Is she too young?

[BristolGuy]

I recently exchanged numbers with a girl who I sit near at football matches as we've become quite good friends. I've always liked her a lot more than friends and she has told me by text that she feels the same. The problem is that she is 15 (16 in december) and I am 20. Now I realise that 4 and a bit years isn't much of a difference in relationships but with her only being 15 I can't help thinking I'm doing something wrong just by liking her.

Your advice please?

Thanks.

[abercromqt20]

your answer is yes!

[KirstyM]

Yes, too young

[blue]

way too young and i dont know where you live but you can go to jail for this. continue to be friends if you can but do not i repeat go further

[BristolGuy]

way too young and i dont know where you live but you can go to jail for this. continue to be friends if you can but do not i repeat go further

I'm not talking about anything sexual here.

[decaffeinated]

way too young and i dont know where you live but you can go to jail for this. continue to be friends if you can but do not i repeat go further

No, you can't. There's nothing illegal about having a 15 year old girlfriend, provided you aren't having sex. And, call me old fashioned, but you shouldn't be having sex until you know each other really well anyway...

As for a romantic relationship at 15, well... lots of people had relationships with older partners in their mid-teens and claim to be the better for it. Lots of people were abused and manipulated by older partners, and are scarred for life. Our experiences color our perceptions, so whether it's "OK" will depend greatly on who you ask. In reality, it depends on three major factors:

• Your level of commitment.
• Her maturity level.
• Her parents' approval.

Your level of commitment.
It's bad enough to promise an experienced adult the world, and then dump her when you get bored. Doing it to a young adult is utterly unconscionable. If you're not willing to do whatever it takes to make the relationship work, don't waste your time or her heart.

Her maturity level.
Make an HONEST evaluation of her maturity. I know 16 year olds who are more mature than a lot of 40 year old "successful" adults. I also know 16 year olds who really should just go back and start over with 2nd grade. Maturity is the primary determining factor in an age-gap relationship. If she's physically 15 and mentally 19 or 20, I don't see anything wrong it. If she's 15 and acting like it, the relationship will likely get tiring and oppressive rather quickly, as you are repeatedly subject to her childish whims and fantasies.

Her parents' approval.
If you're going to do it, her parents need to be in the loop. If you can't approach them about it, you shouldn't be in the relationship - when they find out themselves, you'll be lucky if it's just her father chasing you with a shotgun. Her parents are going to want to know what your intentions are, where you are with their daughter at all times, what you're doing, etc. They need to trust you to take care of her.

Another big thing to consider is that a 15/16 year old's world is very different from a 20 year old's world. You're most likely in the middle of college, starting a career, and thinking about your future. A 16 year old is in high school, flipping burgers for McDonald's at best, and thinking about whether or not that cute boy in homeroom has a crush on her. If she's a mature 16 year old, this won't be as much the case, but it's still a completely different world for her. A relationship would necessitate reconciling these differences, and finding some sort of common ground on which to build said relationship. She's not going to live with you until she turns 18 or so (otherwise nobody will believe you're not sleeping with her), so it's going to STAY different worlds for quite some time.

It's important not to over-fantasize the relationship. Think about it realistically, critically analyze potential problem areas, and then decide if it's really worth the time and effort.

All that being said, both you and I have probably garnered a reputation as closet pedophiles ( ), but I stand by what I said. There are a lot more factors at work than blindly setting "moral" limits at arbitrary age boundaries. Hell, in other cultures people are marrying and having children in their mid teens. Not that I think that's a particularly good idea, but nobody there seems to be complaining. Then again, in other cultures women aren't allowed to complain, so... Anyway, the relationship you're describing can be beneficial or destructive, depending mainly on how YOU handle it. Either way, it certainly won't be as simple as dating someone your own age. If you can't accept that, don't even consider such a relationship. If you truly love her, I say go for it, if you can make it work, and her parents approve. If you REALLY love her, and her parents say "no," you can always wait a few years until she's older. Nobody said love came easy...

Note: I don't really think this extends as far down as relationships much younger than 15, with a handful of VERY rare exceptions. But 15, almost 16, is pretty damn close to adulthood for some people. (Considerably less so for others.)

[nomas]

I agree with decaff on a lot of things.

15 Is just a number and often times we make the mistake of automatically attaching it to an image of a spunky, know-it-all teenager who's not at all well grounded and years from forming any serious character. One thing I find is that if you treat them like adults, they respond like adults, for the most part.

I've had friendships with young girls that don't go beyond that, a frienship. Somehow I can talk all this theory about how if the maturity level is there, the age is just a number, but in practice I'll still not dare apply it. I don't know if it's the way I've been raised, the way the society I live in works (because I'm sure there are cultures where this is a common thing) but if it doesn't feel good in my gut, I'd just as soon not pursue it, especially since there are so many girls out there..maybe it's not worth the trouble. I continue with friendships but leave it at that.

I think most people will agree that a friendship is harmless, but you are probably asking if a relationship (not sexual, I know) is inappropriate. I guess it's a matter of privileges. I think most everyone is cool with you being her friend. A few already expressed it's not cool to be kissing and holding hands (bf/gf type). And it's simply against the law to be sexual with her.

After all that, my opinion..I don't frown upon the relationship. Definitely consider the points decaff mentioned..especially the parents..wise advice to be heeded there. But personally..I would think it's not worth the scrutiny you may undergo for the privilege of kissing her. I'd keep it at friends. And like you said, 4 years isn't a lot, and once she's 18 (for some reason we decided this is the magic number) those who feel the friendship is cool NOW will feel the relationship will be cool THEN.

