How much contact should you have with your ex

[Jinxy74]

My boyfriend cheated on his now ex with me less than a year ago (after having decided to break up but had not told her yet) and we've been together for 8 months now. Things are going great but in the beginning, my concscience and my feelings were in constant battle with the other and he was the one to help me through it all. Eventually everything settled down and i am completely in love with him. They had been together for 4 years but he told me that he had been cheating since the end of their first year and couldn't bring himself to break up with her because she was in a very fragile state then.

The problem is, this girl was extremely emotionally dependent on him and i can tell he still really cares about her which is perfectly fine by me. However, they are still very much in touch which is hard for me to ignore but given the circumstances surrounding us getting together, i somehow feel that it's not in my place to demand that he not spend as much time talking to her on the phone or on msn. He took her out to dinner once for old times sake, has lots of classes with her since they're doing the same major, and he helps her with her homework a lot. He constantly tells me that there's nothing between them and that i shouldn't worry but he's kinda shady about the whole situation. For example, if he's chatting online with her, and i happen to look at his screen, he'll close it immediately and tell me to go away and get quite angry (he's a little impatient anyhow). he doesn't do this with anyone else. and if he's not hiding anything, why is he behaving like that?

Everytime i bring it up, he swears that nothing's going on and he just wants his privacy. It's just that I don't think people move on by keeping in such close contact... am i wrong or is he? I am not on good terms with his ex and she doesn't like me because of what happened obviously... and knowing that he's on such good terms with someone who hates me really bothers me as well. does he love me or am i blind? will he cheat on me like he did her? heellpp

[pimp_juice]

jinxy,,, leave this forum babe... this ain't no professional help. i can give u better advice than all these love birds combined together.
Peace.

[Jinxy74]

i'm just looking for another opinion and it doesn't help when i'm blindly in love with you.. shall i say BLINDLY.... bbg4l

[OpticalIllusion]

*Sigh*
I know that this isn't your question exactly, but let me just remind you of something. He's cheated before... many times, if what I am hearing is correct. Once a cheater always a cheater. Cliche, yes. But so very true. If he cheats again, I can't help but say I think it's payback for what it was like for that girl he cheated on, with you...

[Jinxy74]

i know and it's constantly on my mind...

[al407]

Ok...in response to the keeping in contact with exes, in my opinion, it is simply disrespectful to whomever is the current significant other. I think it is a big fat NO-NO...but I am also dealing with the same issue. Be warned, I played it cool until those "harmless" get togethers "accidentally" went too far. Now, I am drawing a line with the contact with the exes...if he has an issue with it...he doesn't get me. Period.

[squirrley]

Id be out of there, period. I HAD a relationship with someone who remained great friends with most of his x's, this didnt bother me, because they were at a point in their lives where there was NOTHING no emotional ties, but friendships. I personally do NOT have contact with ANY of my x's, for my own emotional wellness. Your situation is rocky. HE cheated with YOU on her, wouldnt that send you red flags right out of the gates???? Why would you get involved with someone who was already committed to someone else? They may very well be just friends, but the sneakiness would piss me off. Id talk to him about it, tell him youre fine with them being friends, but youre uncomfortable with "time" he spends with her. I would be prepared for some back lash on it, so think about how you want to say what youre feeling without "attacking" him. Personally, I wouldnt stand for it, from what you say, Id be kicking his ass to the curb. Sounds like he wants his cake and eat it too. BULLSHIT!

[abercromqt20]

Squirrley is right as usual. as well as Al right b4 her. I don't want my bf hanging out with his ex's PERIOD! I don't do it, and i expect the same back. I think it's disrespectful to the new gf/bf to still be hanging out with someone you have had a sexual/emotional history with. I know it isn't a guarentee that there will be cheating. Even if it doesn't ever happen.... i think it's disrespectful to you new gf/bf to even put yourself in the situation where that becomes a possibility. I know that this can happen with any person with the opposite sex that they are friends with. but the truth is- it is way more likely to happen with someone that it has already happened with. It's always easy to open up that can of worms again ya know? you were already comfortable with it b4. i am totally comfortable with my man having female friends. as long as i know them and get to hang out with them as well. at this point in my life i know if something has happened with them by now it most likely won't. but if your man won't let you meet his female friends then you have a HUGE RED FLAG!!!!

Anyways.... i think what i believe can be summed up in a few words. "You can cling to hard to the past, that you'll never be able to fully embrace the present". Take what you want from that. But i think you get the point.

Either way, have your own opinion and stand your ground. And don't settle for less than you deserve. Which is exactly what you put out. If you make it a rule not to contact the ex's, you should IMO get the same in return from your mate!

[OpticalIllusion]

hmmm... I have a question then. I'm still good friends with one of my recent ex's of last year. We were friends before the relationship started. After I put a stop to the relationship, we still hang out and stuff, on occasion. So does that mean if I hook up with someone else, I should stop hanging out with her all together? That seems kinda cold hearted... but that's just me of course.

[abercromqt20]

i think that all depends on how long you were together. i mean if it was like 3 months, then personally i would have no problem with it. but if you dated her for like 2 years i would say you should cut off the ties. i know it may seem cold. but sometimes i think its gotta happen in order to give the new one a fair shot.

[al407]

Relationships need to end when they end. Friends in the long-run will come and go...even the ones that may seem like the bestest of best friends (particularly exes). If you get involved with someone else, it is just disrespectful to keep a friendship of any level with exes going full force. But the point is, if there is ANY chance your signifiacnt other (and I mean "significant"...not a hook up) has any discomfort with it, you are knowingly manifesting a really unecessary thorn in your relationship.

AND... I think too many people in the position of needing to back down from a friendship for their significant other have more of a control issue that anything else. That is too obvious sometimes. The friendships they are trying to save are really not that worth it. It's the loss of the perceived control that's the undiscussed issue at hand. When that is obvious...it is a big slap in the face to the current sig other to stay friends with that other "so important person".

[al407]

Side note... my above statment is contingent on being out of school and not having to sit in math class with these people. My opinion is based on everyone being out of school and out on their own. I understand the situation changes otherwise.

[Jinxy74]

he says they're best friends... and their relationship was a pretty serious one. Four years of living together without really having other people around. i do feel like he's disrespecting me but because i am ridden by the guilt of what i had done (even though he tells me it's all his fault... he came on to me) i feel bad for her as well and don't think it's in my place to forbid them from seeing each other. But that's besides the point, i want to trust him but deep down inside i don't. and everytime i try to tell him that he says i'm being paranoid and that he loves me. I am so in love with this guy i don't know what to do.... should i get out of this relationship??? he's graduating soon and i am definitely worried about his commitment to me.... i could cry right now....

[Jinxy74]

... and i know i sound like a wimp...

[al407]

No...you are stronger today for having dealt with this crap. BUT...this is an ultimatum situation...not to be presented that way, but know it in your head. You have to have a conversation with him and figure out what's more important to him. Whatever you get out of that conversation, you should act on it. If he cheated with you on her...he'll cheat on you with her...easiest "guy" justification in the book. Don't wait until that point.