later you will just get tired of giving so much and not recieving anything. Your only in your twenties.. you still have a whole life ahead of you. Do you want to live with someone like her for the rest of your life? It's your choice.

[Tiay]

Your only in your twenties.. you still have a whole life ahead of you.

yeah. If she is the one who has you thinking that if you dump her you'll "just be alone for years and years and possbly forever" (which is completely ridiculous!), there's something seriously wrong.
You might say, how should I know? I've never met you. But even if you're not the most handsome guy ever, it is not that important, lots of not-so-handsome guys get dates every day based on their other qualities; And you already said you're blessed with brains, humour and talent. Most girls are a sucker for all of those! I didn't count money in there because it's not really a character trait ^.^

It's so curious that she relies on you, takes all that you have to give, and yet still threatens you. There's something going on with that. She's either intentionally using you, or she has some kind of irrational phobia. You also mentioned she doesn't have much social life. another clue?
It's hard to leave somebody if you've invested so much in them, so maybe you can investigate what's going on and give her a chance. But if that doesn't work, do not let yourself stay. Dating after 4 years of being in a relationship must be daunting, I imagine. But if you can't get her to treat you well, you're degrading yourself by staying with her.

[whaywardj]

An interesting thing about being too cooperative is that it often breeds contempt. Your solution is the same as it's ever been for anyone: Respect someone else's position only until doing so causes you to disrespect yours. If I couldn't talk it over with her to achieve some kind of compromise, I'd get over being with her...and spend some time alone, asking myself what payoff it was I got out of putting myself through something like that for so long.

[aripres]

I think it would be a good idea for you two to take a break. Especially if you have tried to talk to her and she won't talk to you. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and if it doesn't in this case then you just weren't meant to be together. I know it'll be hard but take some time.

[Musicman]

I'd scare the crap out of her by dumping her straight away. If she's just been playing games with you she'll come crawling back apologising & you'll have more respect & control in the relationship. If she doesn't....well then you know she's just been in a comfort zone with you or she doesn't really want to be with you.

That's my thought, anyway....

[bluesummer]

I would dump any person that expected to be allowed to sleep with other people. Period.

This doesn't sound like a relationship to me, it sounds like she has you utterly wrapped around her finger and is taking full advantage of it. The worst part of it is that you see it, and still won't do anything to stop it. You really need to ask yourself why that is.

Look, I've been in a relationship for 3 1/2 yrs with someone who took everything I did for them totally for granted, broke my heart, and used me. After awhile, I realized nothing in the world was going to make this person realize how good they had it. I love him, but love is simply not enough to maintain a healthy relationship. Mutual respect and happiness are just as important....and you my friend are not happy nor are you being respected. Do yourself a favour and just leave her. It's gonna hurt like hell at first, but it will be worth it when you realize how much you empowered yourself by cutting a leech like her out of your life.