Freddie

[jane]

OK.. I kinda agree with Nomas and Decaff.. however, She IS 15 and really not of legal consent. Asking her parents permission? Somehow .. I dont think so. Honestly, think back to when you were 15? Dont you think there is a maturity level difference between then and now? Its playing with fire and in the end .. someone will be burned.

[decaffeinated]

OK.. I kinda agree with Nomas and Decaff.. however, She IS 15 and really not of legal consent. Asking her parents permission? Somehow .. I dont think so. Honestly, think back to when you were 15? Dont you think there is a maturity level difference between then and now? Its playing with fire and in the end .. someone will be burned.

I tend to agree. I know it's not a relationship I would personally pursue. But if you're really in love, I think the age thing can be dealt with. I guess that was my whole point.

Translation: Please don't tar and feather me! ;__;

[jane]

Nope.. there shall be no tar and feathering.. we ALL have a right to our opinions. This is only mine ..

[Tomek]

It isnt illegal O_O...its only 5years difference too, im 18 and <3 a 16yr old ^.^....just dont encourage her to have sex >:|

just my opinion..

[OpticalIllusion]

I've been in a similar situation before. When I was 17, I started to have a little thing for this girl and later found out she was only 13. It suprised the hell out of me considering she looked much older than 13. In the end, it didn't work out. The age gap was just too much in those teenage years. But like everyone here is saying... its a very situational thing.

[KirstyM]

I tend to agree. I know it's not a relationship I would personally pursue. But if you're really in love, I think the age thing can be dealt with. I guess that was my whole point.

Translation: Please don't tar and feather me! ;__;

You made a lot of good points, and yes you can work round the age gap if you are really in love but these two arent - and if they were, he would be willing to wait a couple years for her. IMO they should stay friends and then in a few years if they are both still interested in each other then it's ok.

[abercromqt20]

exactly....... i think that starting something right now would be a waste if you think this girl is worth it. the age gap at this point in both of ur lives is just to great. so like kirsty said just work on a friendship and down the road if something more happens, then it happens.

[Frebbiezadyke]

No, you can't. There's nothing illegal about having a 15 year old girlfriend, provided you aren't having sex. And, call me old fashioned, but you shouldn't be having sex until you know each other really well anyway...

As for a romantic relationship at 15, well... lots of people had relationships with older partners in their mid-teens and claim to be the better for it. Lots of people were abused and manipulated by older partners, and are scarred for life. Our experiences color our perceptions, so whether it's "OK" will depend greatly on who you ask. In reality, it depends on three major factors:

• Your level of commitment.
• Her maturity level.
• Her parents' approval.

Your level of commitment.
It's bad enough to promise an experienced adult the world, and then dump her when you get bored. Doing it to a young adult is utterly unconscionable. If you're not willing to do whatever it takes to make the relationship work, don't waste your time or her heart.

Her maturity level.
Make an HONEST evaluation of her maturity. I know 16 year olds who are more mature than a lot of 40 year old "successful" adults. I also know 16 year olds who really should just go back and start over with 2nd grade. Maturity is the primary determining factor in an age-gap relationship. If she's physically 15 and mentally 19 or 20, I don't see anything wrong it. If she's 15 and acting like it, the relationship will likely get tiring and oppressive rather quickly, as you are repeatedly subject to her childish whims and fantasies.

Her parents' approval.
If you're going to do it, her parents need to be in the loop. If you can't approach them about it, you shouldn't be in the relationship - when they find out themselves, you'll be lucky if it's just her father chasing you with a shotgun. Her parents are going to want to know what your intentions are, where you are with their daughter at all times, what you're doing, etc. They need to trust you to take care of her.

Another big thing to consider is that a 15/16 year old's world is very different from a 20 year old's world. You're most likely in the middle of college, starting a career, and thinking about your future. A 16 year old is in high school, flipping burgers for McDonald's at best, and thinking about whether or not that cute boy in homeroom has a crush on her. If she's a mature 16 year old, this won't be as much the case, but it's still a completely different world for her. A relationship would necessitate reconciling these differences, and finding some sort of common ground on which to build said relationship. She's not going to live with you until she turns 18 or so (otherwise nobody will believe you're not sleeping with her), so it's going to STAY different worlds for quite some time.

It's important not to over-fantasize the relationship. Think about it realistically, critically analyze potential problem areas, and then decide if it's really worth the time and effort.

All that being said, both you and I have probably garnered a reputation as closet pedophiles ( ), but I stand by what I said. There are a lot more factors at work than blindly setting "moral" limits at arbitrary age boundaries. Hell, in other cultures people are marrying and having children in their mid teens. Not that I think that's a particularly good idea, but nobody there seems to be complaining. Then again, in other cultures women aren't allowed to complain, so... Anyway, the relationship you're describing can be beneficial or destructive, depending mainly on how YOU handle it. Either way, it certainly won't be as simple as dating someone your own age. If you can't accept that, don't even consider such a relationship. If you truly love her, I say go for it, if you can make it work, and her parents approve. If you REALLY love her, and her parents say "no," you can always wait a few years until she's older. Nobody said love came easy...

Note: I don't really think this extends as far down as relationships much younger than 15, with a handful of VERY rare exceptions. But 15, almost 16, is pretty damn close to adulthood for some people. (Considerably less so for others.)

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