Am I being possesive or realistic?

[Phil Anselmo]

This seems like a reasonable forum, so I thought I'd post my situation here.

My girlfriend and I have been dating for four months. Our relationship has been great for the most part, except I don't know if I can trust her. She hasn't specifically given me a reason not to, but let me explain.

Two months after we started dating, she tells me the reason she hasn't brought me over to her place was due to the fact that a month prior to our relationship, her ex from a year ago moved in with her and her brother because he had nowhere else to go. She assured me nothing was going on between them, but she didn't want to bring me around to upset him since he did indeed pay a third of the rent. I commended her honesty, but asked why she cared about how he felt about us. She said she didn't, just didn't want to make her and her bro's living situation uncomfortable. She assured me he'd be out at the end of June. This was in May.

So June goes by, we're in love, talking about getting a place together... but her ex still lives with them and I still haven't seen her place (she won't even let me pick her up... we always meet or she drives to my place). Her brother is leaving for college soon so it'll just be her and her ex. She tells me he'll be out before then and I remind her he was supposed to be gone last month. She usually gets defensive, saying that she's trying.... but we'll be out and he'll be texting her.

Last week after work, I asked her if she wanted to hang out and she tells me she's having a drink with her accountant, who's like 40 years old (we're both early 20's). She calls me at midnight, drunk, driving home. I freaked out. Who in a relationship has a drink until midnight with someone twice her age while her boyfriend is at home?

Yesterday, she calls me around lunch time and we talk for a bit... I ask her what she's up to and she says she just got back from a run with an old friend, Tyler. She assures me it was "nothing romantic." Again, is it just me or wtf?

We hang out almost everyday. We just came back from a five day road trip, it was awesome. I have no doubt I want to be with this girl, but am I being possessive, paranoid or are my feelings justified? What can I do?

[littlegirllost]

Hi Phil,

I'm new here, but would love to help.

I've been in a similar situation with my 3 years boyfriend.it happened around the first 6 month of our relationship, and i think it's normal for you to feel that way. Though my boyfriend did not live with his ex, he was still maintaining intense communication with her, and he spent plenty time with his girl- friends, once he even picked up a friend at midnight after her night out . I confront him and tell him I'm not comfortable with his action (not with intense emotion though, just a conversation in the middle of our lunch), also I felt a little bit disrespected by his action. I asked him to introduce me to his friends that he hangs out with and his ex. I also tried to be involved with their activities too. As time went by I was able to trust him, and surprisingly in return he ditch those activities that would made me feel insecure about our relationship.

Hopefully my experience could help you

[Phil Anselmo]

Thanks for the reply. I want to bring all this up to her but not sure how.

[devonbrown]

I was following her logic until you mentioned that she won't even let you pick her up or drop her off at her house. That is very suspicious. People who do that either live with their parents and don't want them to know they are dating, or are in a relationship with someone and don't want them to know they are cheating.

Don't worry about the drinks with the accountant. She called you on her way home and she wouldn't do that if she were cheating on you with him.

She might like attention from other guys, but that doesn't mean she is cheating.

I knew someone who was going out with a girl and they moved in together. Then they broke up but stayed living together due to financial concerns. They were also good friend before dating, so it wasn't that weird. But they made an agreement not to bring dates home because it would just be awkward. They finished up their lease that way and it seemed to work. But that was just for having dates spend time at the apartment. Picking up and dropping off wasn't an issue.

As for bringing it up with her, ask her flat out why you can't pick her up or drop her off. Tell her you want to give her a kiss goodnight on her porch (or in front of her front door). Tell her it is a romantic thing you want to do. Her reaction should give you something to go on for further conversation with her.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Save yourself the trouble and just break it off. She's holding his feelings in higher regard than yours. Just say you feel like she's keeping you a secret, and you deserve more respect than that. Tell her you want to break up, and see what she says. If it's anything other than what you want to hear, end it for good. Or you can start looking for other girls and slowly detach yourself emotionally from her, then just drop her when you find someone else. I think the first method is the best though.

[HeartIsAching]

One red flag after another. I'd say it's time to move on.

[oldskool83]

somthing not totaly right. ive never seen a thing unless it was like HS kids sneaking around. I would ask her stright up, whats the deal. i have an ex thats still in my house but for different reason, she works outta there until she buys a home to move my old biz too. it can take longer then expected but i still let people come over. whatever you think it might be it may not be, it could be as simple as she does not want to cause conflick...ive been in people homes when ex's came dropping off kids or what not...sum1 is always pissed off or says somthing smart.

hope that helps but id ask.