boyfriend wants to approve his gifts before receiving them

[vanityfair]

I am just baffled by my boyfriend's reaction on receiving my gifts and I could use some input on whether I'm off base here or it's a matter of me and my boyfriend not being on the same page.

I find it ridiculous that he got so upset that the gift I sent him maybe a size too short.

We have been having a long distance relationship for the past 3 years. He's an old boyfriend from college, we both separated from our spouses after reconnecting with each other 3 years ago. I would say it's a very intense and dedicated relationship with some practical problems. I currently live in a different country with my kids and can't really move until they are grown.

While I was shopping for something else, I happened upon some stuff on sale that I felt he needed. He never asked me for those but I knew he could use them. I mailed him 2 packages. One of them arrived, the contents fit him well. He was happy, told me he really needed what I sent him and thanked me. I told him about the second package that should arrive any day now. He inquired about the contents, size etc. and then got suspicious that the pants I sent him may be too short and started freaking so much so that he stopped talking to me the rest of the day. Even when I sent him a silly message to clear the air, he was still upset and sharp.

He's told me in the past to double check with him on anything and everything that I get for him. And he's somehow traumatized by previous mail mishaps, once 3 packages I sent during the Iceland volcano eruption never got there, so he's super tense when I send him stuff, in case it gets lost again. Then I once sent him some pants that were the wrong size and he's still upset about that. First of all, I don't see what how he's burdened by receiving a gift the wrong size so much so that it effects our relationship: send it back, give it to someone else, throw it away than to make a big sting about it. Yes, he did tell me to ask him before i get him stuff and I didn't. But do I need his approval to send him a gift? I couldn't reach him while I was shopping and it was much more convenient for me to purchase them and take my chances than to take pictures in the store, email, wait for this input, go back to the store, hope they're still there and on sale.

I say it's a gift. The whole point of a gift is the thought behind it, that it comes from the heart of the giver. And also why don't we worry about whether it fits AFTER he receives them and they really don't fit. He says I'm missing the point. It's about him asking me to check with him and me doing my own thing.

Fine, if it causes so much tension I won't send him anything anymore. But I'm bitter that he's ruining the joy of what is meant to be a loving, caring gesture. I would love it if he did the same for me! I don't necessarily mean it materially but thought-wise.

Am I crazy? Is he Perhaps burdened by my generosity. Am I forcing myself on him? Is this a control issue? Am I the controlling one or is he? How can something so well intended become such an issue? Am I gonna live in hell when we finally move in together after the kids grow like we're planning to? I love him to pieces and he has a lot of amazing qualities not mentioned in the snapshot above but is this a red flag, should I even stay in this relationship?

[VincenzoG91]

You're right and he is wrong about gift-giving. More importantly, he's a total control freak. Unless you are looking for a lot of structure and external direction to your life, run away from this guy ASAP. Control freaks can become verbally abusive or even physically violent if they don't get their way.

[reeba]

So how many more years do you have to go before your kids are grown and you can move to him? Why isn't he moving to you? You separated from your spouse after reconnecting with this guy?

The above is a huge red flag. LDRs don't work unless there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and often LDRs is just a fairy tale fantasy that rarely have a good ending.

The next red flag is him freaking out over having to return a gift. I can understand the frustration of mailing stuff back or knowing he just received a gift that will just go to waste because he can't use it, but he sounds like he is going to blow a gasket. 'Tell him to give you his measurements so next time you surprise him it will fit. And no, you will not tell him the contents of his future care packages because it is meant to be a surprise/gift.'

So has this guy ever bought you anything? Or does he send cash? Or does he not even bother to do anything at all? My suggestion is to find your self a real guy who lives nearby who BUYS YOU GIFTS.

[Boisdevie]

Don't buy the idiot any more gifts - spend the money on your kids. He sounds like a total control freak. And why can't you find somebody closer to home?

[girl68]

A gift is a GIFT. It should not be pre approved it should be received with a thank you. I'm surprised a grown man still doesn't know how to say thanks when someone gives something.

[MerryH]

Some people aren't comfortable with accepting gifts. I wouldn't be comfortable either, if it became excessive. And you would be forcing yourself on him, in a way, if he had asked you to stop sending him things. But the good thing is that there's an easy fix for you here: Stop sending him gifts.

And to answer your other question, yes it probably would be hell living with him. He can't even act like a normal, decent human being by being gracious and thankful when you do nice things for him. These are basic manners. If he lacks manners with you, imagine how he treats, say, waiters or janitors or even strangers. And you'll have to witness crap like that. Or maybe it will only be you who he's rude to.